The Drive

Two elderly women, Mildred and Agnes, were out driving in a large sedan. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but Mildred just went on through. Agnes thought to herself, “I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light.”

A few minutes later they came to another red light, and again Mildred went right through. This time Agnes was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she might have been mistaken. She decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to Mildred and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned and said, “Oh, am I driving?”

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The Mural

A wealthy eccentric wanted a mural painted on his library wall. He called an artist and explained what he wanted, “I’m a bit of a history buff, and I’d like for you to paint an interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died.”

The artist came over and began to work on his masterpiece. A few days later he emerged to inform his employer that the work was completed.

The man went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he shouted at the artist, “What the hell is this?”

“It’s an interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind,” said the artist. “I call it, ‘Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians’.”

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The Calls

The cantankerous old managing partner finally passed away. Strangely the firm’s receptionist kept receiving calls asking to speak with him.

“I’m sorry, he’s dead,” was her standard answer.

Eventually, the receptionist began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why they kept calling.

“I used to be one of his junior associates,” replied the caller, “and I just like to hear you say it.”

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The Anniversary

Marvin and Ilene went out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, Ilene noticed a tear in Marvin’s eye.

“Marvin,” she asked, “are you getting sentimental because we’ve celebrated 50 wonderful years together?”

“No, I was thinking about that day before we got married,” replied Marvin. “Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. I just realized that tomorrow I could’ve been a free man!”

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Jody Call

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had started seeing another guy while he had been away and wanted to break up with him. To add insult to injury she also wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (some with clothes and some without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:

“I don’t remember which one you were. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back.”

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