Once is Enough
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man.
“We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once.’
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said, ‘That twice.’
We hadn’t gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said ‘That’s once.'”
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining… Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’ After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.’
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her yon dutiful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’ They are knocked over, but continue to ask.. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies. ‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’ Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. ‘These’ she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’ She then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’ A spry old gentleman answered, ‘They send us on bus tours!
A guy decides to go to his high school’s 50 year reunion. He hasn’t seen anyone since their 25 year reunion and is very interested to see who might show up. When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down at a table and talk about the past 25 years. “How have you been?” he asks. “Just fine, just fine,” she replies. “Although I do have some good news and bad news for you.” “Bad news first please.” “Well, I had to have a hysterectomy a few years back.” “Oh, that’s terrible,” he says. “What’s the good news?” She says, “The doctor found your old high school ring you thought lost.”
Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache. “I’ve got a perfect cure for a headache,” said his buddy Trevor. “Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blow job. Never fails.” A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. “Did you try my headache cure,” asked Trevor. “Yeah,” said Phil, “Worked great! I had no idea how nice your house was, too!”
Sister Mary Ann worked for a home health agency. One day she was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow their gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out. Sister Mary Ann walked back to her car and looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas. Always resourceful, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient and carried it back to the station. She filled it with gasoline and carried it to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. The first one turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m turning Catholic!”