The teacher had given the class a homework assignment. She wanted them to report on a talent they had and were especially good at.
The teacher called on Mary. Mary got up and said, “I’ve been taking piano lessons for 2 years.” The teacher told Mary that was very good.
Student after student was called on, and after all of the other students told about their talents, the teacher didn’t have a choice but to let Little Johnny have his turn.
He stood up and said, “This is my special talent!” Then he stuck his tongue out.
The teacher said, “Little Johnny, I don’t understand. How is your tongue a special talent”?
“Well, my babysitter said that it’s a special talent because not every boy that she baby sits has a pussy grinder!”
An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi.
“Rabbi, during World War 2, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spamoni, and I am alive today because of it.”
“Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable,” said the Rabbi.
“Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her.”
“That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty.”
“It’s worse Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly.”
“You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt.”
“Thank you, Rabbi. That’s a great load off my mind. But I have one more question.”
“And what is that?”
“Should I tell her the war is over?”
A couple of friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other, “Why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?”
“It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied the second guy.
“What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired the first fellow. “My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!”
“Well,” replied his friend, “then you must be the only guy who’s never noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!”
A sex researcher phoned one of his participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy.
He asked the man, “In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered ‘twice weekly’. Your wife, on the other hand, answered ‘several times a night’.”
“That’s right,” replied the bloke, “And that’s how it’s going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off.”
A blonde and a brunette boarded an elevator.
On the next floor, the door opened and a man wearing a black suit got on the elevator.
It was pretty evident by the white flakes speckling his suit that the man had a pretty bad dandruff problem.
Two floors later the man got off, and the two women remained.
After the door closed the brunette said, “Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders.”
The blonde thought about it for a moment before her head cocked itself to the side and she asked, “How do you give shoulders?”