A lawyer and an engineer were vacationing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said “I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”
“That’s quite a coincidence”, said the engineer, “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?”, he asked.
It seemed that Jerry wasn’t able to do all the things around the house like he used to, so he paid a visit to his doctor.
When the examination was complete, Jerry asked, “Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said Jerry. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
A snake and a rabbit were hurrying along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!”
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, “Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re a lawyer!”
James and Lisa went out to dinner for their 10th anniversary. As they were being seated, Lisa happened to notice a familiar face sitting across the room at the bar.
She tugged at her husband’s sleeve and said, “James, don’t look now, but isn’t that Art Lebowitz?”
James nonchalantly looked over and said, “Yeah, what of it?”
“Well, he and I used to date before I met you,” Lisa excitedly whispered. “What do you think he’s doing here?”
“He’s probably still celebrating his freedom,” came her husband’s weary reply.
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play — normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Convicted of murder and sentenced to death, a shapely young woman asked as a last request that she be hanged in the nude.
Although the warden thought this unusual, he felt this last request was not something to be denied.
When the condemned prisoner arrived at the gallows, the hangman gasped, “My God, that’s the most beautiful body I’ve ever seen.”
Softly the condemned murderess whispered just loud enough for him to hear, “If you can keep your trap shut, it will all be yours.”
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.
He knocked on a door and a shapely 40-something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, “Would you like to buy some peaches?”
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, “Are they as firm as this?”
He nodded his head and said, “Yes ma’am,” and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, “Are they nice and pink like this?”
The farmer said, “Yes,” and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, “Are they as fuzzy as this?”
He again said, “Yes,” and broke down crying.
The lady asked, “Why on earth are you crying?”
Drying his eyes he replied, “The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I’m gonna get screwed out of my peaches.”
The pastor stood before his congregation on Sunday. With his arms outreached he announced, “Friends, I have good news and bad news regarding the money we need to fix the roof of our church.”
There was a slight murmur in the crowd as everyone was well aware of the pitiful condition of the roof.
“The good news is,” the pastor continued, “that after a careful review, I’ve been able to determine that we have enough money to properly repair the roof.”
As a jubilant titter filled the pews, the pastor raised his hands and motioned the group to settle down.
“Of course there is a bit of bad news to go with it,” he said as everyone hushed. “The money to fix the roof is still in your pockets!”
Billy Jo asked Mary Sue to go to a movie with him.
“No, I won’t go to the movie with you,” said Mary Sue, “because I know what you will do! You will unbutton my blouse with one hand, and have your other hand up my leg!”
“I wouldn’t dare do that!” howled Billy Jo. “Why, people behind me could see us!”
“That’s right,” said Mary Sue. “So could we get there early and take our seats in the back row?”
Little Abraham, a young Amish boy, was sitting on his bed reading the Bible.
Suddenly, his father stormed in, grabbed him and dragged him out into the pasture.
In the pasture was a sheep chewing grass. His father pointed to the sheep and said, “Thou hast had sex with yon sheep!”
Little Abraham kneeled and said, “Father forgive me, for I did indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast.”
Saddened his father said, “Thou art forgiven my son. But know this. There will be REAL trouble if I taste it again.”
