The Lawyer’s Accident

suitA very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver’s door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”

“OH, MY GOD!!!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex!”

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It Could Have Been Worse…

gun2Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”

“That’s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”

“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”

“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”

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Happy New Year

2014Here’s a bunch of great short puns to kick off the New Year!

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

This dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro – what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

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Poor Pussy

catA sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution when a cat walks by outside the window.

“I’d love to have sex with that cat,” said the zoophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said, “Meow.”

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Theoretically Speaking…

mountainsTwo theoretical physicists decided to go hiking in the mountains. After a while they started to suspect they might be lost. One of them gets the bright idea to climb to the top of the nearest mountain to get a better view of their situation. When they get to the top, he pulls out a map and starts to study it. A few minutes pass before he turns to his partner and says, “Hey, I’ve figured it out. I know where we are.”
“Where are we then?” said his friend.
“Do you see that mountain over there?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that’s where we are.”

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The Canadian Blonde

canadaAs a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says “Hi, my name is Wendy and you are losing some of your load.” The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi my name is Wendy, and you are losing some of your load!” Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says “Hi, my name is Wendy, and you are losing some of your load!”

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says ” Hi, my name is Shawn, it’s winter in Canada and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!”

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Devil in the Details

heaven'n'hellOne day, an engineer died and went to heaven, but St. Peter said “I can’t let you in because your name is not on the list.”

So the engineer went down to Hell and was let in. He stayed there for a couple of days and decided that it was too hot and everything was inhospitable. So he built flushing toilets, air conditioning, running water and a lot of other things.

One day God calls down and says to Satan, “So Satan, how’s it down there in hell?”

Satan says, “It’s great! I’ve got an engineer down here, and he has built air conditioning, running water, flushing toilets, and I don’t know what else he’s gonna build next!”

God responds, “You’ve got an engineer down there? That’s a big mistake! Send him up here right now!”

“No way,” said Satan. “This is the best thing that’s ever happened to hell.”

“Send him up, or I’ll sue your ass!” threatened God.

With an evil smirk, Satan notes, “Now just where do you think you’re gonna get a lawyer?”

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The Christmas Frog

frogA guy frantically runs to the pet store on Christmas Eve and goes up to the owner, “I need a puppy for my wife for Christmas. I know I’ve left it late but can you please help!?”
The store owner replies, “Sorry son. you’re shit out of luck… it being Christmas Eve and all. The cute pets are all gone.”
“Well,” says the man, “Do you have anything left?”
“Actually,” says the owner, “I got this African bullfrog in back you should take a look at.”
“African bullfrog?!” the man retorts. “Why the fuck would she want an African bullfrog?”
The store’s owner just said, “Trust me,” and took the man in the back to show him the frog
“This thing is ugly as shit. Her Christmas is going to be ruined!” cried the man.
“Trust me on this,” said the owner.”Stick your dick in its mouth.”
Shrugging the guy thinks why not and go’s ahead. To his amazement the bullfrog sucks him like a Dyson. It’s easily the best oral sex he’s had since college. “Dear Lord! I’ll take it!!!”
Christmas morning comes and he hands his wife the gift wrapped box which she duly opens. “Oh honey you shouldn’t have… WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?”
“Its an African bullfrog,” said the man.
In a pissed off tone the wife asks, “What am I supposed to do with an African bullfrog?”
“Teach it to cook, then fuck off!”

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The Color of the Zebra

zebraA zebra dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. He decided to ask him a question that had been nagging him his whole life. “Peter, am I a white horse with black stripes, or am I a black horse with white stripes?”

Peter is stumped, so he tells the zebra to ask God himself. So the zebra clip clops into heaven, and one day meets God. He finally gets enough courage to approach him and asks the same question he asked at the gates.

God immediately replies “You are what you are, son.”

The zebra is even more confused than ever. After a few days, the zebra runs into Peter once again, and tells him what God told him.

“Oh, you’re a white horse with black stripes!”

The zebra asks Peter how he could have possibly deduced that from God’s answer.

“Well, if you were a black horse with white stripes, he would have told you ‘You is what you is’.”

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How the Seven Dwarves Got Their Names

snowwhiteMiss Snow White was a randy cow, and desperate for a fuck.

So off she went into the woods, to try and get some luck!

She’d almost given up looking, when she saw some chimney smoke.

