Category Archives: Jokes

A woman went to the doctor complaining of knee pain.

After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questioned her, “There must be something you’re doing that you haven’t told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?”

“Well,” she said a little sheepishly, “my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.”

“That’s got to be it,” said the doctor. “You know, there are plenty of other positions to have sex.”

“Not if I’m going to watch TV, there ain’t,” she replied.

The cattle rancher had married a beautiful blonde. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher said to his wife, “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. Please show him the cow when he gets here, OK?”

After she acknowledged that she understood, the rancher left to heard the cattle.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrived and knocked on the front door.

The blonde took him down to the barn. They walked along the row of cows and when she saw the nail, she told him, “This is the one right here.”

The man, assuming he was dealing with an air head blonde, asked, “So tell me lady, ’cause I’m dying to know; how do you know that this is the right cow to be bred?”

“That’s simple,” she said. “By the nail that’s over its stall,” she explained very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man said, “And what, pray tell, is the nail for?”

Looking back as she walked away she said, “I guess it is to hang your pants on.”

Once upon a time in a secluded village, there was a restaurant that boasted they could serve any dish to anybody.

One day a man walked into the establishment and was seated. When the waiter presented a menu, the man waved it away and said, “I hear you promise to serve any dish to anybody. Is that true?”

The waiter assured him that was the case.

“I’d like a warm bucket of shit,” said the man in a clear and calm manner.

The waiter was shocked with disgust, but after receiving clarification to be sure their was no mistake, he took the order back to the kitchen.

The head chef was appalled, but curious to see where this was going. He went back to the mop closet and pulled out a galvanized bucket. He then approached each of the kitchen staff to drop-trou and contribute to the bucket.

With the ring of a bell the chef announced that the order was up, and the waiter presented the bucket to the patron.

The staff watched in horror from the kitchen door as the man fed spoonful after spoonful into his mouth and swallowed every lump of turd and runny juice of diarrhea. He even stuck his head into the bucket to lick the sides and bottom clean. After his meal, the strange man left a rather large sum of money to accommodate the “cooks”.

A week went by and the same man returned to request the same meal. Again the chef passed the bucket, and again the curious man gobbled down the poo. As before he left a hefty lump of cash to show his appreciation.

This continued week after week until it seemed almost routine. No one even gave it a thought when the bucket was passed around and it was their turn to shove out a log. All seemed to be well until one day when the waiter came back with a bucket of shit dumped over his head. There was shit streaming down his shirt and trousers as he stumbled back into the kitchen.

“Sacrebleu!” cried the chef. “What happen?”

The waiter wiped the shit from his eyes and face and said, “He found a hair in it.”

So, after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, “Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?”

So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice.”

A man turned to his friend at the bar and said, “It seems I’ve been informally named adviser on ‘Sexual Matters’ at my company.”

“That sounds interesting. Does this mean you’ll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?”

“I’m not sure yet,” he answered. “During the last staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts. After that I was told that if they ever wanted my ‘fucking advice’, they’d let me know.”

A blonde gal went to the dentist to get her tooth pulled, and she was really nervous about it.

The dentist noticed this and while he was putting his gloves on, he started to talk to the woman so she wouldn’t feel so nervous.

He asked, “Do you know how they make these gloves?”

The woman shook her head.

The doctor explained, “In a big rubber factory they have a whole lot of men and women with different hand sizes and they have to put their hands into a big huge tank of melted rubber and wait until it dries and then take it off and do it again.”

The woman didn’t even blink she seemed to be too busy trying not to panic.

So he tried telling her a joke or two but once again she didn’t even smirk. So he gave up about five to ten minute later.

In the middle of getting the tooth removed she burst out laughing and he had to stop in case she’d choke. He asked, “What’s wrong?”

She just laughed and said, “If that’s how they make gloves I wonder how they make condoms.”

A cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon.

The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, “This here is a very special ‘casion — our weddin’ night, and we need a very special room with a strong bed.”

The clerk winked and asked, “Do you want the Bridal?”

The cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, “No, I guess not. I’ll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.”

An old retired sailor went down to the dock for old times sake. While is was there, he hired a prostitute and took her up to a room. He went at it as best as he could for a guy his age. After a couple of minutes he asked, “How am I doing?”

The prostitute replied, “Well sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”

“Three knots?” He asked. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She said, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”

There’s a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.

The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

“What condition does he have?” the student asks.

“He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder,” the doctor replies. “If he doesn’t obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he’ll pass into a coma.”

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall.

As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

“What about him?” the student asks. “What’s his story?”

“Oh, it’s the same condition,” the doctor replies. “He just has a better health insurance plan.”

Margaret decided she wanted to become a nurse.

Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and change their beds.

Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain.

The teacher took Margaret to one side and said. “When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm. We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him.”