Marvin hadn’t been to the movies in many years, but on a whim he decided to visit the newly constructed theater downtown. While the new building was very impressive, the ticket prices were much higher than he was expecting.
As Marvin handed over his money he commented, “Back in my day, the ticket prices were a mere fraction of what you’re charging!”
“Well you’re in for a real treat today, Sir,” said the man behind the counter. “These days the shows have sound!”
A man walked into a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender served the beverage, the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a rat. He reached into his other pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. The rat stretched, cracked his knuckles, and proceeded to expertly play the piano.
The man finished his drink, and ordered another one. As the bartender served the next drink, the man reached into another pocket, pulled out a bullfrog, and set it next to the tiny piano. The bullfrog began to sing along with the rat’s music.
A stranger from the other end of the bar came down and offered the man $100.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replied, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increased the offer to $250.00.
“No,” he insisted, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increased the offer, this time to $500.00 cash.
The man finally agreed, and turned the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender cried. “That frog was worth millions, and you let him go for a mere $500!”
“Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog wasn’t anything special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
A strong storm blew across the Caribbean, and a very expensive yacht sank without a trace. The only two survivors was the boat’s owner, Mr. Worthmore and the steward, Tino who managed to swim to a tiny island.
After reaching land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found.
Mr. Worthmore on the other hand was quite calm, and relaxed against a tree.
“Mr. Worthmore, how can you be so calm?” cried Tino. “We’re going to die on this lonely island. We’ll never be discovered here.”
“Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Tino.” began the confident Mr. Worthmore.
“Five years ago, I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to my church. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, I did very well in the stock market, so I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year, business was good, so each got a million dollars.” stated Mr. Worthmore.
“What does that have to do with anything?” shouted Tino.
“Well, it’s time for their annual fundraising drives, and they won’t rest till they find me!” smiled Mr. Worthmore.
The teacher told Johnny to stay after class. “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”
Johnny denied the accusation and told the teacher to prove it.
The teacher explained, “The first question on the test was ‘Who was the first President of the United States, and Mary, who sits next to you, put down George Washington, and so did you.”
“So what?” said Johnny. “Everyone knows he was the first President.”
“Ah, but the next question was ‘Who freed the slaves?’, and both you and Mary wrote down Abraham Lincoln,” remarked the teacher.
“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.
“Yes, but the next question was, ‘Who was President during the Louisiana Purchase?'” said the teacher. “Mary put ‘I don’t know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.”
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead had been stranded on a desert island for many years.
One day they found a magic lamp washed up on the shore. Together they rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
“I can grant three wishes”, said the Genie, “but since the three of you are together, you will have only one wish a piece.”
The three nodded in understanding, and the redhead stepped forward to make the first wish. “I hate it here. It is too hot and too boring. I want to go home!”
The genie’s voice boomed loudly, “Your wish is my command!” And off she went.
The the brunette went next and said, “I miss my friends and family. I want to go home, too!”
With a loud thunderous clap of his hands, the genie announce, “Your wish is granted!” And off she went.
The blonde looked around and started crying. She wiped the tears from her eyes and said, “There’s no one left and I’m all alone. I wish my friends were back here!”
Little Suzy asked her friend Bobby what a penis was.
Bobby wasn’t sure, so he told Suzy he would ask his dad.
That evening Bobby asked his dad what a penis was. His dad exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, “Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see that this is a perfect penis.”
The next day Bobby met with Suzy behind a hedge.
Bobby pulled down his shorts and said, “Suzy, this is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!”
Tom was a devout Catholic and heard that the Pope was coming to town. Hoping to gain the attention of the pontiff he bought a tuxedo.
He went to the parade in his formalwear and notice a bum standing a few yards away from him. The man had old, tattered and dirty clothes on, and looked to be in a very bad way.
It wasn’t long before the the Pope passed by. Tom was disappointed when the pope overlooked him and went over to the bum instead, but he was absolutely amazed to see the Pope speek to the man and whispered something in his ear.
The old bum quietly turned and began to wander away from the area. Intrigued by how the poor wretch was able to gain the attention of the Pope, Tom approached the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back.
The next day, Tom went back to the parade dressed in the bum’s clothes. Sure enough, this time when when the Pope came by he stopped in front of Tom and whispered in his ear: “I thought I told you yesterday to get the hell out of here!”
A Rotary visitor to Japan was giving a presentation. He opened up his speech by telling a joke that took him about two minutes to tell.
In under ten seconds and with very few words, the interpreter spoke to the audience and everyone erupted with laughter.
After the presentation, the visitor asked the interpreter how he translated such a long joke so quickly.
“The Japanese have a different sense of humor. They would not have understood the joke, so I told them, ‘Our guest has just told a joke. Everyone please laugh.'”
A young blonde was lying on her therapist’s couch, telling him how frustrated she was with finding a job that would suit her.
“I tried to be an actress but couldn’t get cast,” she complained. “I tried to be a secretary but couldn’t stand the environment. I tried being a writer and got nowhere with the publishers. I tried being a sales clerk and that didn’t work out either.”
The therapist thought for a moment and said, “For optimal mental health, it’s very important that you find a fulfilling occupation that’s right for you. Have you tried nursing?”
The blonde thought about it for a moment then stood up and took off her blouse. She pointed her bare and ample bosom toward the therapist and said, “Well go ahead. At this point I’ll give anything a try!”
The receptionist answered the phone the morning after the CEO had unexpectedly passed away.
“Is Mr. Daulton there?” asked the caller on the phone.
“I am very sorry, but Mr. Daulton passed away last night,” the receptionist answered.
“Is Mr. Daulton there?” repeated the caller.
The receptionist was perplexed, “Perhaps you did not understand me. I am afraid Mr. Daulton passed away last night.”
“Is Mr. Daulton there?” asked the caller again.
“Ma’am, do you understand what I am saying?” said the exasperated receptionist, “Mr. Daulton is dead.”
“I understand you perfectly,” the caller remarked. “I just can’t hear it often enough.”
