The Little Girl Visits the Zoo

elephantA little girl goes to the zoo with her parents, she sees the elephant pen and runs as fast as she can to see them. When she gets there, the big bull elephant has a huge erection. As her father walks up, she asks, “Daddy, what is that thing between the elephant’s legs?”

“Honey,” the father gently said, “That’s the elephant’s ‘weewee’.”

A moment later, the trailing mother catches up. The little girl excitedly tells her mother, “Daddy says that thing between the elephant’s legs is his weewee!”

The mother sees the beast’s pendulous member and replies, “No Dear, your daddy has a weewee. This elephant has a cock.”

 

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Detective Profiling

profileThe chief says to the three applicants “Alright, one of the most important things for a detective is to have good observational skills, so I’m going to give you all a little test. You’ll each get a photo to examine for just five seconds, then you have to tell me what you notice about the subject’s appearance.”

The chief takes the first applicant into a room and gives him a photo from their mugshot gallery. After five seconds, he says “so what did you notice about the subject?”

Applicant #1 thinks for a bit and says “he only had one eye.”

The chief looks at him in disbelief. “What? No, it’s a picture in profile! You can’t see the other eye because his head is turned sideways! What an idiot, get out of my station!” He bellows. Applicant #1 flees.

The second applicant comes in and the chief gives him the same photo. After five seconds, he barks “time’s up, what did you notice about the subject?”

Applicant #2 hems and haws and finally says “he only had one ear!”

The chief nearly flips the table. “It’s a picture in profile, you brainless buffoon! You just can’t see the other ear! Get out of my sight!” He roars. Applicant #2 takes off as well.

The third applicant enters tentatively. The chief slaps the photo down in front of him, and after five minutes he growls “Tell me anything you noticed about the subject!”

Without so much as a pause, applicant #3 says “He was wearing contact lenses.”

The chief squints at the picture, but for the life of him he can’t tell whether the guy is wearing contacts or not. So he goes and checks the records and sure enough, he wore contact lenses!

The police chief comes back out beaming and says “you were right! What amazing powers of observation! You’re hired, sign here and I’ll go get your new badge.” So applicant #3 signs his name and the chief soon comes back with the badge. When he does, he shakes #3’s hand and says “I’m curious, how could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? I couldn’t tell at all!”

Applicant #3 smiles and says “Simple logic–he couldn’t have worn regular glasses, since he only had one ear and one eye.”

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Granny Takes the Stand

gavelDuring trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr.Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, “If either of you fucking idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

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A Lesson in Genetics

blacksheepA professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and medicine. One day, the Chief’s wife gives birth to… a white child!

The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look, you’re the only white man we’ve ever seen around here, and this woman just gave birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”

The professor replied, “No, Chief. You’re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about that sheep and I won’t say anything more about that white child.”

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More Viagra Humor

viagraSo a man went to see his doctor about renewing his Viagra prescription.

The doctor asks, “How have you felt since taking Viagra?”

“I’ve felt great! Sex is better than it’s been in years!” responded the man.

“So, you haven’t been suffering from blurred vision?” queried the doc.

“Suffering? Have you seen my wife?”

 

 

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Crazy Drivers

lexusAn elderly man arrives home from bingo and his wife comes running up to him.

“Thank goodness you’re home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!”

He responds, “A Lunatic? There were hundreds of them!”

 

 

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It’s Twins!

babiesA single mother opted to have a caesarean section when she found out she was having twins. Unfortunately there was a complication during the procedure and the mother suffered a coma for nearly three months. When she finally came to, she immediately asked, “My babies… Are they OK?”

“They are just fine,” comforted the nurse. “You had a beautiful little girl and a handsome little boy.”

“Wonderful! But I hadn’t thought of what to name them yet,” replied the new mom.

“Well your brother was here, and he already provided us with the names,” stated the nurse.

“W-w-what?! My idiot brother named my children?!” cried the mother. “What did he name them?”

“Well,” continued the nurse, “the little girl is named Denise…”

“Denise? You know I kind of like that name… It’s pretty,” the mother cooed as she softened up.

“And the boy is named, De-Nephew.”

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The Bear and the Hare

bunnyA bear and a hare were pooping next to each other in the woods.

