Category Archives: Jokes

A man, a sheep, and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As the days went by, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man until one evening, when he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got extremely jealous, and growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was to be no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.

Trying to console her, the man introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get “those feelings” again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear…. “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

A photographer from a news organization was assigned to cover the fires in California.

His boss wanted pictures of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze but when the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was too thick. It would be impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.

He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. The photographer was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!”

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”

The pilot was silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

John died and was being given a tour of Heaven. St. Peter explained that Heaven not only had room enough for everybody, but that there were rooms for everybody as well.

He opened the first door, explaining, “This is the Catholic room,” and inside John could see a large group of people kneeling and saying Hail Mary.

The next room was a noisy one with shouts of “Amen!” and “Hallelujah!” could be heard through the door. “The Baptist room,” explained Peter.

The third room was silent, filled with contemplative souls. “Presbyterians,” Peter said.

When they came to the fourth room, Peter stopped John. “Shhh!” he said. “Be very quiet. These are the Lutherans, and they don’t think anybody else is here.”

Jerry passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.

There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, “Over 35” and “Under 35.”

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, “Over 35.”

Jerry found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, “Over 8 inches” and “Under 8 inches.”

Truthful again, he went through the “Under 8 inches” door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, “Once a night” and “Over 4 times a night.”

Still wanting to be truthful, Jerry entered the door marked “Once a night” and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: “Always tell the truth and you’ll never get screwed.”

Evelyn was suing the Northridge Medical Center after her husband went in for an operation which left him unable to have sex with her afterwards.

On the witness stand, Evelyn testified, “My husband Frank and I used to have an amazing sex life until he went into that hospital and had his operation. Now he’s completely lost interest in having sex with me, and it’s all because of those bastards!”

It seemed that the case was clearly in her favor until the surgeon who perform Frank’s surgery took the stand.

“Look,” said the exasperated surgeon, “all I did was remove Frank’s cataracts.”

Two old friends, Warren and Kenny, went on a fishing trip together. Because neither were especially avid fishermen, they rented all their equipment. They rented the reels and rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, and even a cabin in the woods. It was to be a fully immersive fishing experience.

On their first day fishing, they didn’t catch anything. The same thing happened on the second day, and again, they caught nothing on the third day. Finally on the last day of their vacation, Kenny and Warren managed to catch one small fish.

Both of the men were rather disappointed with their vacation, and on the drive home
Warren said to Kenny, “Do you realize that that one lousy fish we caught cost us over fifteen hundred bucks?”

Kenny’s eyes lit up and replied, “Wow! Then I guess it was a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

Charley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.

After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Charley’s head.

“How you like it?” asked the barber.

“Real fine,” said Charley. “But how about making it a little longer in the back?”

Marc and Nancy signed up to participate in a study about the sex lives of married couples.

One of the sex researchers called about a recent survey that seemed to have a bit of a discrepancy. “In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered ‘twice a week’. Is that correct?”

“That’s right,” said Marc.

“But it also says here that your wife, Nancy, is having intercourse several times a night. Is this some kind of mistake?” asked the researcher.

“No, it’s correct,” replied Marc, “and that’s how it’s going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off.”

A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences had collapsed all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stopped by to bless the man’s work and said, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”

A few months later, the preacher stopped by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it was like a completely different place. The farm house had been completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there were plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields were filled with crops planted in neat rows. “Amazing!” the preacher said. “To think that you have accomplished all this with the help of the Lord!”

“Yes, reverend,” said the farmer, “but don’t forget what this farm was like when God was working it alone!”

A blonde dashed into the police station and cried, “I’ve been raped by an idiot!”

The detective on duty immediately took out his pen and paper to record the details. “OK, ma’am, I know you’ve been through a difficult ordeal, but I’m going to have to ask you a few questions. First of all, what makes you believe the person who raped you was an idiot?”

“Because I had to help him,” cried the blonde.