Then stumbled on a cottage, and went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds, and she’d just removed her pants,

When seven Dwarves came marching in, with a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless, and thought she was in heaven!

Originally after one good shag, but now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command, “My fanny needs a lick!”

And when one dwarf moved forward, she said “You’d better drop your pick!”

So down he went onto all fours, and said “I ain’t licking that!”

“Not there! That’s my asshole, you DOPEY little brat!”

The next dwarf started blushing, “Do we have to do it here?”

Snow White said “Don’t be BASHFUL! Unless you’re fucking queer!”

So reluctantly he whipped it out, to prove he was no fool.

And Snow White gave a big “Heigh-Ho” as she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn’t smiling, ‘cos he hadn’t had a sniff.

And due to his impatience, he couldn’t raise a stiff.

“Relax, you GRUMPY bastard”, so he did as he was told.

And as soon as he was hard enough, he shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow job, and she took him in quite easy.

But she nearly suffered brain-damage when he sneezed, so he was SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said, “You’re next, I want your knob!”

But no sooner than he entered her, he was sleeping on the job.

“Wake up you SLEEPY idiot!” as she wanted more from him.

And he woke with such excitement, that he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed it up her, and shagged her fanny raw.

And dazed Snow White then whimpered, “That should be against the law!”

He made poor Snow White tremble, for he was so big and thick.

“No wonder you’re so HAPPY, with that fucking great big dick.”

With one dwarf still remaining, but feeling rather sore,

She said “You’ll have to use your tongue, my clit can’t take no more!”

And so he put his tongue to work, where others put their cocks.

And ‘cos he made Snow White feel better, she named the last one DOC.

Now Snow White couldn’t do much, with their cum inside her quim,

So she grabbed a cup, and squatted, and filled it to the brim.

So there’s the truth about the dwarves, and how they got their names,

By satisfying miss Snow White, and joining in her games.

There’s one more thing you need to know, and that’s what happened to that cup?

Well think of what you’re drinking…

When you’re drinking 7-UP!!

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Teen Pregnancy

babyA 18 year old girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take responsibility for my actions.”

“I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.”

“Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.”

“If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.”

“If twins, they will each receive a factory and $2,000,000.”

“Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.”

“However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him…

“You fuck her again.”

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The Sailor and the Barrel

sailorOne day, a sailor out at sea gets very lonely, but there are no women around. Unsure what to do, he goes to seek advice from his friend.

His friend tells him “There’s a barrel with a hole in the side down in the cargo hold. Whenever we get the urge, we just go down to the hold and stick it in the barrel. Hell, even the captain’s used it a time or two.”

The sailor thinks this is a marvelous idea and it works! Several days later, he sees his friend again and tells him how much better he feels. “That trick of yours really worked! I haven’t been so clear-headed in ages!”

“That’s great!” said his friend, “because it’s your turn in the barrel.”

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The Desert Island

islandThree people wash up on a desert island. A man and his wife, plus another man. They decide that one person should climb the highest tree on the island to act as a lookout for any passing ships. The single man agrees to go first. After a little while he should down to the husband and wife, “Hey you two! Stop having sex!”

“What are you talking about?” yelled the husband, “We’re not having sex!”

An hour later the man in the tree yells down again, “Hey! I can see you from up here, and it looks like you’re having sex! Now quit it!”

Once again, the husband cries back, “We are not having sex!”

Later in the day, the husband and the man change places. As he gets to the top of the tree, he peers down through the foliage and remarks, “Oh wow! You were right! It really does look like you’re having sex from up here!”

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The Three Spies

spyA French, German, and Italian spy are sent out on a mission. Unfortunately they were all captured. The captors come into the cell and grab the French spy. They drag him into the next room, and put him in a chair with his hands tied behind his back. They brutally interrogate him for two hours before he finally told them everything he knew. Afterwards they brought him back to the cell and threw him in with the others.

Next they grabbed the German spy. Again they dragged him into the next room, put him in a chair with his hands tied behind his back, and interrogated him mercilessly for four hours before he cracked and gave them everything they wanted to know.

Finally they dragged out the Italian. The interrogation started out the same way, but as the hours passed, the tortures became more brutal. Finally 16 hours later, they gave up trying to get the last spy to talk. They tossed the half-dead Italian into the cell with the other two.

The Frenchman and the German were impressed. They asked the Italian how he managed not to talk. The Italian spy replies, “I wanted to, but I couldn’t move my hands!”

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