Category Archives: Jokes

An old farmer had three pretty teenage daughters of whom he was very protective. He used to sit on the front porch, shotgun in hand, and run his eye over any potential suitors.

One night, all three girls were due to go out on dates.

The first’s boyfriend drove up and announced, “Hi, my name is Joe, I’m here to get Flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?”

The old man decided that the boy sounded OK and he gave his blessing for the date.

Ten minutes later, another car pulled up. The driver called out, “Hi, my name is Freddy, I’m here to get Betty, we’re going for spaghetti, is she ready?”

The old man thought the boy was decent enough, so he gave him permission for the date.

Ten minutes later, a third car arrived. The driver called out, “Hi, my name is Chuck…”

And the old man shot him.

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

A mother and young girl were traveling down the highway in the family minivan behind a delivery truck that just happened to be carrying a shipment of assorted adult novelty items. Suddenly a dildo fell off the truck in front of them and hit the windshield of the minivan.

The surprised little girl asked, “What was that, Mommy?”

The mother, not wanting to have to explain about things like sex toys, answered, “It was just a bug, honey.”

The little girl thought for a second and said, “Well, it sure had a big dick.”

A man approached one of his female colleagues and asked, “Would you sleep with me if I gave you ten thousand dollars?”

Without hesitation she coyly replied, “For that much money, I could do just about anything you want.”

“Well how about a blow job for ten bucks?” he asked.

“What?!” came an indignant response. “Exactly what kind of lady do you think I am?” she shouted.

“Well, we’ve already established the kind of lady you are,” said the man. “Now we’re just negotiating the terms and costs.”

A young man finds the perfect girl from his small village for marriage.

When the young man asks for his father’s blessing, the father tells the young man “Son, I cannot bless your marriage. I did a lot of fooling around in my youth, and the girl you want to marry is in fact your half-sister.”

The young man devastated but still wanting to get married suggests the next door neighbor’s daughter.

The father tells him with an apologetic tone that she is also his half-sister.

The young man storms out with tears in his eyes and finds his mother outside in the garden. She asks him what’s wrong and he tells her the story.

In a motherly soft voice she tells him, “Son, go ahead and marry any girl you want, that man is not your father.”

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee, when out of the woods came a naked lady running past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.

Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball, and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.

Our golfer said “Yes, she ran into the woods.”

The guy in the white coat said, “thanks,” and ran after her.

Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady.

He said, “Yes, they ran that way through the woods.”

The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, “Hey, what’s going on?”

The guy explained, “You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby, and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and fuck.”

The golfer then asked, “Well what’s the bucket of sand for?”

The guy in the white coat said, “Oh, that’s my handicap because I caught her last time!”

A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment.

He goes up to the madam and says, “Madam, I’d like a woman for the evening.”

The Madam says, “Sir, I’m afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you’d care to, I’m available.”

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he’s only two inches long. Just then the guy says, “Rise, Caesar!” And his erection grows to a full 12 inches.

They have a great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed. “Sir,” she says, “this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you’d mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You’re really something special, you know.”

But the young man says, “No, madam, no. I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.”

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “D d d doc, I’ve bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII’m tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?

The doctor says, “Well, I’ll have to examine you to see what’s going on.”

So he examines him and says, “Well I think I know what the problem is.”

The guy says, “Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?”

The doctor says, “Well, it’s your penis, it’s about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords…”

The guy says, “Wwwat cccan we ddo?” The doctor advises, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.”

The guy says, “Dddeal…..Dddo it!”

The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, you solved the problem and I don’t stutter anymore, but I’ve only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn’t like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don’t care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on”

The doctor says, “P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal’s a dddeal.”

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s!

Margret noticed that her friend Karen was quite agitated. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Well,” said Karen, “I met a guy at the club last night. He was kind of attractive and we sort of hit it off, so I invited him home.”

“Did you sleep with him?” Margret pried.

“Well, yeah,” said Karen, “and we had some pretty freaky sex too, but then he crossed the line and called me a slut!”

“Oh no!” exclaimed Margret. “What did you do?”

“I did what any self-respecting woman would do,” said Karen. “I told him to get the fuck out of my home and take his five biker friends with him!”