Author Archives: f2x

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

“My wife,” the man replied.

“I’m sorry,” said Bill. “What happened to her?”

“My dog bit her and she died.”

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, “Can I borrow your dog?”

To which the man replied, “Get in line.”

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. “This is fantastic,” thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?”

Only one word leapt to mind. “My goodness,” thought the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.”

The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’.”

“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The President of their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, “This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”
The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and said, “I’m glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.”
Suddenly an elderly Rabi stood up in the back of the room and said, “I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don’t read from left to right, but from right to left… Now, look again….. It now says: ‘HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!'”

Linda fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.
But one day he said sadly, “Linda honey, we’ve got to stop seeing each other. Your husband’s bound to get suspicious.”
“No way, sweetheart, he’s dumb as a post,” she assured him. “Besides, we’ve been screwing for six months now and he doesn’t suspect a thing.”
“True,” agreed the dentist, “but you’re down to one tooth!”
 

Few people realize there are actually more churches in Las Vegas than Casinos. During Sunday services at the Offertory, some worshipers contribute Casino Chips as opposed to cash.
Some are sharing their winnings – some are hoping to win.
Since there are so many Casinos, the Catholic churches send all the chips into the diocese for sorting.
Once sorted for the respective casino the chips belong to, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.
And he is known as– (get ready for it…) “The CHIP-MONK”

The kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One bright young girl pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
The little girl asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
 

A licensed counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children…
“You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mom. “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turns to the third Mom. “Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”
Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds, Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!”

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”
“Huh,” the younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did. “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the elder doc said, “Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”
“Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.

He takes off his shirt and the woman says, “What a great chest you have.”

The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of pure dynamite!”

He takes off his pants and the woman says, “What massive calves you have.”

The body builder tells her, “That’s another 100 lbs. of pure dynamite.”

He then removes his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment.

The woman replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was.