You’ve been seeing this technique just about every weekday since I restarted posting. Just for fun I thought I would do a quick tutorial on how it’s done. This is an easy one, so give it a try. You can even make it really large to do awesome desktop backgrounds that will make people think you’ve got amazing art skills! Have fun! 🙂
Stan got a job down at the brewery, and things seemed to be working well.
One day, Stan’s wife got a knock at the door. When she answered, there was a representative from the brewery standing there. She knew the worst had happened.
“You said there was an accident, but I must know how he died,” she pleaded.
“He drowned in a vat of our finest ale.”
“Well, at least he went quickly, right?” the widow sobbed.
“Oh no, Ma’am,” replied the representative. “He got out three times to pee before he finally succumbed.”
An older man was scanning the area for his wife while pushing his cart through Costco. Suddenly he crashed pretty hard into a younger man’s cart.
“I’m so sorry, sir,” the young man explained “I came here with my wife, but we got separated, and I was looking for her instead of where I was going.”
“That’s quite alright, young man,” the older gentleman began. “I was just looking for my wife too. Maybe if we describe our wives to each other, we can help one another search for our respective spouses.”
“Well,” the young man began, “She is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, huge boobs, wearing tight white shorts, a halter top, and no bra. What does your wife look like?”
The older man said, “It doesn’t matter. Let’s look for yours.”
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel for a convention and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Three prostitutes were sitting at the bar bragging about how much they could take.
The first one holds up four fingers “I can take that inside me” she says.
“Well, I can take this,” says the second, holding up a fist.
The third on sneered and said, “Amateurs,” as she slowly slid down the bar stool.
Suzy came in from playing outside and went up to sit on her grandfather’s lap. “Grandpa,” said, little Suzy, “will you make some frog sounds for me?”
Puzzled by this request, her grandfather asked, “Why?”
“Because,” explained Suzy, “Daddy says that when you croak, we’re all going to Disneyland!”
There was a lady in her 90’s who became a bit of local celebrity since she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions about what it was like to be newlywed in her 90’s.
“This isn’t my first husband, so it’s not much different than the others,” she replied with a smile.
“Oh? How many husbands have you had?” the interviewer inquired.
“This one will be my fourth,” she replied. “I was married in my 20’s to a banker, then my 40’s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher.”
“What does your current husband do?”
“Oh he’s a funeral director.”
The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.
“It always made sense to me,” she replied. “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was recklessly speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say,…”
“And I said keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Not likely,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.
What’s the difference between a black man and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
What’s the worse part about being a black Jew?
You have to sit at the back of the oven.
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He pleads to the operator, “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line and says, “OK, now what?”
