Dirty Grandpa Harry was feeling a bit frisky one night. Not wanting to waste a rare erection he nudged Grandma laying in bed next to him.
“Hey Ethel,” he said as he lifted the sheets. “How’d you like to put your teeth around this beauty!”
Bleary eyed she reached over to the nightstand and grabbed her dentures. As she handed them to Harry, she said, “You go right ahead, but try not to disturb me.”
John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, “What’s wrong?”
“It’s my mother-in-law,” John replied, while shaking his head sadly. “I have a real problem with her.”
“Cheer up,” Steve said. “Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law.”
“Yeah,” John answered. “But I got mine pregnant.”
A little boy went up to his father and asked, “Dad, why do they say gardeners have green thumbs, when their thumbs aren’t green?”
The father replied, “It’s just a saying, son. It’s like when somebody is caught stealing, they say they have been caught ‘red handed’, even though their hands are actually black.”
A pub in Dublin was burning to the ground and firefighters rushed in to put out the fire.
When they got inside they found an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation.
They dragged him out of the bar, and eventually the man came to.
One of the firemen asked “Can you tell us how the fire got started?”
The Irishman replied, “How should I know? It was already burning when I walked in.”
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, “Is this a union house?”
“No, I’m sorry it isn’t.”
“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.”
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, “Why yes, this is a union house.”
“And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”
“That’s more like it!” the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. “I’d like her for the night.”
“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-nine-year-old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”