A turtle was walking down the alley in New York City when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate the incident and asked the turtle if he could describe his assailants and give his account of what happened.
The poor turtle with a confused look on his face replied, “I don’t know, Detective, it all happened so fast!”
A brain and a pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The brain says, “Can I get a couple of beers from me and my friend here?”
The bartender says, “There’s no way I’m going to serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the brain.
The bartender explained, “Well, you’re clearly out of your head, and your friend looks like he’s about to start something.”
With a heavy heart, Marshal knocked on his redneck neighbor’s door. Bubba answered the door in his dirty wife-beater, “What the hell do you want?”
“Well, Bubba,” Marshal began, “Your dog just jumped the fence into my back yard again…”
“What of it?” Bubba remarked while scratching himself.
“I hate to have to tell you this,” Marshal casually explained, “but my dog just killed your dog.”
Bubba was almost dumbstruck, but chuckled and said, “How the hell could your Chihuahua have killed my Rottweiler?”
Marshal continued, “Apparently my dog got lodged in your dog’s throat when he tried to eat him, and he choked.”
Two men were having lunch together as one says to the other, “I’m so embarrassed. I got a raging erection during a prostate exam today.”
“That’s not so bad. These things happen,” his friend responds.
“Yeah, well precum was definitely dripping out,” the first continued.
“It happens all the time,” said the friend.
“I had to bite my lip to keep from moaning, and I was getting really close to shooting my load.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself. Lots of guys experience this sort of thing. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Yeah, but what if my patient had noticed?” replied the doctor.
Two pedophiles are sitting on a park bench discussing their propensities. The first one says, “I like’em real young, ya know?”
“Oh me too,” said the second, “The younger the better.”
Just then a six year old girl merrily skips on by.
“Whoa! Check out the body on that one,” said the first.
To which the other replied, “Yeah, I bet she was really something in her day.”
A 12 year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection.
A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who’s lying on the ground in a pool of blood.
She gently cradles the boy’s head in her arms and whispers, “Do you need a priest?”
The boy moans, “How you can think of sex at a time like this?”
Little Suzy was in the back yard filling in a large hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Curious about the little girl’s activity, he politely asked, “What are you doing, Suzy?”
“My goldfish died,” replied a tearful Suzy, “and I just finished burying him.”
The neighbor asked, “Isn’t that an awfully big plot for a goldfish?”
Suzy patted down the last heap of dirt and replied, “That’s because he’s still inside your cat.”
Tyler had been struggling to come up with an idea for a fancy dress party he’d been invited to. It only made matters worse that he didn’t have any money to actually buy a costume. Finally he came up with an idea.
When the host answered the door, Tyler was standing there with no shirt, shoes, or even socks. “What the hell, Tyler? You were supposed be in a costume,” said the host.
“This is my costume,” said Tyler.
“Then what the heck are you supposed to be?”
“I’m a premature ejaculation,” said Tyler. “I just came in my pants.”
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?”
He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”
Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the café and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?”
Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
“Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking starving!”
A trumpet player was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to an older couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, bondage, sado masochism, and at one point even a dog came in a started humping everyone on screen.
After a while, the embarrassed trumpeter turned to the couple and said, “I wouldn’t normally go to a movie like this, but I was the musician they hired. I’m only here to to see how the music turned out.”
“I know how you feel,” replied the elderly man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”
