Category Archives: Jokes

A police dispatcher received a call from a distraught blonde whose house had been ransacked and burglarized.

The dispatcher broadcast the call over the channels. It just so happened a K-9 unit was patrolling the area, and was the first to arrive on the scene. The K-9 officer got out of the vehicle and approached the house with his dog on a leash.

Waiting on the porch, the blonde clapped a hand to her head. “I don’t believe this,” she complained. “I came home from work to find all my stuff stolen, and now the police department is sending me a blind cop!”

Harry had just gotten a beat-up old VW beetle from a used car lot. He took it for a spin but misjudged a curve and overturned the car.

The car tumbled until it landed directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Ball.

Luckily for Harry, he was pulled out by the Smiths

Emotions were running high. The continual heckling and outbursts within the courtroom kept disrupting the trial.

Having had enough, the judge sternly warned, “The next person who interrupts these proceedings will be thrown out of my court!”

To which the defendant yelled, “Hooray!”

A couple had been married for 45 years. Together they had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife explained, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”

“I’m finished with Denise!” Tom announced to his friend.

“You’re breaking off the engagement?” his buddy asked in shock. “What happened? What did she do?”

“She broke down and told me she was bisexual,” explained Tom.

“That’s all? It really bothers you that much?” the friend asked.

“Yeah!” shouted Tom in disgust. “Who in their right mind would marry a woman who only had sex twice a year?”

Although they had been in remarkably good health, an 85 year old couple died in a car crash.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion complete with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “You’re in Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the golf course behind the home. They could go golfing everyday and every week the course would magically change to a new one so they’d never get bored.

The old man asked, “How much is the greens fee?”

Peter replied, “This is heaven. You play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet?” Peter replied with some exasperation. “This is heaven. It is free!”

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol dishes?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part! You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. It’s OK. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, threw down his hat and stomped on it while shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, and asked him what was wrong.

The old man glared at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, “Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!”

The mother turned red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl, and would never compromise her reputation by having premarital sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon for some minutes.

The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they’d show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!”

The nurse entered a patient’s room with a wheel chair. An elderly gentleman already dressed, was sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. When the nurse asked the man to take a seat in the wheel chair, the old man insisted he didn’t need any help to leave the hospital.

The nurse explained to the man that rules are rules, and that she was required to wheel him out. He reluctantly sat in the chair, and the nurse wheeled him down the hall into the elevator.

On the way down the nurse asked if his wife or other family member was waiting downstairs to meet him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “My wife is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

At best, it had been awkward evening. After walking Alice to the door, Joe decided to there wasn’t much to lose, so he gave her a smouldering grin and asked, “How about a goodnight kiss?”

Incensed by his forwardness, Alice haughtily rebuffed him by saying, “I don’t do that sort of thing on a first date!”

His grin gave way to a smirk as he remarked, “Well then, what about on a last date?”

A preacher had been notorious for his lengthy sermons. One Sunday he noticed a parishioner leaving halfway through the service. Just before the finish, the parishioner came back and returned to his seat.

Afterwards the preacher asked him where he had gone.

“I went to get a haircut,” said the man.

“Why didn’t you go before the service?” asked the preacher.

“I didn’t need one then!”