Crazy Drivers

lexusAn elderly man arrives home from bingo and his wife comes running up to him.

“Thank goodness you’re home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!”

He responds, “A Lunatic? There were hundreds of them!”



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It’s Twins!

babiesA single mother opted to have a caesarean section when she found out she was having twins. Unfortunately there was a complication during the procedure and the mother suffered a coma for nearly three months. When she finally came to, she immediately asked, “My babies… Are they OK?”

“They are just fine,” comforted the nurse. “You had a beautiful little girl and a handsome little boy.”

“Wonderful! But I hadn’t thought of what to name them yet,” replied the new mom.

“Well your brother was here, and he already provided us with the names,” stated the nurse.

“W-w-what?! My idiot brother named my children?!” cried the mother. “What did he name them?”

“Well,” continued the nurse, “the little girl is named Denise…”

“Denise? You know I kind of like that name… It’s pretty,” the mother cooed as she softened up.

“And the boy is named, De-Nephew.”

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The Bear and the Hare

bunnyA bear and a hare were pooping next to each other in the woods.

The bear looked over and asked, “Hey, Rabbit. Do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?”

“Why no,” replied the hare, “I don’t have that problem at all.

With that the bear picked up the bunny and wiped his ass.



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The Hillbilly’s Hankering

sodTwo hillbillies were on the front porch swigging their moonshine when a sod truck drove by. “That’s what I’m gonna do when I win the lottery!” shouts the one.

“What? You’re gonna drive a truck?” his buddy replied.

“No you idiot!” retorted the first. “I’m gonna send my lawn out to be mowed.”




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A Racist Air Disaster

af1The jumbo jet was crossing the Atlantic when the captain made an announcement over the loudspeaker, “Folks, we’re having some engine trouble and we’re losing altitude unless we can lose some weight. We’ve already dumped all your luggage, but it wasn’t enough. We hate to do this, but we’re going to have to ask some of you to sacrifice yourselves for the survival of the rest of us. To be fair, we’ll go alphabetically. Now do we have any African-Americans on board? Would the African-Americans please step forward.”

The passengers were all stunned with horror over the announcement, but no one moved.

“OK then,” said the pilot, “Do we have any blacks on board? Would the blacks please step forward.”

Again, the passengers stared in disbelief, but no one moved.

“Moving along then, are there any coloreds? If you’re colored, please step forward.”

At this point a little girl tugged at her mother’s arm and said, “Mommy? I thought we were African-Americans?”

“No Dear,” her mother replied, “Today we are Niggers. And if there aren’t any Mexicans on board, we’ll be Zulus.”

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A Dog Walks into a Bar

dogOne day, and dog walked into a bar and casually took a seat on a bar stool. “Bartender,” said the dog, “I’ll have a bottle of Bud, and a bag of potato chips please.”

The astonished bartender complies and is further amazed that despite the lack of opposable thumbs, the canine is able to pick up the bottle and chips with ease.

“That’s incredible,” says the barman. “With a talent like yours, you should join the circus!”

“Why?” replied the dog. “Do they need an electrician?”

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Bangkok Cock

doctorA businessman on an extended trip to Asia had been making use of the various local brothels. One morning he awoke to a shooting pain from his nether regions. Looking down at his manhood, he saw it was bright red, painfully swollen, and covered in oozing blisters. In a panic he rushed for medical assistance.

The first doctor he spoke to said, “Ah, you have Bangkok cock! We have no cure for that, and it must be amputated right away!”

“Certainly not!” protested the man. “I want a second opinion,” and he left the office.

The next doctor was just as emphatic, “You have very contagious Bangkok cock! We must amputate immediately!”

“I don’t think so,” said the man, and he left that hospital as well.

Getting desperate, he finds another doctor in the poorer part of town, and explains to the doctor what the other two doctors had told him. After a quick exam, the doctor told him, “Yes, you do have Bangkok cock, but there’s no need to amputate.”

“Whew! That’s a relief,” said the man. “So what can I do about this?”

“One… Maybe two weeks,” said the doctor, “and it will fall off by itself.”

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The Toilet Paper Trick

toilet paperThe wife kept staring at the mirror pushing her chest out and trying to push her bust up. After about twenty minutes of this, her husband asked, “Hon, what are you doing?”

“I just wish my breasts were bigger,” she replied.

“Well if that’s all it is,” he said, “just rub some toilet paper on them every evening before you go to bed.”

“What on earth for? I’ve never heard of such a crazy thing!” she scorned.

“Well it worked for your ass didn’t it?”

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Caught in a Pickle (slicer)

pickleA man was employed at a local food processing facility. One day when he comes home from work he confides in his wife, “Lately, at work, I’ve been having bad thoughts… really bad. I feel compelled to stick my dick in the pickle slicer.”

“That’s terrible!” shouts his wife, “You need therapy!”

“You might be right,” says the husband.

So, he starts going to therapy, and things seem to be going well for while, but one day he comes home from work early and his wife can see it on his face. “No!” she cries, “Tell me you didn’t do it!”

“I sorry, honey” her husband sobs, “I couldn’t help myself. I did it. I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer!

“So, what happened?!” asks his wife.

“Well, I got fired.” says the husband.

“No!” his wife yells, “What happened with the pickle slicer?!”

“Oh, they fired her too.”

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How I Make My Backgrounds

background tutorial

You’ve been seeing this technique just about every weekday since I restarted posting. Just for fun I thought I would do a quick tutorial on how it’s done. This is an easy one, so give it a try. You can even make it really large to do awesome desktop backgrounds that will make people think you’ve got amazing art skills! Have fun! :-)

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Alcohol Kills

beerStan got a job down at the brewery, and things seemed to be working well.

One day, Stan’s wife got a knock at the door. When she answered, there was a representative from the brewery standing there. She knew the worst had happened.

“You said there was an accident, but I must know how he died,” she pleaded.

“He drowned in a vat of our finest ale.”

“Well, at least he went quickly, right?” the widow sobbed.

“Oh no, Ma’am,” replied the representative. “He got out three times to pee before he finally succumbed.”

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The Costco Cart Crash

grocerycartAn older man was scanning the area for his wife while pushing his cart through Costco. Suddenly he crashed pretty hard into a younger man’s cart.

“I’m so sorry, sir,” the young man explained “I came here with my wife, but we got separated, and I was looking for her instead of where I was going.”

“That’s quite alright, young man,” the older gentleman began. “I was just looking for my wife too. Maybe if we describe our wives to each other, we can help one another search for our respective spouses.”

“Well,” the young man began, “She is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, huge boobs, wearing tight white shorts, a halter top, and no bra. What does your wife look like?”

The older man said, “It doesn’t matter. Let’s look for yours.”

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The Chess Convention

chessA group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel for a convention and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”



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Three Hookers at the Bar

barThree prostitutes were sitting at the bar bragging about how much they could take.

The first one holds up four fingers “I can take that inside me” she says.

“Well, I can take this,” says the second, holding up a fist.

The third on sneered and said, “Amateurs,” as she slowly slid down the bar stool.



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