An older man and his much younger wife went out to a swanky restaurant one night.
The waiter informed them the evening’s specials were the chicken almondine and the fresh salmon.
“The chicken sounds good,” said the woman. “I’ll have that.”
The waiter nodded. “And the vegetable?” he asked.
“Oh, he’ll have the fish,” replied the young wife.
At the airline check in, Caleb had three bags. He put them down and said to the young lady, “I’d like you to send this one to Los Angeles, that one to Hong Kong and the last one to London.”
Confused, the lady at the check in counter said, “I’m afraid we can’t do that, sir.”
“Why not?” said Caleb, “You somehow managed to do it the last time I flew with you.”
Jackie went to the department store to purchase a gift from the bridal registry for her niece’s wedding.
When she returned from the store, Jackie went into the living room where her husband was watching television. She tossed the gift on the coffee table and declared, “I think she’s too young to get married.”
“Why do you say that?” asked the husband.
“Because, they only registered for Nintendo games.”
Tory was sent to inspect a remote communications facility in northern Alaska. The region was covered in snow as they approached the landing strip.
The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back.
Nervous about this evasive maneuver, Tory gripped the armrests as his heart pounded. Meanwhile, the passenger beside him seemed quite calm.
“He didn’t land! Why didn’t he land?” asked Tory nervously.
“He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed,” said the man beside him.
As they made a second approach, Tory asked the man, “Hasn’t anyone plowed the airstrip?”
“No,” said the seatmate. “It hasn’t been cleared for some time.”
“How can you be so sure?” asked Tory.
Without a hint of concern the man replied, “Because, I’m the guy who drives the plow.”
The teacher asked her Biology class, “Does anyone know why girls tend to grow taller than boys during childhood?”
Frankie raised his hand and replied, “That’s because a guy has balls and that weighs him down.”
The teacher was a bit annoyed but decided to humor the notion, “Then why at maturity do men tend to grow taller than women?”
Frankie cooly replied, “That’s because a girl gets breasts, and they’re heavier than a guy’s balls.”
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears.
“I have three wishes, so I’ll give one to each of you,” the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
“Alright,” he says, “I’ll have a big, juicy, piece of meat.”
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he’d ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
“I know! I’ll have a shower of meat!”
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
“I’ve got it!” he cries, “I want a MEATIER shower!”
Morty found several denim pants at the yard sale. There were pants in sizes 30 and 32.
“You wouldn’t happen to have any pants in size 34 would you?” morty asked the home owner.
The man shook his head. “I’m still wearing the 34s. You’ll have to come back next year.”
Having recently graduated from nursing school, it was Anna’s first day working at a doctor’s private clinic.
Not long into her day, she heard a man yell, “Typhoid!”
A short while later she heard the man shout, “Penicillin!”
Anna asked another nurse who the man was, and the nurse blythely mentioned that he was the clinic’s doctor.
As the day went on she kept hearing the doctor loudly announcing various things like, “Tetanus!”, “Measles!”, “Influenza!”, “Polio!”, “Mumps!”
Finally Anna asked the other nurse, “Why does he keep doing that?”
The other nurse replied, “Oh, he just likes calling the shots around here.”
A new pizza delivery boy knocked on the door of his first customer’s home. After receiving the pizza, the customer asked, “So what’s the usual tip?”
“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my night on the job, but the other guys said if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”
“Is that so?” snorted the customer. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”
“Thanks,” replied the delivery boy, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”
“What are you studying in school?” asked the customer.
The lad smiled and said, “Applied psychology.”
A young woman brought her fiancée home to have dinner with her parents. After the meal, the mother told her husband to find out more about the young man.
The father invited the fiancée into the library for a drink. “So what are your plans?” the father asked the young man.
“I am attending Bible university to get a degree in Bible studies,” he explained.
“A Bible scholar?” remarked the father. “That’s admirable, but what will you do to provide for my daughter in the manner in which she is accustomed?”
“I will study,” the young man said, “and the Lord will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asked the father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replied. “The Lord will provide for us.”
“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, the Lord will provide,” replied the fiancée.
The conversation continued like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that the Lord would provide.
Later, the mother asked, “How did it go, Honey?”
“He has no job and no plans,” the father answered, “but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”
