Little Jeffy hated school. As his mother drove him to school one Monday morning, he tried every excuse to get out of going.
The crying and whining built to a crescendo. At her wits’ end, the mother stopped the car and explained, “Honey, it’s a law. If you don’t go to school, they’ll put Mommy in jail.”
With a sad pout, little Jeffy looked at his mother and thought a moment before asking, “How long would you have to stay?”
In a courtroom in Oklahoma, a man was on trial for murder. While there was strong evidence indicating guilt, the prosecution had no corpse.
In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer resorted to a clever trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “In just one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!”
The lawyer then looked towards the courtroom door, and the somewhat stunned jury followed suit. A minute passed, but nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement, but you all looked on with anticipation! Therefore, I put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed. I must insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. Only a few minutes later, the jury returned and the representative pronounced a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquired the defense. “You must have had some doubt! I saw all of you stare at the door.”
“Oh, we did look,” said the representative, “but your client didn’t.”
Two eighty year-old pensioners were taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a cafe, the little old man said, “Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you the thrill of your life.”
“Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,” replied the little old lady with a grin.
“Well, for old time’s sake, let’s go there again, and I’ll do it again.”
The two pensioners paid their bill and left the cafe. A young man who was sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and thought it would be quite amusing to see two old timers going at it. He got up and followed them. Sure enough, he saw the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulled off her knickers and lifted up her dress.
The old man pulled down his pants and grabbed the lady’s hips, and the little old lady reached for the fence. Well, what followed was 10 minutes of the most athletic love making the man had ever seen. Limbs were flying everywhere, the movement was a blur, and they did not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapsed and did not move for several minutes.
The young man was stunned. Never in his life had he ever seen anything like this – not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he had just saw, he had to know this secret, not only to make love like that now, but in 50 years as well!
After the two old pensioners had recovered and dressed themselves, the young man approached them with his hat in his hand.
“Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody make love like that, particularly at your age,” the young man remarked to the older gentleman. “What is your secret? How are you able to still make love like that after 50 years?”
“I don’t have a secret, son,” the pensioner replied, “and 50 years ago, that fence wasn’t electrified!”
While visiting her blonde friend, the brunette noticed the blonde had two new dogs, and asked what their names were.
“Rolex and Timex,” the blonde said proudly.
“What peculiar names for your dogs,” remarked the brunette. “Why did you name them that?”
The blonde replied, “What else would you name watch dogs?”
Two days into his trial,the defendant stood up and asked permission to approach the Judge.
“Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from innocent to guilty,” the defendant requested.
Slightly agitated, the judge asked, “If you were guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and trouble?”
“Well, when the trial began I did think I was innocent,” explained the defendant, “but that was before I had the opportunity to hear all the evidence against me.”
A farm boy had accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. A nearby farmer heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Billy Bob, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Billy Bob answered, “but I don’t think my Pa would like me to.”
“Aw, come on boy,” the farmer insisted.
“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but my Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Billy Bob thanked his host and said, “I was a wonderful meal, but my Pa is going to be real mad now.”
“Don’t be silly!” the neighbor said. “By the way, where is your Pa?”
“Under the wagon.”
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. When the priest tried to pay for the haircut, the barber refused, saying, “You do God’s work,”
The next day the barber found a dozen Bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to accept money. “You protect the public,” he said.
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “You serve justice.”
The next morning, the barber found 12 lawyers standing in line waiting for haircuts.
Terrance was driving home from work when he was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, he got pulled over again for the the same reason by the same cop.
“So, have you learned anything yet?” snarked the cop.
“Yes, I have,” said Terrance. “I’ve learned it’s time to find a new way home from work.”
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read “BEST DEALS”.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading “LOWEST PRICES”.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read, “MAIN ENTRANCE”.
A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘Pretzel’ hold he has, whatever you do don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”
The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered,”well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw his crotch right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”
“So, the trainer exclaimed, ‘that is what finished him off?!”
“Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own junk.”
