Bragging About Their Boys

Four old friends went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee while the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men were talking and started bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!”

The second man said, “My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a several dealerships. He’s so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded”.

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, “My son is a stockbroker, and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio”.

The fourth man came back and joined them on the tee. One of the others turned to him and mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?”

The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is a gay prostitute.” The other three men grew silent as he continued, “I’m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be doing well. His last three clients gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio”.

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Naughty Uncle Ted

A man came home early from work and heard strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s happening here?” he asked.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cried the woman.

He rushed back downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son came up and said, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet, and he’s got no clothes on!”

The man slammed the phone down and stormed upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and ripped open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there crouched his brother, totally naked, cowering in the closet.

“You rotten son of a bitch!” said the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

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Helping a Choking Victim

A couple of cowboys walked into the local bar to grab a  beer and wash the dust from their throats. They stood at the bar, drinking and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who was eating a sandwich, began to cough. It became apparent that she was in real distress.

One of the cowboys looked at her and said, “Kin ya swaller?”

The woman shakes her head no.

“Kin ya breathe?”

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The cowboy walked behind the woman, lifted up the back of her dress, pulled down her panties, and ran his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion.

The woman was so shocked, that she had a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she began to breathe again, the cowboy slowly walked back to the bar and took a drink from his beer.

His partner remarked, “Ya know, I’d heard of that there “Hind Lick” maneuver, but I ain’t never seen nobody do it!”

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Penis Tanning

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his pecker. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand leaving his willie sticking up. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing a cock sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, “There’s no justice in this world.”
The other lady asked what she meant.
She said, “When I was 20, I was curious about it.
“When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
“When I was 40, I asked for it.
“When I was 50, I paid for it.
“When I was 60, I prayed for it.
“When I was 70, I forgot about it.
“Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I”m to old to squat.”

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Birthing in the Back Hills

It was a long time back in the deep woods of East Tennessee, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called out to assist in the delivery in there cabin. Since they had no electricity out there, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.”

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world, but the doctor said “Whoa there! Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. There’s another one coming.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby boy.

“Now hold that lantern up high! There’s yet another one!” said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby, this time a little girl.

“Keep that lantern right where it’s at. It seems there’s a fourth one coming!” cried the doctor.

The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and said, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’em, Doc?”

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The Art of Packing

Brad was frequently hanging out at the local beach, but he just couldn’t make it with any of the girls. One day he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.

“Dude, it’s obvious,” says the lifeguard, “you’re wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. You need to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos  about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato inside ‘em. I’m telling you man… You’ll have all the babes you want!”

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his spanking new Speedos. It wasn’t long before he realized something wasn’t right. Everybody on the beach was totally disgusted as he walked by. They covered their faces, turned away, and laughed.

Brad went back to the lifeguard again and asked, “What happened? Why is everyone so disgusted?”

“Oh Jeezus!!” exclaimed the lifeguard “The potato goes in front!!”

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Aging Memories

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?

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The Crotchless Panties

After 25 years of marriage, a husband and wife found their sex life to be lacking. One day, the wife was shopping downtown when she walked by a lingerie shop. She went inside and noticed a sexy pair of crotchless panties for sale. She figured that if anything could spice things up, that would be it. She bought them and hurried home.

She had it all planned out, when her husband would come home from work he would find her waiting for him on the couch wearing nothing but her new panties.

Just as scheduled, she heard keys jingling in the door. and on cue spread her legs. Her husband glanced over at her as he walked in, but said nothing.

“How was your day?” she asked.

“Fine,” he answered blankly.

In a sultry voice she said, “Don’t you want some of this?”

He rolled his eyes and said, “Not if that’s what it does to your panties.”

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I Fucked Your Mom

A group of guys were drinking in a bar when an older drunken man staggers in. He ambled over and pointed at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Did you know your mom’s the best fuck in town?!”

Some of the patrons in the bar expected a fight, but the man sitting with his friends ignored the comment.

The drunk scoffed as he wandered off and bellied up to the bar at the far end. It wasn’t  ten minutes later, the drunk came back, pointed at the same guy, and says, “I fucked your mom, and she was so fine!”

Again the guy refused to take the bait, and the drunk went back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he came back and announced, “Your momma liked it, boy!”

Finally the guy stood up and said, “Go home, Dad. You’re drunk!”

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Flying a Kite

A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.

Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down.

This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, “You need more tail!”

The father yelled back, “Fuck You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail, and you told me to go fly a kite!”

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Another Magic Lamp Joke

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please.”

And the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reaches  into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man.

“Same for me,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

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Wives and Strip Clubs Don’t Mix

Dave works hard at the plant, and it seems he spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so  for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser.

His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, “You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink Budweiser.”

“No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. “Hi Davey,” she says, “Want your usual table dance?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!”

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Lady at the Bar

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, “Hi there good looking, how’s it going?”

Having already had a few power pops, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen! I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it.”

He says, “No kidding, I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”

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Screw or Swim

Dave walks into a bar and sees Norman sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, “Norman, what are you So happy for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing’ my boat, just waxing my boat, and a redhead came up to me…boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here! She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said “It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Dave. She couldn’t swim!”

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees Norman sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, “What are you happy about today Norman?”

“Well Dave… I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing’ my boat, just waxing’ my boat and a beautiful blond came up to me…boobies out to here Dave. Boobies out to here! She said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I told her ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Dave! She couldn’t swim!”

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees Norman down there crying’ over a beer. Dave says, “Norman, what are you so sad for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya….Yesterday I was out waxing’ my boat, just waxing’ my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me..boobies WAY out to here, Dave. Boobies WAY out to here. She says, “Can I have a ride in your boat?” So I said, “Sure you can have a ride in my boat.” So I took her way out, Dave, Way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and Looked at her boobies and said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She pulled down Her pants and she had a pecker, Dave! She had this GREAT BIG PECKER! And I can’t swim Dave! I CAN’T SWIM MAN!

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