The Hunting Incident

deadA couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He pleads to the operator, “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line and says, “OK, now what?”

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Woman Buys Cyanide

poisonA nice, calm and respectable woman went into a pharmacy, looked the pharmacist straight in his eyes and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The woman replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord, have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! My license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! No! You cannot have any cyanide!”

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and calmly replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

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A Refugee Reservist

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OK, so back to the story… Brandon kicked Tyler out by getting him back in Reserves. Apparently he’s been living at the Reserve Unit this whole time. SSG Bromite realizes this isn’t going to work. If you have any questions please catch up by checking the archives or clicking here.

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Why Wasn’t I Updating?

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Basically I don’t have to. There isn’t anyone getting payed to do this, so no one’s going to get fired if I take an extended vacation.

A long time ago I used to be active in the webcomic’s scene… OK, I just posted in a forum devoted to webcomics, acting like I actually had some kind of talent, but I digress. Since then, a lot of the struggling webcomics like mine are gone. Many of their domains expired, and they ended up in the hands of those weird spammy Asians who think they can make a buck off it somehow. Occasionally I think about those webcomics. Some of them were pretty good too. Maybe they were a bit too weird to ever get a wide audience, but these people put their hearts into something they thought they could do, and now they are gone. It kind of makes me sad.

So even if I never post another update again, I’ve kind of vowed that no one else is ever, ever, going to take over my domain (unless they offer me a lot of money), and since it’s mine, I may just get something out of it by posting my jokes and webcomics when the mood moves me. Today it moved me.

Like the movie, “Rubber”, this site is an homage to the “no reason“. Why do I do this? Absolutely no fucking reason.

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High Priced Hooker (is a bargain!)

300bucksA guy runs into a stunning hooker in a bar. After the initial ice breaker and small talk she says, “This is your lucky night. I’m running a special. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.”

The guy thinks it over and says to himself, “Hey, why not?”

He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and lays three hundred-dollar bills one at a time on the bar as he slowly says, “Paint… my… house.”

This one is kind of fun for me as it’s actually costing me $3500 to get my house painted right now.

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Four Nuns

nunsFour nuns were in a car crash and died. They went to the Pearly Gates and stood before St. Peter.

He said: “Before I let you into heaven, I have to make sure you’re pure. Have any of you had anything to do with a man’s private parts?”

The first said: “I saw a penis once.”

Peter replied: “Wash your eyes with the holy water from the fount and then you can enter heaven.”

The second said: “I touched a man’s penis once.”

Peter replied: “Wash your hands in the fount and then you can enter heaven.”

Just then the fourth cuts in front of the third. Peter asked “what are you doing?”

She replied: “If I have to gargle with that water, I’m going to do it before Sister Ruth sits in it.”

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The Chicken Farmer

chickA city boy moves to the country and decides he’s going to start farming. He goes to a local hatchery and tells the owner, “Give me 100 baby chickens.”

A week later he returns and says, “Give me 200 baby chickens.”

Again, a week later young man returns. This time he says, “Give me 500 baby chickens.”

“Wow!” the hatchery owner replies. “You must be doing really well.”

“Not really,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

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The Ironing Incident

ironOne day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged. When his boss asked him what happened, he explained, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”

“Well,” the boss said, “that explains one ear, but what about the other?”

“They called back!”

 

 

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The New York Turtle

turtleA turtle was walking down the alley in New York City when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate the incident and asked the turtle if he could describe his assailants and give his account of what happened.

The poor turtle with a confused look on his face replied, “I don’t know, Detective, it all happened so fast!”

 

 

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A Brainy Joke

brainA brain and a pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The brain says, “Can I get a couple of beers from me and my friend here?”

The bartender says, “There’s no way I’m going to serve you.”

“Why not?” asked the brain.

The bartender explained, “Well, you’re clearly out of your head, and your friend looks like he’s about to start something.”

 

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Doggone Sad

dogWith a heavy heart, Marshal knocked on his redneck neighbor’s door. Bubba answered the door in his dirty wife-beater, “What the hell do you want?”

“Well, Bubba,” Marshal began, “Your dog just jumped the fence into my back yard again…”

“What of it?” Bubba remarked while scratching himself.

“I hate to have to tell you this,” Marshal casually explained, “but my dog just killed your dog.”

Bubba was almost dumbstruck, but chuckled and said, “How the hell could your Chihuahua have killed my Rottweiler?”

Marshal continued, “Apparently my dog got lodged in your dog’s throat when he tried to eat him, and he choked.”

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The Prostate Exam

doctorTwo men were having lunch together as one says to the other, “I’m so embarrassed. I got a raging erection during a prostate exam today.”

“That’s not so bad. These things happen,” his friend responds.

“Yeah, well precum was definitely dripping out,” the first continued.

“It happens all the time,” said the friend.

“I had to bite my lip to keep from moaning, and I was getting really close to shooting my load.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself. Lots of guys experience this sort of thing. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Yeah, but what if my patient had noticed?” replied the doctor.

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Pedos in the Park

benchTwo pedophiles are sitting on a park bench discussing their propensities. The first one says, “I like’em  real young, ya know?”

“Oh me too,” said the second, “The younger the better.”

Just then a six year old girl merrily skips on by.

“Whoa! Check out the body on that one,” said the first.

To which the other replied, “Yeah, I bet she was really something in her day.”

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Last Rights

lexusA 12 year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection.

A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who’s lying on the ground in a pool of blood.

She gently cradles the boy’s head in her arms and whispers, “Do you need a priest?”

The boy moans, “How you can think of sex at a time like this?”

 

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