Author Archives: f2x

The preacher’s Sunday sermon was, “Forgive Your Enemies”. He asked, “How many have forgiven their enemies?”
About half held up their hands.
He then asked, “How many of you know that you’re supposed to forgive them?”
Now about 80% held up their hands.
He then asked, “Now how many of you are going to make it a point to go out and forgive your enemies?”
All responded, except one elderly lady.
“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive you enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety three.” she replied.
“Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world.”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said: “It’s easy. I just outlived those bitches!”

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”
The bartender replied, “I really don’t think you should.”
“Why not? ” the nun asked.
“Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf.”
“Nonsense,” said the nun, “I’ll just look the other way.”
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “would you like a drink?”
“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. “Now, how about that drink? ”

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, “Seven Points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie-score.
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, Tie score.”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally he shits in the bed.
The wife says, “What the heck was that?”
The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”

An elderly couple was on a small cruise ship. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a freak wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. Rescue teams searched for days but couldn’t find her. The captain promised that he would notify the old man as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the captain. It read: “Sir, I am deeply sorry to inform you, we found your wife on the ocean floor. When we recovered her remains, there was an oyster attached to her bottom, and inside the oyster was a pearl estimated to be worth $50,000. Please advise.”
The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the rake?”
She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?”
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her “What the hell was that?”
She replies, “Eye – Left tit – Behind – The bush!”

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around, when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Is it your dad or your brother?” he said, hoping to be reassured.
“No, no, no!” she said.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That was me before the surgery.”

A mother is explaining where babies come from to her young son.
“Son a man has a penis, and a women has a vagina,” she began. “Put the penis in the vagina and you are making love. That’s how you make babies.”
The son says, “I get that part, Mom, but I was walking past your bedroom door the other night and dad’s penis was in your mouth. What does that make?”
“Well son,” the mother says, “that makes jewelry.”

A young executive was working late, trying to impress his boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7 p.m., he found the CEO standing in front of the document shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary left hours ago. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. Excited with the opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, “I don’t know what I would have done without you.” As his paper disappeared inside the machine the relieved CEO says, “Now, I just need one copy.”

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs…what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You’ve got 206 bones in your body. Would you like another one?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
I’m a bird watcher looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher. Have you seen one?
I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were wearing a braille name tag.
I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
Well It’s not going to suck itself.
You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if you think I’m cute.”
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

A man appears before the pearly gates. St. Peter leafed through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, “You know, I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a gang of KKK biker sadists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on. There were about 50 of them torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter’s eye grew wide and said, “Really? When did this happen?”
“About ten minutes ago.”