Karen and Mabel were having lunch together, and discussing their plans for cosmetic procedures.
Karen said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting getting lip injections.”
Mabel responded, “Oh really? I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached.”
Just then Karen burst out in laughter, “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”
A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
“Honey,” he says, in mild exasperation, “why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I’d never be unfaithful.”
“Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,” she replies sweetly, “It’s just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you’d be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won’t you? For my sake?”
“Oh, alright, if you put it that way,” he relented, “I’ll do it for you. But for Pete’s sake, give me more than one!”
One day, Nancy received some terrible news. Her beloved grandfather had just passed away, so she went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 92-year-old grandmother and offer her some comfort.
When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, “It was a heart attack while we were making love on Saturday morning.”
Nancy felt that two people nearing 100 years of age probably shouldn’t be indulging in such dangerous passions, and said so to her grandmother.
“But you don’t understand, my dear, ” replied her gran. “Many years ago, fully realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the ‘Ding’ and out on the ‘Dong’. ”
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”
One Monday morning Shane the postman was riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
“Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the Postman commented.
David, in obvious pain, replied, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00o’clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing ‘Who Am I’.”
The Postman thought for a moment and said, “How do you play ‘Who Am I’?”
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the “family jewels” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The postman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun, I”m sorry I missed it.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” David responded, “Your name came up 7 times.”
A beautiful young woman is getting dressed for work one morning in her high-rise apartment building. She glances out her fiftieth-story bedroom window and sees a window washer outside.
Thinking she will rattle him, she slowly takes off her dress.
The window washer just goes about the business of cleaning the windows.
Next, she removes her slip in a very provocative manner.
Still, the man just keeps working away.
Taking her striptease to the full extent, she takes off her bra and panties and begins parading around her room.
The window washer still takes no notice of her.
Finally, the woman walks over to the window and just stands there, totally naked, staring at the man outside her window.
At last the window washer puts down his pail and says, “What’s the matter, lady, haven’t you ever seen a window washer before?”