A young secretary had just returned from her vacation and was telling her boss about the fun time she had. She then asked him for two weeks leave so that she could get married.
“But you just had two weeks off,” her boss protested. “Why didn’t you get married then?”
The rating plugins all tend to suck. I can’t seem to find one that I like, and this one is quickly getting on my nerves as well. Some are subscription based (read: “pay to use”), some are remote hosted, (read: “3rd party tracks my visitors”), some require short codes (read: “It’s gotta be in every %^&*ing post!”, some won’t show up on the front page (read: “Nobody knows it’s even there”), some use voodoo black magic to store the rating data (read: “I can’t trust it.”), some have lame formatting (read: “No customization), and all of them suffer from one or more of these issues (read: “FUCK!”)
The one that I’m currently using requires a short code at the end of the post. I’m not going through the hassle of putting that at the end of each joke. What happens if (when) I want to discontinue it? I would have to go through and delete every short code.
What I would like is a rating plugin that lets me use my own graphics, stores the ratings in its own separate database record, is free (or a one time purchase), tells me the time and IP address of each rating, allows me to delete individual ratings (or reset all if I so chose), shows up on all posts automatically, shows up on the main front page posts, provide a checkbox when editing a post to opt out of ratings (“Sunday’s Rant” should not be included in ratings), does not “phone home”, doesn’t slow things down, and doesn’t have a back door for the Russian hackers to fuck my shit up.
As mentioned a few weeks ago, I lost my beloved orange tabby, Alex, on June 19, 2025. While he had an amazing 16 year run, his passing came much sooner than it should have. I still miss him dearly.
Fortunately cats are pretty easy to come by. All you need is Craigslist and a little patience. After watching religiously for about 7 weeks, anyone could find the exact cat they were looking for... and that's how I got Murphy! Come to think of it, that's kinda how I got Alex as well.
Murphy was born on June 22, 2025. This tasty little hash brown was listed Tuesday night. I texted the number the next morning and went right round to go see him that afternoon. He was perfect, so I paid the $10 "rehoming" fee and took him to be my newest, bestest buddy.
Ten bucks probably sounds like a pretty good deal, right? Well... Yesterday he had his first vet appointment, and the bill wasn't cheap. I already knew he had ear mites because he had been scratching at his ears, so I swabbed them and looked at it under an old microscope of mine. Let's just say they threw in the ear mite cleaning FOR FREE because they were already able to cover a yacht payment with everything else they charged me for!
His follow up booster shot is in 3 weeks. Cha-ching! smh.
As of this Sunday, I've had him a total of about 4 days, and so far he's cost me well over $500! At least he's comfortable and feels right at home. While he can't jump up on the bed yet, his needle like claws allow him to climb up the side of the mattress like Spider-cat, and then he likes to snuggle up with me an Gail... Which kinda worries me, cuz him being so small and all, he's liable to get flattened!
To recap: I got another cat. He's orange, he's smol, and he's a little spitfire. That's about all I have to say on the subject at the moment, but I'm sure there will be more photo ops along the way.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
Just noticed that the ratings plugin is ONLY active on the weekly cartoon page, not any others.
You are correct, sir!
The rating plugins all tend to suck. I can’t seem to find one that I like, and this one is quickly getting on my nerves as well. Some are subscription based (read: “pay to use”), some are remote hosted, (read: “3rd party tracks my visitors”), some require short codes (read: “It’s gotta be in every %^&*ing post!”, some won’t show up on the front page (read: “Nobody knows it’s even there”), some use voodoo black magic to store the rating data (read: “I can’t trust it.”), some have lame formatting (read: “No customization), and all of them suffer from one or more of these issues (read: “FUCK!”)
The one that I’m currently using requires a short code at the end of the post. I’m not going through the hassle of putting that at the end of each joke. What happens if (when) I want to discontinue it? I would have to go through and delete every short code.
What I would like is a rating plugin that lets me use my own graphics, stores the ratings in its own separate database record, is free (or a one time purchase), tells me the time and IP address of each rating, allows me to delete individual ratings (or reset all if I so chose), shows up on all posts automatically, shows up on the main front page posts, provide a checkbox when editing a post to opt out of ratings (“Sunday’s Rant” should not be included in ratings), does not “phone home”, doesn’t slow things down, and doesn’t have a back door for the Russian hackers to fuck my shit up.
But that’s too much to ask.