After a fire had burned down their barn. The farmer’s wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $175,000, since that was the amount for which the barn had been insured.
“We can’t just give you the money,” a company official explained. “But don’t worry. We will replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”
“In that case,” replied the wife, “I would like to cancel the policy I have on my husband.”
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”
Sandy called her mother on the phone and sobbed, “Mama, Ted and I just had a terrible fight! He said a lot of mean things to me and even called me fat! Mama, I can’t take this anymore. I wanna move back home with you!”
The mother calmly soothed her daughter and said, “No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!”
Clara called the local newspaper office to place an obituary for her recently deceased husband. After the editor informed her that the fee for the obituary was charged by the word, she paused for a moment before saying, “Well, then, let it read ‘George Putnam died’.”
Confounded at the woman’s thrift, the editor stammered that there was a 7-word minimum for all obituaries.
Clara paused again, counted on her fingers and replied, “In that case, ‘George Putnam died. Chevy Blazer for sale.’”
Mary informed her husband to be, “When we get married, I want you to share with me all the worries, troubles and burdens.”
“It’s very kind of you,” replied John, “but I don’t have any worries, troubles or burdens.”
“Maybe not this moment,” Mary pointed out, “but then we aren’t married yet either.”
A blonde walked up to the librarian and slammed a book down on the counter.
“This book is terrible!” she began. “It just goes on and on, there aren’t any pictures, too many characters, and no matter how much I read, there just doesn’t seem to be any story!”
The librarian gave her a sympathetic look as she placed the book in the return pile and informed the blonde, “That’s because you were reading the phone book.”
Jerry was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, “Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please, create a trade in our bodies.”
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted Jerry’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, Jerry awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his wife, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m.and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor, ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned up the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p.m.he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love – which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night.”
Terry was known for his hypochondria. He went to the doctor convinced that he had appendicitis.
During the exam the doctor listened as Terry complained about the horrible pain in his left side.
The doctor then explained that the appendix is on the right side.
“Aha! That’s why it hurts to much!” Exclaimed Terry. “My appendix is on the wrong side!”
Joseph was on his deathbed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons were with him. He asked for two witnesses to be present and a video camera to record his last wishes, and when all was ready he began to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end. My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses were blown away as they did not realize Joseph’s extensive holdings. As Joseph passed away, the nurse commented to the widow, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.
“Property?” the woman said incredulously. “The bum had a paper route.”
It was the worst air disaster in Poland’s aviation history. A small two seater plane crashed into a cemetery one early afternoon.
The Polish search and rescue workers had recovered over 800 bodies, and expected that number to climb as the digging continued into the night.
