Author Archives: f2x

A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pall bearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket.

They heard a faint moan coming from inside the casket. They opened the casket to find that the woman was actually still alive!

She went on to live for ten more years, and once again died.

Another ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers were again carrying out the casket.

As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out: “Watch that wall!”

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the river below.

Before anyone else could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing, pulled her out of the water.

She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid says, “I want to go to Disneyland.”

Hilary says, “No problem, I’ll take you there on my campaign airplane”.

The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”

Hilary says, “I’ll get them for you, and even have Michael personally sign them!”

The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!”

Hilary is a little perplexed by this and says, “But you don’t look like you’re disabled.”

The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big kiss, said she’d see him later and walked away.

His wife glared at him and said, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replied the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” said the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”

“I can understand that,” replied her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don’t get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferrari’s and Lexus’s in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asked the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” said her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replied.

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, “Darling am I the first man to make love to you?”

Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more than irritable.

“Of course you are!” she said, “and the best, too. I don’t know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions.”

The wife handed her husband a silk scarf and asked, “Didn’t I see your secretary wearing this exact scarf the other day when I stopped in at the office?”

The husband was visibly shaken. “Where did you find that?” he stammered.

“I didn’t,” replied the wife. “The mail man found it sticking out of your night-stand.

Two good ol’ boys from Alabama who loved to fish heard that up in Canada they had a thing called “ice fishing”. They decided to go up there and try it. When they got there, they saw that the lake was frozen nicely.

So they headed down the road to a local bait shop. One of them said, “We’re gonna need an ice pick.” So they got it along with their other bait and tackle.

About a half hour later, one of the rednecks returned to the bait shop and said, “We’re gonna need about another dozen ice picks.”

The attendant at the shop was curious, but bagged 12 more ice picks and rang up the customer’s order.

An hour later the man was back. “We’re gonna need all the ice picks you got,” he said.

The bait shop attendant was dying to know what this was about. As he retrieved the last of his ice pick stock he asked, “By the way, how are you fellas doing?”

“Not very well at all,” said the redneck. “We ain’t even got the boat in the water yet.”

During the Lamaze class, the teacher said, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial during your pregnancy. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room got really quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She greets him, “Hello.”

He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he asks, “Do you know me?”

She replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he exclaims, “My gosh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made whoopee with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my behind with wet celery?”

She looks into his eyes and replies calmly, “No, I’m your son’s 4th grade teacher.”

Old Agnes was a little distraught as she phoned her doctor.

“Is it true,” asked Agnes, “that the medication you just prescribed for me has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“I’m afraid so, Agnes,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before Agnes replied, “Well then just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”