Kenny was about to open the wardrobe when his wife shouted at him from across the room, “Don’t open that wardrobe! Your Christmas present is in there!”
“Too late,” said Kenny, pulling the door open. Upon looking in the wardrobe, Kenny said, “Do you always have to get me the worst presents? I mean, what would I want with a half-naked mailman?”
A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn’t work.
The clerk told her that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.
All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, “Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!”
The clerk didn’t know what to do, so he called the store manager, who asked her if he can help.
She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.
Once again she yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”
The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.
She replied, “Because I like to have my breasts grabbed when I’m getting screwed!”
Brian and Barry were driving in their car. As they came to an intersection, they stopped for the red light. Suddenly a semi smashed into the back of their car!
Brian got out of the car and approached the truck driver. “Look at what you’ve done to our car!” exclaimed Brian. “You’re going to pay for this damage!”
“Yeah? Well you can just suck my dick!”, shouted the truck driver.
Brian got back in the car. “Barry, I think he wants to settle out of court.”
So little Johnny asked his dad, “You know, jerking off seems to take a lot of effort. Do you think it will make my arm muscles grow bigger?”
“I don’t know, son” said his father. “But don’t stop, I’m about to cum.”
Marvin had a problem with premature ejaculation, so he paid a visit to a sex shop for a remedy.
The clerk handed him a yellow spray can and said, “This is Stay-Hard spray. One small spritz, and you can go all night!”
Excited, Marvin took it home, stashed it under the kitchen sink, and waited eagerly for bedtime.
Later that night, he sprayed some on his pecker and went upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, the “remedy” made him orgasm quicker than ever.
The next day, Marvin returned to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snapped, “This stuff made me worse than before!”
Upon looking at the can, the clerk asked, “I don’t suppose your hid this stuff under your kitchen sink, did you?”
“Yeah, so?”
“You grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off.”
Marc was dating a beautiful woman. He loved everything about her, but she seemed especially hesitant about getting intimate.
“What’s wrong? Are you just not into me?” He asked.
“No, it’s not that at all,” she insisted. “It’s just that the last time I had sex it was like the men’s 100 meter final at the Olympics.”
Marc laughed, “Over in 9.5 seconds?”
“No,” she said, “Eight black men and a gun.”
Little Johnny went to confession and said to the priest, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Three days ago I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That’s utterly disgraceful, Johnny,” said the priest. “Especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
The maid approached the lady of the house and asked for a pay increase. The woman was not so easily persuaded, but she asked, “Now, Maria, by what rational do you expect a pay increase?”
Maria lowered her head and looked off to the side before she spoke, “Well, I have three reasons why should increase my pay. The first is that I iron better than you.”
“Who said you iron better than me?” retorted the woman.
“Your husband!” remarked Maria. “He says so! The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
“Nonsense!” scoffed the woman. “Who told you that?”
“Your husband did,” said Maria. “The third reason is that I am better at making love than you.”
The woman was practically livid at this point. Through her gritted teeth she asked, “And did my husband say that as well?”
“No,” said Maria. “The gardener did.”
“So how much do you want?”
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties.
“After all, dear,” she said, “you wouldn’t expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?”
“No,” her husband cooly replied. “but I would not expect to find gift wrap on a dead beaver either.”
