Author Archives: f2x

Rick was extremely fond of hanging out at the local bar and drinking to excess. Naturally his wife did not approve.
One night, he was at the bar and he got extremely drunk. He tried to stand up, but immediately fell to the floor. He tried a few more times, but each time he kept falling to the floor. People offered to help him, but he rejected their offers of assistance. He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, somehow thinking his wife would not know.
The next morning, Rick’s wife says, “Rick, you worthless idiot! You good for nothing drunk! You were at that bar last night drinking again!”
Rick was slightly hung over and confused. “How did you find out?” he asked sheepishly.
“The bar called,” she said. “You left your wheelchair there.”

A man staggered into a bar. As he was about to sit down, he said, “Give me a shot of whiskey.”
The bartender replied, “No way. You’re too drunk as it is!”
The man staggered back to the mens room and went in. A few moments later he came back out and went back up to the bar, “Bartender, give me a shot of whiskey!”
“I already told you, no! You’re already too drunk to serve,” replied the barman.
Irritated, the man clumsily walked out the front door, stumbled around the building, came back in through the back door, and made his way up to the bar.
“How about you give me a shot of whiskey, if you please,” the drunk man said.
In a frustrated tone, the bartender said, “No, you’re too drunk for me to serve you.”
Disheartened, the drunk replied, “I think you’re right. The last two places I went into told me the same thing.”

A politician running for Congress was was asked about his stance on alcohol at a town meeting. Thinking this was a group of teetotalers he started off his spiel by saying, “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it!”
From behind, one of his advisers whispered, “This town’s main employer is a brewery!”
Without missing a beat he then added, “But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!”
 

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replied, “That would be my wife.”
 

Joe and Stan, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Joe turns to Stan and says:
“Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you’ll come back and tell if there’s baseball there.”
Stan agreed, and made Joe promise the same. 3 months later, Stan died, and the next week Joe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.
“Who’s there?” he called out.
“Joe! It’s me Stan!”
“Stan! It’s so good to hear you! How’s heaven?” Joe asked.
“It’s great, but I’ve some news, some good and some bad” Stan told him.
“Well tell me the good news first” Joe replied.
“OK, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven.”
“That’s great.” Joe exclaimed, “What’s the bad news?”
“Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you’re pitching on Friday.”

A man went to prison. The inmates who had been there for years were sitting around talking. One of the guys said “37” and everyone laughed.
A moment later another guy said “15” and everyone laughed.
So the new guy is puzzled by this and asks, “What’s going on with the numbers here?”
One of the inmates explains that everyone kept telling the same old jokes over and over so eventually they gave the jokes each a number.
Next day they’re all sitting around and the new guy said “25”.
No one laughed.
There was a moment of uncomfortable silence until one of the other guys said, “You have to know how to tell it.”

An old man comes into a restaurant, sits at his usual table, and orders his usual soup.
The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there.
“Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks.
“I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.
“Is it too hot?” the waiter asks.
“No.”
“Too cold?”
“No.”
“Too salty?”
“No.”
The waiter calls for the chef, and he goes through the same routine: “Too hot?” “Too cold?”, but the old man replied, “No, no, no!”
Finally the chief, at his wits end, says, “Sir, I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?”
Says the old man: “A-ha!”

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par three.
Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.
Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the ball onto the green, and putts for par.
The old man is up. He drives the ball and it’s heading for the water trap. Before the ball lands in the water, a fish jumps out and catches the ball in its mouth. Before the fish lands back in the water, a bird swoops down, snags the fish, and begins to fly away. As it’s circling over the green, a bolt of lighting strikes the bird, causing it to drop the fish onto the green. The ball pops out of the fish’s mouth, and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus turns to the old man and says, “Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we’re not gonna bring you next time.”