A beggar approached a well-dressed man walking down the street and asked, “Say pal, could you spare twenty bucks for a cup of coffee?”
“Twenty dollars?!” exclaimed the gentleman. “Listen my dear fellow, nowhere in this town will you find a place that charges that much for a cup of coffee!”
“I know,” said the panhandler, “but it’s my girlfriend’s birthday, and I wanted to knock off early.”
After his family moved to a new town, little Johnny had his first day at a new school. His previous school records seemed to be misplaced, so the principal was trying to assess Johnny’s education level.
“Can you count to ten?” asked the principal.
“I sure can!” beamed little Johnny. “My dad taught me how!”
“Well then, what comes after nine?” quizzed the principal.
“Ten!” said little Johnny.
“And do you know what comes after ten?”
With a confident smile, Johnny replied, “The Jack!”
After his female coworker fell quite ill, Bob drove her home from work. Though it was an innocent gesture, it concerned him that if his wife found out, she would fly into a jealous rage.
After work, Bob and his wife had plans to dine out. On the way to the restaurant he noticed a high-heel shoe peeking out from under the passenger seat.
Bob was afraid his wife would discover that another woman had been in the car, so he waited until she was looking out her window before scooping up the shoe and tossing it out the driver’s window.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant’s parking lot and parked the vehicle. As he was about to get out of the car, his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”
Marcus got a job at the Post Office sorting the mail. He separated the letters so fast that his motions were practically a blur.
At the end of his first day the supervisor remarked, “I just want you to know, you are one of the fastest workers we’ve ever had!”
“Thank you, Sir,” beamed Marcus, “and tomorrow I’m going to do even better!”
“Better?” the supervisor asked with astonishment. “How can you possibly do any better than you did today?”
Marcus explained, “Tomorrow I’m going to actually read the addresses.”
A defendant was found in contempt of court and fined $200 for calling the judge a pig.
Following the charge, the defendant asked the judge, “Does this mean I cannot call a judge a pig?”
The judge sternly rebuked, “It absolutely means you may not call a judge a pig!”
“Well, can I call a pig a judge then?” asked the man.
Humoring the man, the judge replied, “I see no harm in calling a pig a judge, if you so choose.”
The man gave a wry smirk as he said, “Good day, Judge.”
Two college buddies ran into each other after many years. It turned out, one of them had actually had quite a bit of financial success, and his pal asked him how he did it.
“Well, you might think this sounds corny, but after graduation, I found God,” explained the former classmate. “After praying for guidance I opened the Bible at random, dropped my finger on a word, and the word was “oil”. Well, I invested in oil, and those oil wells gushed! A few years later I dropped my finger on another word and it was “gold”, so I invested in gold and the price soared!”
The friend was so impressed that he rushed home, grabbed his dusty old Bible off the book shelf, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.
He opened his eyes to see where his finger rested:
“Chapter Eleven.”
A little girl was sitting on her grandpa’s lap studying the wrinkles on his old but kindly face. She gently ran her fingers over the wrinkles before touching her own face.
With a look of wonder and puzzlement, the granddaughter asked, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, but that was a long time ago,” replied her smiling grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asked the girl.
“Yes, He did. About 5 years ago in fact,” answered her grandpa.
“Boy,” marveled the little girl, “He sure is doing a much better job these days, isn’t He?”
After years of scrimping and saving, Harold told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for back in 1999.”
“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” said Harold sadly, “a 1999 Cadillac.”
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. One evening the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight for an out of state conference.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 am.”
The next morning the man woke up to discover it was after 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife did not wake him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
It said: “It is 5:00am; wake up.”
A preacher went into a bar and said, “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”
Everybody stood up except for one lonely drunk in the corner.
The preacher approached the man and said, “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?”
“When I die? Sure,” replied the drunk. “I thought you were taking a load up now.”
