Author Archives: f2x

Three elderly men at a retirement home were complaining to each other of their constipation issues.
The first one said “I wake up everyday for breakfast at seven in the morning and I can’t take a piss until ten”.
The second man replied “You think you have it bad? I can’t take a piss or a shit until the afternoon even with all the laxatives!”.
The third elderly man told the two “You think you two have it bad?! I piss and shit at eight in the morning!”.
“Well what’s so bad about that?” They asked.
“I usually wake up at nine”.

A customer asked, “In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?”
The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or, if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”
The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”
The guy says, “Because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m
Polish?”
The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 quarts of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 quarts of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a jar of instant coffee, and a pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt at check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

A brunette, a red head, and a blonde were having a very interesting conversation and it got around to their daughters. The brunette said, “I went in my daughter’s room the other day and found a pack of cigarettes, I didn’t even know she smoked!”
The red head said, “I went in my daughter’s room and found a half-empty bottle of vodka! I didn’t even know she drank!”
Then the blonde burst out and said, “I went in my daughter’s room and found a pack of condoms, half-empty, I didn’t even know she had a penis!”

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding, and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly, and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it!”

Tommy O’Connor went to confession and said, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
“What have you done, Tommy O’Connor?”
“I had sex with a girl.”
“Who was it, Tommy?”
“I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin.”
“Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?”
“No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was.”
“Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?”
“No father, please forgive me for my sin.”
“Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O’Keefe.”
“No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.”
“Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary’s and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin.”
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. “What did ya get?” asked Joseph.
“Well I got 5 hail Mary’s, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads.”

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he’d love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”
Number 2 guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”
Number 3 guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”
They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, is it sex or golf?’ and she said, Take a sweater”

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. “Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.”
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and barked, “Here Soap! Here Water!”

I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
Duct tape won’t fix that.
Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
We don’t keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can’t feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
It’s not safe to put the kids in the back of the pick-up.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We’re vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
Who’s Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I’ve got it all on a thumb drive.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s
I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She’s too old to be wearing a bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
I don’t have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
2. “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
3. “Were you present when your picture was taken?”
4. Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for breathing?”
A: “No.”
Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
A: “No.”
Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”
5. “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”
6. “Did he kill you?”
7. “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
8. “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
9. “How many times have you committed suicide?”
10. Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”
11. Q: “She had three children, right?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “How many were boys?”
A: “None.”
Q: “Were there any girls?”
12. Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”
13. Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
A: “I went to Europe, Sir.”
Q: “And you took your new wife?”
14. Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
A: “By death.”
Q: “And by who’s death was it terminated?”
15. Q: “Can you describe the individual?”
A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Q: “Was this a male, or a female?”
16. Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
A: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”
17. Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
A: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”
18. Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?”
A: “Oral.”
19. Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
A: “The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..”
Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”
20. Q: “You were not shot in the fracas?”
A: “No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.”
21. Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
A: “I have been since early childhood.”