Paul went on a blind date with Wilma.
To break the ice, Wilma mentioned, “I absolutely love animals.”
“That’s fascinating,” remarked Paul. “I happen to work with animals every day.”
“That’s so sweet,” sighed Wilma. “Tell me what you do!”
With a proud smile Paul informed her, “I’m a butcher!”
The light turned yellow, and the driver did the right thing, stopping before the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection
A tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection while dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally…I assumed you had stolen the car.”
One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Murphy’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
“Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in me shoe!”
One morning a local highway construction crew reached their job site and realized they didn’t have any shovels.
The crew’s foreman called the office and told his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor assured the foreman, “Don’t worry, we’re sending out the shovels now, but the workers will have to stand around and lean on each other until they arrive.”
A man walked into his doctor’s office with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a grape up his nose.
The man had a worried look on his face and asked, “Doctor what’s wrong with me?”
The doctor briefly examined the man and concluded, “You’re not eating properly!”
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A stingy old man was on his deathbed. Before he died, he was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, he devised a scheme to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
After the funeral, the deceased’s wife went up in the attic. Coming upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash she sighed, “That damned fool should have had me put the money in the basement.”
In an alley, two roaches were munching in a dumpster when one of them starts talking about a new restaurant.
“I was in that new restaurant across the street,” the roach said to his pal. “It’s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere. It’s so sanitary that the whole place shines.”
“Please,” said the other roach frowning. “Not while I’m eating!”
The couple was fast asleep when their phone rang at 2 AM. The woman picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know? That’s 200 miles from here!” before hanging up.
Still groggy, her husband asked, “Who was it, Honey?”
The wife said, “I have no idea. It was just some woman asking if the coast was clear.”
While sitting at the bar, Tony was telling his pals how excited he was about his upcoming wedding.
His older friend Saul explained, “You know, twenty years ago, I got married so that I could get laid 3 or 4 times a week.”
“What are you talking about, Saul?” remarked Tony. “You aren’t even married!”
Saul explained, “That’s because ten years ago, I got divorced for the same reason!”
A drunk man staying at a hotel staggered down to the front desk and demanded a change of room.
“I see you’re in room 425,” noted the hotel manager. “That’s one of our finest rooms.”
“I don’t care,” said the belligerent drunk. “I want another room.”
“Very well sir, but would you mind telling me what you don’t like about your room?”
“Well for one thing,” slurred the drunk, “the room is on fire.”
