May-December Marriage

It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, “Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?”

“Yes,” she cooed, kissing him lightly, “She told me everything.”

“Good,” said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, “because I’ve forgotten.”

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The Dandy Dolphins

To wrap up “PUN WEEK”, I’m going out with another one of MoonShadow’s contributions. Thanks for watching, and we’ll be back on Monday with your regularly scheduled jokes.

Once upon a time a man owned several small dolphins that he kept in a large pool in his back yard. Now these were no ordinary dolphins you see, because as long as the man fed them fresh seagulls every day, the little dolphins would never age and die. So the man made his daily trek down a long narrow path to the beach where he captured the birds.

That same day a lion escaped from the local zoo when one of the keepers forgot to close the gate. Now this was a very old lion, and he really wasn’t very ferocious at all. As he wandered about, he found himself going down a long narrow path and decided he needed to rest, so the aged king of the jungle laid down to take a nap.

Meanwhile the man was returning down the same path with the birds he needed to feed his dolphins when he happened upon the sleeping lion sprawled out across the path. At first the man was frightened but then he realized this was a very old and worn out beast. There was no way to go around, so the man decided to just step over the cat. As he did, Federal agents jumped out from behind the bushes and arrested the man.

The charge?

Transporting Gulls Across a Staid Lion For Immortal Porpoises.

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Amphibious Banking

Ms. Patricia Whack was working in her office at the bank when her next client was seen in. Much to her surprise it was an outlandishly dressed frog in striped spandex.

She began the meeting by asking, “Well, how can we help you today Mr… um…”

“Kermit,” said the frog. “My name is Kermit Jagger.”

“Ah yes… What can we do for you Mr. Jagger?”

“I need to borrow $50,000.”

“Well that is a lot of money… Do you have an account with us, Kermit?”

“No, but I have this,” said the frog as he reached into his pocket and presented a small porcelain elephant to Ms. Whack.

Taken aback by this, Patricia excused herself and explained that she needed to check with the bank’s manager.

She went to her manager’s office and explained the whole thing and showed him the porcelain figurine. “I’m not really sure to make of this,” she said.

The manager replied, “It’s a nick-knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

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The Cursing Clone

A mad scientist was feeling kind of lonely in his laboratory, so he decided to create a clone of himself to keep him company. His creation was mostly a success, but the clone had a very foul mouth, and it greatly disturbed the mad creator.

One day they went into town to get groceries at the store. Upon entering the store the clone let out a slew of epithets and profanities that would make a sailor wince. The embarrassed scientist spun around and forcefully shoved the clone out the door where he tumbled into the street.

A passing police officer saw this and immediately arrested the mad scientist.

The charge?

Making an obscene clone fall.

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Avoiding a Box

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

A nearby cop pulled him over, suspecting the man of drinking and driving. The man pointed out the carton in the road and explained that it was the reason for his swerving.

The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. Inside the container were thousands of large upholstery tacks.

“I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but it looks like I have to place you under arrest.”

Dumbfounded, the driver asked, “For what?”

The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”

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