A farmer bought a cute little filly that he planned to race next season, but when he got her home, his old stallion got her scent and wanted her. He started kicking up dust and tried to get to her. The farmer didn’t want her pregnant because she wouldn’t be able to race, so he called the vet.
The vet told him to tie a bed sheet around the filly’s rump to keep the stallion away. So that day, the farmer did just that.
The next day, the farmer went out to the corral to make sure the vet’s solution worked, but the filly was nowhere to be found. The farmer followed her hoof trail to the neighbor’s farm and saw the neighbor’ kid out by their barn.
“Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?” the farmer asked.
The kid replied, “No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her butt!!”
While having drinks with her friends, a woman noticed a rather homely man looking lonely at the bar.
Intrigued by this quiet man, she excused herself from the table and took a seat next to him.
After a brief ice-breaker she said, “You know, if you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
“If I did that,” the man replied, “I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
“Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
“Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
“She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
“Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
“Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’
“And so, here we are!”
Agnes married and had 4 children.
When her first husband died, she married again and had 5 more children.
Again, her husband passed away. So Agnes remarried and this time had 3 more children.
A few years after her third husband passed, Agnes herself died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher said a prayer for her, “Thank you Lord for this very loving woman”. He paused before mentioning, “They are finally together now.”
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”
The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”
The teacher was going over the last lesson with the class to make sure they absorbed all the information.
“OK, children, what does the chicken give you?” she asked in a cheerful tone.
“Eggs!” the kids sounded off in unison.
“Very good!” replied the teacher. “Now what does the pig give you?”
“Bacon!” came the enthusiastic response.
“Great! And what does the cow give you?”
After a moment of silence, a voice from the back shouted, “Homework!”