Author Archives: f2x

Jim died, and because he was generally a rotten bastard he was sent straight to hell and greeted by Satan himself.
“So Jim,” started Satan, “Do you like cigars?”
A little nervous and confused, Jim stammered, “Well, y-yeah.”
“Great! We have all you can smoke Mondays down here,” said Satan. “Look, I know people think of hell as this terrible place, but it’s not so bad. Say, do you like to drink?”
“Sure,” said Jim.
“Oh, you’re gonna love Tuesdays. We got beer, wine, 50 year old Scotch… You name it, we got it all on all you can drink Tuesdays,” said Satan. “So did you ever like to do drugs?”
“Occasionally,” replied Jim feeling a little more relaxed about his situation.
“Well, after a day of binge drinking we got all kinds of drugs to take the edge off on Wednesdays. Pot, coke, heroine… As much as you want, and you can’t O.D. because you’re already dead! Say, do you like to gamble?” asked Satan.
“I’ve been known to place a few bets now and then,” Jim said with a wicked grin.
“Well on Thursdays we got all kinds of gambling from casinos to horse races, and all the scratch-offs you can handle!”
“Wow, that sounds really great!” said Jim.
“So tell me,” asked Satan, “are you gay?”
“Uh… No, not at all.”
“Ouch! You’re really gonna hate Fridays then…”

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pants pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want.”
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog? Now that’s really cool!”

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class, “Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?”
Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, “That’s because guys have balls and that weighs them down.”
The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, “Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?”
Little Johnny countered by saying, “That’s because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy’s balls.”

Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely. Her daughter arranged a date with a local businessman named Morris. After much hemming and hawing, she consented to go on the date.
Morris picked her up the next day, and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot. Morris also had been widowed for some time and found himself very attracted to Sadie. Despite her initial resistance to his advances, they made love right on the picnic blanket.
Sadie was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed “I don’t know how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!”
Morris said “What do you mean ‘twice?’ We only did it once!”
Sadie looked at Morris and said, “Well, you were going to do it again, weren’t you?”

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife, but after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
“How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously.
“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the surprised doctor.
“Well,” said the wife coldly, “you’re gonna lengthen his legs, aren’t you?

Lorraine was driving through a small town in Montana and stopped at a roadside produce stand to ask where she could find a taxidermist.

The older gentleman seemed a little confused and said he didn’t think there was any around these parts.

Surprised by this, she said, “Are you sure?”

It was then he admitted he didn’t actually know what the word meant.

So she explained that a taxidermist is a man who mounts animals.

The old man’s face relaxed with a smile and said, “Oh hell, we’ve got plenty of them around here, only we call them sheepherders!”

In order to save on vacation costs, two secretaries are rooming together.
On the first night Jill turns to her friend Sally, puts her hand on her shoulder, and says, “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you about myself. I’ll be frank; I’m a lesbian.”
“That’s OK,” says Sally. “I’ll be Frank tomorrow night, I’m a lesbian
too.”

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

Two good ol’ boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at their local Nissan plant.
After a while the first guy says to the second, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”
The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even.”

A co-worker informed George that George’s wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George’s best friend.
Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true. He came back to the office contented and relieved.
His co-worker meandered over and asked him how it went.
“Look,” said George. “Don’t start such terrible rumors! That guy isn’t my best friend. In fact I don’t even know him!”