They All Die and Go to Hell

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.

When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.

When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.

When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is 25¢.

When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic, and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply?

The devil smiles and replies, “The country’s gone to hell since Obama took over, so it’s a local call.”

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Out Drinking

The two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally ran out.

“I have an idea,” mumbled Al. “Lesh go over to my housh and borrow shum money from my wife.”

The two of them reeled into Al’s living room, snapped on the light, and, lo and behold, there was Al’s wife on the sofa screwing another man. This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al’s friend, but didn’t seem to affect the husband.

“Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever- lovin’ hushban?” he asked.

“Yes, yes,” she snapped. “Take my purse from the mantel and, for Pete’s sake, turn off those lights.”

Outside, they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, “There’s enough here for a beer for you and a beer for me. Pretty good eh, old buddy?”

“But, Al,” protested his friend somewhat sobered by the spectacle he’d just witnessed, “what about that fellow back there screwing your wife?”

“Fuck him,” replied Al. “Let him buy his own godam beer.”

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Three Old Geezers

Three old geezers were on the nursing home porch exchanging confidences.

Maurice started complaining: “You know, I’m getting so old. Yesterday I tried to take a stroll through the halls, but my knees gave way again. I’m just not up to it.”

Paul chimed in: “I know what you mean, but with me, it’s my stomach. There was a great meal last night, but I couldn’t eat a thing. I’m just not up to it.”

Then old George wanted to join in the conversation: “Yep. Let me tell you, Nurse Kidman came in to my room just before dinner and said, ‘I want you to do to me what you did at breakfast and lunch, George. That felt SO good.’ Nope, I’m just not up to it.”

Maurice and Paul looked at him in disbelief. “Just what did you do before breakfast and lunch?” one of them asked.

“That’s why I wasn’t up to it,” said George. “I couldn’t remember what she was talking about.”

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Little Frozen Baby Skunk

Bob and his wife, were driving home one very cold night when she asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to Bob, ‘It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?’

He says, ‘O. K., Get in the car with it.’

‘Where shall I put it to get it warm?’

Bob says, ‘Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.’

‘But what about the smell?’

‘Just hold its little nose.’

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The Photo

Jon’s worked for a blonde man. One day his boss angrily forced a photo into his face, “Just what the hell is this?”

“Well,” Jon calmly replied, “It looks like a picture of me having sex with your wife.”

“Oh you’ve got some nerve you son of a bitch!” shouted the boss.

“Now wait just a minute,” said Jon. “This picture has clearly been Photoshopped.”

“What?” came the surprised boss. “How can you tell?”

“Just look right there. Your wife’s tits aren’t that big, and they’ve air-brushed out the mole by her fanny,” explained Jon.

“Well I’ll be damned! You’re right. Sorry, Jon. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusion.”

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