Author Archives: f2x

An old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, “Where are you going?”
He replies, “To the kitchen.”
She asks, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
He replies, “Sure.”
She then asks him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”
He says, “No, I can remember that.”
She then says, “Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget that.”
He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
She replies, “Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”
With irritation in his voice, he says, “I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “You forgot my toast.”

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said, “but I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“Ill start you at eighty thousand.”
“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”

Bill and Jeff both like to golf. One day they were playing a round of golf together and Bill said, “Hey look at this great ball!”
Jeff replied, “Whats so great about it?”
Bill said, “Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!”
“Wow!”, said Jeff, “Where did you get that from?”
Bill replied, “I found it.”

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.
The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the womans spray can! He ran over to the woman and asked, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:”Hare Spray Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.”

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.”Ever have an accident?”
“Nope, nary a one.”
“None? You’ve never had any accidents.”
“Nope. Ain’t never had one. Never.”
“Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”
“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom, I’ll show you how.”
 

A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, “Jump, frog, jump!”
The frog jumped across the room.The biologist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, “Frog with four legs jumped eight feet.”
Then he cut the frogs front legs off. Again he ordered, “Jump, frog, jump!”
The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet. After measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal, “Frog with two legs jumped three feet.”
Next, the biologist cut off the frogs back legs. Once more, he shouted, “Jump, frog, jump!”
The frog just lay there. ”Jump, frog, jump!” the biologist repeated. Nothing.
The biologist noted in his journal, “Frog with no legs – lost its hearing.”

A man was walking along the beach when he found a magic lamp. He rubbed the lamp, and not one, but two genies popped out. The genies told the man that they will grant him 3 wishes.
The man made his wishes, and the next thing he knew he was waking up in the most comfortable bed in a huge gorgeous room. He looked around and noticed that he is in an incredible mansion. Even better, he is surrounded by 50 of the most beautiful women that he has ever seen. The man thinks aloud, “Those two genies really made my wishes come true!” He proceeded to check out the rest of his new house.
Along the way, the doorbell rang. He answered it, and standing outside are two clansmen. They grabbed him, drug him outside and hung him from a tree in the front lawn. As they took off their masks, it became apparent that they were the two genies. “I understood the first two wishes” said one genie to the other.
“I know,” said the second genie. “To be extremely rich, and be surrounded by beautiful women. But who in their right mind wants to be hung like a black man?”

Mother Theresa died and went to heaven. Saint Peter was waiting at the gate. He welcomed her and gave her a small golden halo to wear. She put it on and stepped into heaven.
Saint Peter was showing her around and introducing her to people when she looked over and saw Princess Diana. Princess Di had a huge halo, much bigger than hers, and it’s encrusted with jewels.
Mother Theresa looked at St. Peter and said “Excuse me, but why is her halo so much larger than mine? I worked my entire life to make the world a better place. I cared for the poor, healed the sick, and fed the starving. I was practically a saint. She does a little bit of charity work for a few years, and she gets that fancy halo and I get this little thing?”
Saint Peter leaned in and whispered “That’s not a halo. That’s her steering wheel.”

A man finally goes with his wife to church, after promising her for weeks that he’d go. Surprisingly, the man was so impressed with the preacher’s sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.
“Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damn fine sermon.”
The preacher winced and said, “Why thank you sir, but we don’t used profanity in the house of the Lord.”
Not getting the hint, the man replied, “But seriously, I’m not a religious man, but that was the best damn sermon I ever heard.”
The preacher was getting a little miffed and retorted, “Sir, while I appreciate what you’re trying to say, I must be blunt: Do not use curse words in the Lord’s house again.”
Realizing what the preacher was telling him he changed to a more humble tone and said, “Well, anyway, I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $5000 dollars in the collection plate”.
“No Shit?” said the Preacher.