The bear looked over and asked, “Hey, Rabbit. Do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?”

“Why no,” replied the hare, “I don’t have that problem at all.

With that the bear picked up the bunny and wiped his ass.

 

 

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The Hillbilly’s Hankering

sodTwo hillbillies were on the front porch swigging their moonshine when a sod truck drove by. “That’s what I’m gonna do when I win the lottery!” shouts the one.

“What? You’re gonna drive a truck?” his buddy replied.

“No you idiot!” retorted the first. “I’m gonna send my lawn out to be mowed.”

 

 

 

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A Racist Air Disaster

af1The jumbo jet was crossing the Atlantic when the captain made an announcement over the loudspeaker, “Folks, we’re having some engine trouble and we’re losing altitude unless we can lose some weight. We’ve already dumped all your luggage, but it wasn’t enough. We hate to do this, but we’re going to have to ask some of you to sacrifice yourselves for the survival of the rest of us. To be fair, we’ll go alphabetically. Now do we have any African-Americans on board? Would the African-Americans please step forward.”

The passengers were all stunned with horror over the announcement, but no one moved.

“OK then,” said the pilot, “Do we have any blacks on board? Would the blacks please step forward.”

Again, the passengers stared in disbelief, but no one moved.

“Moving along then, are there any coloreds? If you’re colored, please step forward.”

At this point a little girl tugged at her mother’s arm and said, “Mommy? I thought we were African-Americans?”

“No Dear,” her mother replied, “Today we are Niggers. And if there aren’t any Mexicans on board, we’ll be Zulus.”

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A Dog Walks into a Bar

dogOne day, and dog walked into a bar and casually took a seat on a bar stool. “Bartender,” said the dog, “I’ll have a bottle of Bud, and a bag of potato chips please.”

The astonished bartender complies and is further amazed that despite the lack of opposable thumbs, the canine is able to pick up the bottle and chips with ease.

“That’s incredible,” says the barman. “With a talent like yours, you should join the circus!”

“Why?” replied the dog. “Do they need an electrician?”

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Bangkok Cock

doctorA businessman on an extended trip to Asia had been making use of the various local brothels. One morning he awoke to a shooting pain from his nether regions. Looking down at his manhood, he saw it was bright red, painfully swollen, and covered in oozing blisters. In a panic he rushed for medical assistance.

The first doctor he spoke to said, “Ah, you have Bangkok cock! We have no cure for that, and it must be amputated right away!”

“Certainly not!” protested the man. “I want a second opinion,” and he left the office.

The next doctor was just as emphatic, “You have very contagious Bangkok cock! We must amputate immediately!”

“I don’t think so,” said the man, and he left that hospital as well.

Getting desperate, he finds another doctor in the poorer part of town, and explains to the doctor what the other two doctors had told him. After a quick exam, the doctor told him, “Yes, you do have Bangkok cock, but there’s no need to amputate.”

“Whew! That’s a relief,” said the man. “So what can I do about this?”

“One… Maybe two weeks,” said the doctor, “and it will fall off by itself.”

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The Toilet Paper Trick

toilet paperThe wife kept staring at the mirror pushing her chest out and trying to push her bust up. After about twenty minutes of this, her husband asked, “Hon, what are you doing?”

“I just wish my breasts were bigger,” she replied.

“Well if that’s all it is,” he said, “just rub some toilet paper on them every evening before you go to bed.”

“What on earth for? I’ve never heard of such a crazy thing!” she scorned.

“Well it worked for your ass didn’t it?”

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Caught in a Pickle (slicer)

pickleA man was employed at a local food processing facility. One day when he comes home from work he confides in his wife, “Lately, at work, I’ve been having bad thoughts… really bad. I feel compelled to stick my dick in the pickle slicer.”

“That’s terrible!” shouts his wife, “You need therapy!”

“You might be right,” says the husband.

So, he starts going to therapy, and things seem to be going well for while, but one day he comes home from work early and his wife can see it on his face. “No!” she cries, “Tell me you didn’t do it!”

“I sorry, honey” her husband sobs, “I couldn’t help myself. I did it. I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer!

“So, what happened?!” asks his wife.

“Well, I got fired.” says the husband.

“No!” his wife yells, “What happened with the pickle slicer?!”

“Oh, they fired her too.”

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