Linda fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.
But one day he said sadly, “Linda honey, we’ve got to stop seeing each other. Your husband’s bound to get suspicious.”
“No way, sweetheart, he’s dumb as a post,” she assured him. “Besides, we’ve been screwing for six months now and he doesn’t suspect a thing.”
“True,” agreed the dentist, “but you’re down to one tooth!”
Few people realize there are actually more churches in Las Vegas than Casinos. During Sunday services at the Offertory, some worshipers contribute Casino Chips as opposed to cash.
Some are sharing their winnings – some are hoping to win.
Since there are so many Casinos, the Catholic churches send all the chips into the diocese for sorting.
Once sorted for the respective casino the chips belong to, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.
And he is known as– (get ready for it…) “The CHIP-MONK”
The kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One bright young girl pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
The little girl asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
A licensed counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children…
“You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mom. “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turns to the third Mom. “Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”
Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds, Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!”
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”
“Huh,” the younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did. “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the elder doc said, “Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”
“Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”
A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.
He takes off his shirt and the woman says, “What a great chest you have.”
The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of pure dynamite!”
He takes off his pants and the woman says, “What massive calves you have.”
The body builder tells her, “That’s another 100 lbs. of pure dynamite.”
He then removes his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment.
The woman replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was.
One day, Little Johnny’s teacher, Miss Buzbat asked the class “children, if you know the answer, please raise your hand! Tell me things you can suck!”
“Ice cream, ma’am!” Little Mary answered.
“Good, Jane.” Miss Buzbat said, “Anyone else?”.
“How about a lollipop!” said Steven.
“Very good, now it’s your turn Johnny!”, the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, “A lamp!”.
The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny’s answer. Then the teacher asked him, “Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?”
“Well, last night when I passed my parents’ bedroom”, Little Johnny answered, “I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it.”
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they’ll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, “NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!”
Ethel thinks her husband is starting to go deaf so she decides to test her theory. She stands about 30 feet way and calls to her husband, “Marvin!”
There was no response.
She then stands 20 feet away and calls out to him again, “Hey Marvin!”
She is surprised that he still doesn’t hear her call.
Ethel tries again, and this time from 10 feet away, “Marvin!”
Marvin turns around and says, “And for the 3rd time Ethel, what do you want!?”
