Health Tips

A reporter was interviewing a woman who had just turned 105. Amazed by her longevity he asked, “Can you give us any secret health tips to live as long as you?”

The old woman thought for a second and replied, “For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps.”

Startled by this response the reporter asks, “Don’t you ever drink any water?”

The old woman replied, “Heavens! I ain’t never been that sick.”

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A Minor Birth Defect

The doctor was holding him and told the parent, “I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids.”

The mother replies, “That’s terrible. What are we going to do?”

The doctor says, “I’ve seen this before, don’t worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids.”

The father says, “Won’t that make him cock-eyed.”

The doctor replies, “No, if anything it will give him foresight”

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Six Double Vodkas

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”

The barman says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my son is gay too!”

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah… my wife!”

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The Lawyer’s Last Judgement

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asked him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought for a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait, Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back affirming this too had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “I’d say let’s give him back his 50ยข and tell him to go to Hell.”

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How to Get to Heaven

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class of what it takes to go to heaven. “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?” she asked the children.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Again the answer was, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my family more, would that get me into heaven?”

Once more they all answered, “NO!”

Thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than she had given them credit for she asked, “Then how can I get into heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”

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