Author Archives: f2x

A couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her neck. He then caressed her shoulders and neck slowly worked his hands down over her breasts stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the upper most portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful, why did you stop?”
He said, “I found the remote.”

An old man was sitting at the bar quietly having a drink. A young man came in and sat a few stools down. After ordering his drink he tried to start some conversation with the old curmudgeon. “You know,” he started off, “Humans have two ears, and only one mouth.”
“So what?” grunted the old guy.
“Well, I think that’s because we’re supposed to listen more and talk less,” the young man proclaimed.
Realizing this guy was an empty talker the old man remarked, “You know, humans also have two legs but only one head.”
“Why yes we do,” said the young man.
“So why don’t you think less and fuck off.”

Happy New Year.
As another year passes by, I realize just how old I’ve started to get.
I’m so old:
… I remember what it was like before the good old days.
… I knew the First of the Mohicans.
… my first beer was a New Milwaukee.
… when I was a boy Mad Magazine was only slightly peeved.
… undertakers think I’m an escapee.
… Abraham Lincoln’s school was named after me.
… AARP stopped sending me renewal notices.
… I broke the fountain of youth when I stuck my toe in it.
… I spent my college spring breaks partying in Sodom with Gomorrah.
… everything I buy has a lifetime guarantee.
… that’s not hair on my head, it’s mold.
… I remember when the Garden of Eden was just a vacant lot.
… my dreams are sepia toned.
… monkeys evolved from me.
… I creak when I blink.
… my library card says “Alexandria.”
… when I order a 3 minute egg they ask for the money up front.”

A woman walked into an accountant’s office to get help her with filing her taxes.
The accountant said, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, et cetera… And then asked, “What’s your occupation?”
She candidly replied, “I’m a prostitute.”
The accountant was somewhat taken aback, “Let’s try to re phrase that.”
“OK, I’m a high-end call girl,” she replied without hesitation.
“No,” said the accountant, “that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman said, “I’m an elite poultry farmer.”
The accountant asked, “What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over a thousand cocks last year.”

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.
She is speaking in a cheery voice, “Hi, I’m so glad you called. Really? That’s wonderful.
I’m so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.”
She hangs up, and the man asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh, she replies, “that was my husband telling me about the great time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

Down in the subway, a drunken man who smelled of beer sat down next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replies, “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned.” Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

A boy comes home from his first day at junior high school. The father asked, “What happened in school today?”
The boy says, “I learned how to multiply, and I had sex with my English teacher.”
The father beams. “What a milestone! You’re really growing up! We should celebrate. I tell you what, let’s get an ice cream sundae, and then we’ll go buy you that bike you’ve wanted and go for a bike ride together.”
The boy says, “That sounds great, dad; but could we hold off on the bike ride? My ass is sore as hell!”

Well, it’s been fun. We told a lot of jokes this year. Some better than others. Here’s a stinker for Christmas:
Three rednecks in Arkansas are out drinking and four wheeling on Christmas. They get drunk as a skunk, hit a tree, and all die and immediately go to heaven.
Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and tells them that unless they have something on their person that can correspond to the Christmas spirit, they’re doomed.
The first fella easily pulls out a set of keys and jingles them around & says, “These are the bells of Christmas!”
Saint Peter nods and says, “Enter!”
The second redneck looks a little panicked but pulls out a Bic lighter and says, flick “This is the Light of the World!”
Saint Peter says, “I see what you did there. Enter into your rest.”
The last fella is in a full on freak out, red faced and panicked. But the light bulb goes on and he reaches into his back pocket and produces a pair of women’s undies.
He looks pleased with himself and twirls them around on his finger.
Saint Peter says, “What in the world does this have to do with the Christmas spirit?”
The redneck replied, “These are Carol’s.”

The teacher was very curious about how each of her students’ celebrated Christmas Eve “Tell me Patrick, what do you do on Christmas Eve?” she asked.
Patrick addressed the class, “Me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.”
“Very nice Patrick, now Jimmy, what do you do?”
“Me and my sister go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”
Remembering there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now Hayim, what do you do on Christmas Eve?”
“It’s the same old thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside we look at all the empty shelves and sing ‘What a friend we have in Jesus’, before we head to the Bahamas.”

One day little Suzy was watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of gray hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs gray, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns gray.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are gray?”