Getting Out of a Speeding Ticket

copsTim had just been pulled over by a local deputy, “Sir, were you aware that you were going 50 in a 35?”

Looking the deputy square in the eye, Tim said, “Well, I probably got a little carried away drag racing that other car.”

The deputy looked around, but there were no other cars. “Have you been drinking today, Sir?” he asked.

“Well, I’ve probably had about three or four shots a whisky. It takes the edge off the cocaine,” said Tim in a very calm matter of fact manner.

“I’m going to have to ask you to step out of your vehicle, Sir,” said the deputy. “Are there any weapons or drugs in the vehicle that I should be aware of?”

“Well, there’s about 5 kilos of heroine in the glove box, and a sawed off AR-15 under my seat,” Tim politely informed the officer, “But please don’t open the trunk or the man I just kidnapped might escape.”

With that, the deputy pulled his service weapon and aimed it at Tim, “Sir, keep your hands where I can see them, get out of the vehicle and lay down on the ground!” Then he grabbed his radio handset and called for immediate backup.

It wasn’t even two minutes, and the sheriff was pulling up to the scene with lights and sirens. The deputy explained that there was a man in the trunk but when they opened it, the trunk was completely empty. Then the deputy explained that there were drugs in the glove box and a weapon under the driver’s seat, but a complete search of the car turned up nothing. They even gave Tim a roadside breathalyser that returned a solid zero point zero.

The deputy was a little bewildered when Tim took the sheriff off to the side and said, “That cop over there must be losing it! So far he’s tried to convince you I was drunk, armed, trafficking drugs, and was kidnapping people! What else is he gonna come up with? That I was speeding too?”

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Happily Ever Afterlife

ghostA woman lost her husband of 40 years but was determined not to let death keep them apart. She hired a highly gifted medium to conduct a seance. The medium did not disappoint, and the spirit of her departed husband appeared before them.

“Harold, are you happy?” she queried.

“I am finally at peace and very happy,” spoke the ghostly voice.

“Are you as happy as when you were with me on earth?” she inquired.

“I am even happier than when I was with you on earth,” the spectre revealed.

“It sounds amazing! Harold, can you tell me what heaven is like.”

“I couldn’t tell you,” the apparition remarked. “I was sent straight to Hell!”

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You Can Never Assume.

varsityA girl goes into the doctor’s office for a check-up. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red ”H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a check-up. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ”Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a check-up. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ”M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.

“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

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Getting Back in the Swing of Things

f2x0113

If Tyler is going to be playing soldier again, I’m going to need to add a few new characters. The characters I’ve created are completely fictional and do not represent any soldiers living or dead.

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A Pig Tale

piggyA guy went out to the country to visit a farm. In one of the pens, he sees a three legged pig. He asks the farmer why the pig has three legs.

The farmer replied, “Let me tell you about that pig. He’s a hero. Last year my house caught on fire, and that pig knocked down my door and dragged my unconscious body outside to safety.”

Impressed, the guy remarked, “Oh, that’s how he lost the leg, in the fire?”

The farmer said, “Oh no! When you have a good pig like that, you don’t want to eat him all at once.”

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Want to Buy a Baseball?

baseballA housewife was cheating on her husband while he is at work, but she was not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

As if making casual small talk, the boy says, “Dark in here.”

“Yes it is,” replied the man

“I have a baseball,” said the boy

Trying to ignore the kid, he muttered, “That’s nice.”

“Want to buy it?”

Annoyed, the man said, “No, thanks.”

In an almost melodic tone, the boy mentioned, “My dad’s outside.”

Realizing his situation, the man relented, “OK, how much?”

Without a hint of compassion, the boy said, “$250.”

A few weeks later, it happens again. The boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

“Dark in here,” said the boy.

“Yes, it is,” said the man.

“I have a baseball glove. Want to buy it?”

Not learning from the last time he said, “No, thanks.”

In a menacing voice the boy said, “I’ll tell.”

“How much?” the man sighed.

“$750.”

The man winced, “Fine.”

It was a few days later the father said to the boy, “Grab your glove. We’ll go outside and toss that baseball!”

The boy blurted, “I can’t. I sold them.”

The father asked, “How much did you sell them for?”

The son says, “$1,000,” and shows his father the money.

The father shouted, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that! That is way more than those two things are worth! I’m going to take you to church and you can tell the priest in confession!”

They go to church and the father alerted the priest and made the little boy sit in the confession booth before closing the door.

The boy said, “Dark in here.”

The priest said, “Don’t start that shit again.”

