Category Archives: Jokes

An Englishman, a German, and a Frenchman had smuggled a crate of booze into Saudi Arabia. Without any warning, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for this terrible crime they were each sentenced to 500 lashes with a whip.

On the day of their punishment the Sheikh who was going to whip them announced, “It is my wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one request before your whipping.”

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.”

The Sheikh allowed the request, but the pillow barely lasted 50 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was up next. After watching the German in horror he requested, “Please affix two pillows to my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 100 lashes before the whip went through. The Frenchman was soon carried away bleeding and moaning loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh said to him “You are British. I really like British people. For this, you may have two requests!”

“Thank you, your merciful highness,” the Englishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first request is that you give me not 500, but 1000 lashes.”

With an admiring look on his face, the Sheikh declared, “If 1000 lashes is what you desire, then so be it!”

The Englishman smiled and said, “Thank you ol’ chap, and for my second request, I’d very much appreciate it if you’d tie the Frenchman and the German to my back.”

“It’s a boy,” Jerry cried out, as tears began to roll down his cheeks.

He ran to the exit and threw open the doors exclaiming, “I can’t believe it! It really is a boy!”

On that day, Jerry swore he would never return to Thailand.

It was nighttime, and a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped out and stuck a gun to the ribs of a pedestrian wearing a suit.

“Give me your money!” shouted the gunman.

“You can’t do this,” protested the other man. “I’m a US Congressman!”

“In that case,” replied the robber, “Give me my money!”

A group of blonde hunters were out hunting in the middle of the forest. At a certain point they realized they were lost.

One of the blondes said, “I’ve heard that whenever you get lost in the woods, what you have to do is to shoot three times into the air and wait for someone to find you.”

They all nodded in agreement, shot three times in the air, waited a while, but nothing happened.

So they shot three more times into the air but, again, no one came to help.

After trying three more shots, one of the blondes remarked, “I hope someone finds us soon. That was my last arrow!”

Clifford spent all day putting in a new cement walkway, but was horrified to see his kids trying to write their names in it with sticks.

After harshly yelling at the kids, he stomped back inside, only to find his wife scowling.

“How could you do that?” she asked. “It’s just a walkway, and besides, don’t you love your kids?”

Clifford glanced away as he replied, “In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete.”

Sicilia scurried down the stairs and stood in the entry to the living room.

“Mamma, I’m going out for a bit,” She said to her mother.

Her mother looked up from her crossword and noticed all the frayed tears in the Sicilia’s denim pants. “You’re not going out with all those holes in your pants, are you?” the mother scorned.

“No Mama,” Sicilia replied. “I’m going out with Peggy and Lynne.”

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to represent a long-term client.

After several days of trial, the case was finally won, and the client was acquitted and released.

The young lawyer was so excited about his win he texted “Justice prevailed!” to one of the senior partners.

The senior partner quickly replied, “Appeal immediately!”

For two solid hours, the little old lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of her grandchildren.

Finally realizing that she had dominated the entire conversation, she said to the man next to her, “Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”

A man took his pitbull to the vet and said “My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do to help?”

“Well,” said the vet, “lets have a look at him.”

The vet picked the dog up and took a good look at its eyes.

The vet shook his head and said, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“Just because he’s cross-eyed?” said the man.

“No,” replied the vet. “It’s because he’s heavy.”

During a heated quarrel with his parents Marty yelled, “I’m tired of this run down town! I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I’ll never find it here at home, so I’m leaving, and don’t you try and stop me!”

With that he headed toward the door.

His father got out of his chair and followed the young man.

“Didn’t you hear what I said? I don’t want you to try and stop me.”

“Who’s trying to stop you?” replied his father. “I want to go with you.”