During a heated argument, the wife got so mad at her husband, she told him to pack his bags and get out.
The husband momentarily glared at her in disbelief, but then quickly ran to the bedroom and started packing.
As he made his way to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “After I went through all the trouble of packing, now you’re wanting me to stay?”
10) Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
9) 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
8) Kick the bucket.
7) Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6) Doc, Doc, Goose.
5) Simon says something incoherent.
4) Hide and go pee.
3) Spin the Mylanta bottle.
2) Sag! You’re it!
And the #1 nursing home game:
1) Musical recliners.
A college girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since she started at the university.
“Mom, I have to tell you,” the girl confessed. “I lost my virginity last weekend.”
“I’m not surprised,” said her mother. “It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience.”
“Well, yes and no,” the girl remarked.
“Oh?” questioned her mother.
“The first eight guys felt great, but after that it got really sore.”
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. Their district’s congressional representative, a long time member of the church, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. Unfortunately he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say a few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of this parish during the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
“The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set, and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs, had several homosexual affairs, and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
“I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had indeed come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
One day, the teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly said. “My family went to the zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate”.
Sally raised her hand and said, “My family went to the museum and I was fascinated”.
The teacher said, “well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word fascinate.”
But then Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fascinate.”
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”
The Princess immediately said, “No!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to “gentlemen’s clubs” and dated ladies half his age, and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching, and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders, and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was friggin’ cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.
The End.
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'”
Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”
Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“All right,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”
All the members of the company’s Board of Directors were called into the Chairman’s office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned.
Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table. Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.
The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked, “Have
you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Foyt?”
“Oh,no, sir, positively not!” Ted replied.
“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.
“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”
“You’d swear to that?”
“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Miss Foyt, anytime, anywhere,” insisted Ted.
“Good. Then YOU fire her.”
A police officer pulled a man over for speeding.
As the officer approached the car he could see that the man was very anxious about something.
“Good afternoon, Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?”
“Yes, officer. I know I was speeding, but it is a matter of life or death.”
“Oh, really? How’s that?”
“There’s a naked woman waiting for me at home.”
“I don’t see how that is a matter of life or death.”
“If I don’t get home before my wife does, I’m a dead man!”
A man got a prescription for Viagra, and went home to get ready for when his wife got home.
He called her on the phone, and she told him, “I’ll be home in half an hour.”
This was perfect for the man because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra half an hour beforehand. He took the Viagra and waited.
The half hour went by, the man was ready to go, but his wife was a no show. He called her cellphone and she informed him, “Traffic is terrible. I won’t be there for another hour and a half.”
Out of frustration, the man called his doctor for advice.
The Doctor replied, “I suppose it would be a shame to waste it. Is your housekeeper around?”
“Yes, she is.” the man replied.
“Well, maybe you could occupy yourself with her instead?” said the Doctor.
A bit dismayed, the man replied, “But I don’t need Viagra with the housekeeper.”
