The highway patrol pulled alongside a car speeding down the freeway.
Glancing over at it, the officer was astounded to see that the woman at the wheel was actually knitting!
The cop cranked down his window and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO,” the woman yelled back, “IT’S A PAIR OF SOCKS!”
David went on a field trip with his class to a working farm. When he got home his mother asked him if he had a good time.
“Boy did I!” exclaimed David. “It was great! We saw sheep, horses, goats, chickens, and fuckers!”
David’s mother was a bit startled by that last one, but judging by David’s obliviousness, she decided to remain calm and ask him about it. “I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a fucker?”
“Oh, they’re the animals that give us milk,” said David matter of factly.
“But who said they were called fuckers?”
“Our teacher,” explained David. “Well actually she called them ‘effers’, but we all knew what she meant.”
A weasel walks into a bar and takes a seat. The bartender is astonished.
“In all my years of tending this bar, this is the first time I’ve ever seen a weasel come in here,” the bartender says. “So, what’ll you have?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
Marvin was enjoying a beer in the outdoor seating area at his local tavern when a Nun suddenly appeared at his table and started decrying the evils of drink.
“You should be ashamed of yourself!” she chastised. “Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the devil’s drink!”
“How would you know, Sister?” asked Marvin sceptically.
“Mother Superior told me so,” came the nun’s resolute reply.
“But have you ever had a drink yourself?” pressed Marvin. “How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” scoffed the nun. “Of course I have never taken alcohol myself.”
“Then let me buy you a drink,” offered Marvin. “If you still believe afterwards that it is evil, I will give up drink for life.”
“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”
“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know.”
The Nun reluctantly agreed, so Marvin went inside to the bar and ordered, “Another beer for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks,” then he lowered his voice and said to the barman, “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”
“Oh no!” howled the barman. “Is that blasted nun back again?”
The devil called up St. Peter and said, “Let’s have a baseball game. My people against your people.”
St. Peter checked his roster and said, “Sure, but you’re gonna lose. I’ve got all the hall of famers up here.”
“Maybe so,” replied the devil, “but I’ve got all the umpires!”
Three boys were in the schoolyard bragging about how fast their fathers were.
The first one said, “My father is the fastest. He can fire an arrow, start to run, then he gets there before the arrow!”
The second one replied “Ha! My father can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet.”
The third one listened to the other two and shook his head, “That’s nothing! My father works for the government. He stops working at 5 o’clock and gets home by 3:45!”
Back in the Soviet Union, an old woman was riding a crowded bus. There were no empty seats so she had to stand with her heavy packages. Finally, someone got off the bus, so she grabbed their seat. “Thank God,” she said, as she sat down.
The man in the seat behind her said, “Excuse me comrade, but we are in an atheist society. You should say ‘Thank Stalin,’ not ‘Thank God.'”
“Of course you are right,” the old woman said. “Thank Stalin.”
The old woman sat quietly for a moment then turned to the man and said, “Comrade, I just had a terrible thought. What shall we say when Stalin dies?”
Without hesitation the man said, “In that case, we will say, ‘Thank God.'”
Jim came back from lunch and called his senior employees into a meeting. To start off on a light note, Jim told a couple of jokes he’d recently picked up. (From Flush Twice of course.)
Everyone laughed at their boss’s jokes… Everyone that is but Rachael, who sat there with a slightly annoyed look on her face.
“Why aren’t you laughing?” asked Jim. “Don’t you have a sense of humor?”
“I don’t have to laugh,” replied Rachael. “My last day is Friday.”
The Major spoke to the Sergeant before the morning formation, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”
So the Sergeant went before his morning formation and said, “Listen up, men, Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh and by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”
Later that day the Major called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the Sergeant
A few months later, the Major was speaking to the Sergeant before the formation again, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Mullin’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”
So the Sergeant went before his troops and said, “Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, MULLINS!”
A rather prominent physician died and went to heaven. Unfortunately, there was a very long line at the Pearly Gates. The doctor went to the front of the line and said to St. Peter, “I’m a very important doctor. Shouldn’t I be allowed to bypass this line and go right in?
St. Peter scowled upon the doctor and said, “Up here, everyone is equal. Now, please go to the end of the line and wait your turn.”
The doctor grumbled but did as he was told.
A moment later, someone with a white coat and stethoscope dashed past the line and went straight into heaven.
The doctor ran back up to St. Peter and said, “Hey, how come you let that doctor in and not me?”
St. Peter replied, “That was no doctor, that was God. From time to time he likes to play doctor.”
