Brian and Barry were driving in their car. As they came to an intersection, they stopped for the red light. Suddenly a semi smashed into the back of their car!
Brian got out of the car and approached the truck driver. “Look at what you’ve done to our car!” exclaimed Brian. “You’re going to pay for this damage!”
“Yeah? Well you can just suck my dick!”, shouted the truck driver.
Brian got back in the car. “Barry, I think he wants to settle out of court.”
So little Johnny asked his dad, “You know, jerking off seems to take a lot of effort. Do you think it will make my arm muscles grow bigger?”
“I don’t know, son” said his father. “But don’t stop, I’m about to cum.”
Marvin had a problem with premature ejaculation, so he paid a visit to a sex shop for a remedy.
The clerk handed him a yellow spray can and said, “This is Stay-Hard spray. One small spritz, and you can go all night!”
Excited, Marvin took it home, stashed it under the kitchen sink, and waited eagerly for bedtime.
Later that night, he sprayed some on his pecker and went upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, the “remedy” made him orgasm quicker than ever.
The next day, Marvin returned to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snapped, “This stuff made me worse than before!”
Upon looking at the can, the clerk asked, “I don’t suppose your hid this stuff under your kitchen sink, did you?”
“Yeah, so?”
“You grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off.”
Marc was dating a beautiful woman. He loved everything about her, but she seemed especially hesitant about getting intimate.
“What’s wrong? Are you just not into me?” He asked.
“No, it’s not that at all,” she insisted. “It’s just that the last time I had sex it was like the men’s 100 meter final at the Olympics.”
Marc laughed, “Over in 9.5 seconds?”
“No,” she said, “Eight black men and a gun.”
Little Johnny went to confession and said to the priest, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Three days ago I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That’s utterly disgraceful, Johnny,” said the priest. “Especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
The maid approached the lady of the house and asked for a pay increase. The woman was not so easily persuaded, but she asked, “Now, Maria, by what rational do you expect a pay increase?”
Maria lowered her head and looked off to the side before she spoke, “Well, I have three reasons why should increase my pay. The first is that I iron better than you.”
“Who said you iron better than me?” retorted the woman.
“Your husband!” remarked Maria. “He says so! The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
“Nonsense!” scoffed the woman. “Who told you that?”
“Your husband did,” said Maria. “The third reason is that I am better at making love than you.”
The woman was practically livid at this point. Through her gritted teeth she asked, “And did my husband say that as well?”
“No,” said Maria. “The gardener did.”
“So how much do you want?”
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties.
“After all, dear,” she said, “you wouldn’t expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?”
“No,” her husband cooly replied. “but I would not expect to find gift wrap on a dead beaver either.”
A woman brought a baby to the doctor’s office for a check up. Everything seemed normal during the exam, but the doctor was a little concerned about the baby’s weight.
“Is the baby breast or bottle fed?” asked the physician.
“Breast fed,” she replied.
“Well let’s have a look then. Could you please remove your top?” the doctor requested.
The woman removed her blouse and exposed her breasts to the doctor. He proceeded to pinch her nipples. Then he pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both of them in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m the child’s grandmother, but I’m sure glad I came.”
When her husband walked in the door, the wife excitedly told him, “Dear, you know those headaches I’ve been having all of these years? Well, they’re finally gone!”
The husband was impressed and asked how she did it.
The woman explained, “I went to that new hypnotist in town, and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ‘I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache.’ Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone now.”
The husband was curious. His prowess in the bedroom had been on the decline over the years and wondered if the hypnotist could help him as well. His wife encouraged him to try it, and the next day he made an appointment.
Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband came home, ripped off his clothes, picked up his wife and carried her into the bedroom. He laid her on the bed and said, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He disappeared into the bathroom for a moment and then came back to make sweet, passionate love to his wife like never before.
Basking in the afterglow his wife said, “That was wonderful!”
The husband said, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back.”
He went back into the bathroom, came back a moment later, and jumped in for round two with his wife. It was even better than the first time!
Her head was spinning, but the wife sat up and said, “This is amazing!”
Her husband again said, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back,” and slipped into the bathroom yet again.
This time his wife was curious. She quietly crept to the door and peeked through the open crack to see how he was doing it.
There he was standing in front of the mirror saying, “She is not my wife. She is NOT my wife. She is NOT MY WIFE!”
A meeting was called about a troubling matter. Mother superior stood before the other sisters flanked by Monsignor Francis.
“I feel it is our duty to inform you of something very serious,” began the Reverend Mother. “We have discovered a case of gonorrhea within the walls of our convent.”
“Thank God,” said Sister Agnes from the back. “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”
