Author Archives: f2x

Tommy ran up to his kindergarten teacher at recess and cried, “Miss Reynolds, there’s a cat over there by the swings!”
“Well leave it alone, and maybe it will find its way back home,” replied the teacher.
“I don’t think so,” said Tommy. “It’s a dead cat.”
“How do you know it’s dead?” asked Miss Reynolds.
“Because I pissed in its ear, and it didn’t move,” said Tommy.
“You did WHAT?!” exclaimed the teacher.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

Jim and Edna were patients committed to a mental hospital. They were walking along a swimming pool at the facility when Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and just stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in, swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
The medical director became aware of Edna’s heroic act and immediately re-evaluated her condition. After a review of her file, he determined Edna to be sane. He arranged for her to be discharged from the hospital and went to see Edna to tell her the good news.
“Edna,” said the director with a smile, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. For this reason, you are hereby being discharged.” His tone then suddenly became more solemn as he continued, “The bad news is the patient you saved, Jim, hung himself with his bathrobe’s belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”
Edna cheerfully replied, “Jim didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.”

During a college lecture, the professor was explaining how seminal fluid contains fructose, fatty acids, and proteins to nourish the sperm. A young student raised her hand and asked “If I heard correctly, you’re saying there is fructose in male semen? Like, as in sugar?”
“That’s correct”, responded the professor, as he went on to add more statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”
After a stunned silence, the room burst out laughing. The poor girl’s face turned bright red as she realized what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied). She frantically picked up her books and started to scurry out of the class.
As she was going out the door, the professor nonchalantly replied, “Maybe it doesn’t taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.”

A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said, “What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks just like his father.”
“I know”, replied the woman, “I just wish he looked more like my husband!”

Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, “Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?”
“Oh, sister,” chuckled Rabbi Levy, “I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough.”

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.
St. Peter looked out through the gates and said, “Wait here. I’ll be right back.”
St. Peter goes over to God’s chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to Peter, “How many times do I have to tell you? You can’t be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!”
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God’s chambers and says, “Well, they’re gone.”
“The guys wearing hoodies?” asked God.
“No. The Pearly Gates.”

(A special thanks goes out as this was a contributed joke.)

Two men, sentenced to die on the same day, were led down to the room where the electric chair was. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, “Son, do you have a last request?”
The man replied, “Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?”
“Certainly,” replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, “Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?”
“Please,” said the condemned man, “Kill me first.”

A 4-year-old boy was asked to pray before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.
He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one.
Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited — and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying?”

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are – my – test – results – back?”