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Building a Fence

fenseTwo carpenters are building a fence. The older guys takes a break to wipe his brow and stretch, and notices the younger guy taking a nail out of the box, looking at it, and throwing it over his shoulder. He takes the next nail out, looks at it, and throws it over his shoulder. Takes the next nail out, looks at it, and hammers it into the fence. Takes the next nail out, looks at it, and tosses it away.

The older guy walks over and says, “Why are you throwing these nails out?”

“Can’t you tell?” asks the kid. “The heads are on the wrong ends!”

“You idiot!” the older guy yells. “Those are for the other side of the fence!”

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The LORD Will Protect Me

floodThe mighty Mississippi was at it again, and Shamus had found religion. As he sat calmly on the porch of his now river-side house, some men floated by in a boat and said, “Come on Shamus! Get in the boat! We’ll take you to safety!”

“You boys jest be movin’ on,” said ol’ Shamus. “The LORD will protect me.”

As the waters rose, Shamus ascended to his upstairs bedroom. Again, another rescue boat drifted by and saw him looking out his window. “We’re here to rescue you,” they shouted at Shamus. “Climb out your window and into the boat, and we’ll take you to safety!”

But Shamus wasn’t moved. “I’m stayin’ put,” ol’ Shamus snorted. “The LORD will protect me!”

As time went on, the waters rose higher and Shamus had made his way onto his roof. The helicopter descended from above and dropped a rope. Over the loudspeaker they instructed, “Tie this rope around you. We’ll take you to safety!”

Shamus shouted back with all his might, “Leave me be! The LORD will protect me!!!”

And then the foundation of the house cracked, the structure collapsed, and Shamus was drown in the currents.

As his soul approached the pearly gates he saw St. Peter before him. He was a little sad and confused, “I’ve been a good Christian. I was sure the LORD would protect me.”

“What were you expecting? He sent you two boats and a helicopter,” scolded St. Peter.

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Be Careful What You Wish For…

lampA man was walking on the beach one day and he found an old lamp half buried in the sand. He decided to rub the side of it. Inside was a genie. The genie emerged and said, “I will grant you three wishes, and three wishes only.”

The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 10 million dollars!”

POOF! Several satchels of money were surrounding him.

Next he wished for a red Ferrari.

POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him.

Then he made his final wish, “I wish I was irresistible to women.”

POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

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The Mysterious Ailment

doctorA blonde went to the doctor with a complaint that she hurt all over. “It hurts when I touch my breast, my elbow, my stomach, my thigh… I just hurt everywhere,” she whined.

“It’s no wonder,” said the doctor. “You have a broken finger.”

 

 

 

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The Blonde Painter

paintThe blonde wanted to show her husband that she wasn’t a complete ditz. While her husband was off at work, she decided that she would paint a couple of rooms in the house.

When her husband came home he walked into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He noticed that she was wearing both a parka and a fur.

“Are you OK?” he asked.

She said, “Of course”.

Then he asked her what she was doing.

She replied, “I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are incompetent imbeciles by showing you how well I painted a couple of rooms in our house.”

He then asked her about the fur coat over a parka.

She said matter of factly, “I was reading the directions on the paint can and they clearly said…

“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”

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Suicide Blonde

gun2A Blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.

“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the Blonde replied.

“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?”

“No, silly!” the Blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”

“So, then?” asked the doctor.

“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”

“So, then?”

“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

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The Appliance Store

applianceA dumb blonde walks into an appliance store looking for a new television. As she’s browsing down an aisle, the manager walks up and says, “May I help you?”

“Yes,” she says, “I need a new television. How much for that TV?”

The manager’s friendly tone suddenly dissolved with a heavy exhale. “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we don’t sell our merchandise to dumb blondes,” and he gestured towards the door.

Insulted the blonde walked out in a bit of a huff, but she had an idea. She went home and dyed her hair red. “That’ll show’em,” she thought.

The next day she went back to the appliance store and asked the manager again, ‘How much for that TV?”

The manager rolled his eyes, and said, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we don’t sell our merchandise to dumb blondes,” and he just walked off.

So the blonde goes home and dyes her hair jet black. The next day she was back at the appliance store asking about the TV again.

“Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we don’t sell our merchandise to dumb blondes,” said the manager.

The blonde replied, “My hair is jet black! What makes you think I’m a blonde?”

The manager retorted, “Because that’s a microwave, not a television.”

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The Flight To Huston

af1A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston, and I’m staying right here!”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston, and I’m staying right here!”

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won’t listen to reason. The pilot says “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde!”

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says “Oh, I’m sorry.” She gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

“I told her First Class isn’t going to Houston “

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