The Chicken Farmer

chickA city boy moves to the country and decides he’s going to start farming. He goes to a local hatchery and tells the owner, “Give me 100 baby chickens.”

A week later he returns and says, “Give me 200 baby chickens.”

Again, a week later young man returns. This time he says, “Give me 500 baby chickens.”

“Wow!” the hatchery owner replies. “You must be doing really well.”

“Not really,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

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The Ironing Incident

ironOne day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged. When his boss asked him what happened, he explained, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”

“Well,” the boss said, “that explains one ear, but what about the other?”

“They called back!”

 

 

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The New York Turtle

turtleA turtle was walking down the alley in New York City when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate the incident and asked the turtle if he could describe his assailants and give his account of what happened.

The poor turtle with a confused look on his face replied, “I don’t know, Detective, it all happened so fast!”

 

 

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A Brainy Joke

brainA brain and a pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The brain says, “Can I get a couple of beers from me and my friend here?”

The bartender says, “There’s no way I’m going to serve you.”

“Why not?” asked the brain.

The bartender explained, “Well, you’re clearly out of your head, and your friend looks like he’s about to start something.”

 

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Doggone Sad

dogWith a heavy heart, Marshal knocked on his redneck neighbor’s door. Bubba answered the door in his dirty wife-beater, “What the hell do you want?”

“Well, Bubba,” Marshal began, “Your dog just jumped the fence into my back yard again…”

“What of it?” Bubba remarked while scratching himself.

“I hate to have to tell you this,” Marshal casually explained, “but my dog just killed your dog.”

Bubba was almost dumbstruck, but chuckled and said, “How the hell could your Chihuahua have killed my Rottweiler?”

Marshal continued, “Apparently my dog got lodged in your dog’s throat when he tried to eat him, and he choked.”

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The Prostate Exam

doctorTwo men were having lunch together as one says to the other, “I’m so embarrassed. I got a raging erection during a prostate exam today.”

“That’s not so bad. These things happen,” his friend responds.

“Yeah, well precum was definitely dripping out,” the first continued.

“It happens all the time,” said the friend.

“I had to bite my lip to keep from moaning, and I was getting really close to shooting my load.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself. Lots of guys experience this sort of thing. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Yeah, but what if my patient had noticed?” replied the doctor.

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Pedos in the Park

benchTwo pedophiles are sitting on a park bench discussing their propensities. The first one says, “I like’em  real young, ya know?”

“Oh me too,” said the second, “The younger the better.”

Just then a six year old girl merrily skips on by.

“Whoa! Check out the body on that one,” said the first.

To which the other replied, “Yeah, I bet she was really something in her day.”

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Last Rights

lexusA 12 year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection.

A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who’s lying on the ground in a pool of blood.

She gently cradles the boy’s head in her arms and whispers, “Do you need a priest?”

The boy moans, “How you can think of sex at a time like this?”

 

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Burying a Goldfish

deadfishLittle Suzy was in the back yard filling in a large hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Curious about the little girl’s activity, he politely asked, “What are you doing, Suzy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied a tearful Suzy, “and I just finished burying him.”

The neighbor asked, “Isn’t that an awfully big plot for a goldfish?”

Suzy patted down the last heap of dirt and replied, “That’s because he’s still inside your cat.”

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The Costume Party

pantsTyler had been struggling to come up with an idea for a fancy dress party he’d been invited to. It only made matters worse that he didn’t have any money to actually buy a costume. Finally he came up with an idea.

When the host answered the door, Tyler was standing there with no shirt, shoes, or even socks. “What the hell, Tyler? You were supposed be in a costume,” said the host.

“This is my costume,” said Tyler.

“Then what the heck are you supposed to be?”

“I’m a premature ejaculation,” said Tyler. “I just came in my pants.”

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Adverse Affects of Viagra

viagraA woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?”

He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”

Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the café and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?”

Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

“Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking starving!”

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Horny Background Music

trumpetA trumpet player was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to an older couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, bondage, sado masochism, and at one point even a dog came in a started humping everyone on screen.

After a while, the embarrassed trumpeter turned to the couple and said, “I wouldn’t normally go to a movie like this, but I was the musician they hired. I’m only here to to see how the music turned out.”

“I know how you feel,” replied the elderly man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”

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Jesus Is Watching You

parrotA burglar broke into a house (as most burglars do) and proceeded to rifle through the belongings of the owner, looking for something valuable to steal. Suddenly he heard a creaky voice speak: “Jesus is watching you.”

He looked around but saw no one. He continued his looting spree and again the voice said, “Jesus is watching you.”

The burglar spun around and came face to face with a parrot on its perch. “Did you say that?” asked the burglar.

“Yes, and Jesus is watching you,” said the parrot.

The burglar chuckled and asked, “So what’s your name, little guy?”

“Clarence,” spoke the bird.

“That’s a silly name for a parrot. Who named you that?” asked the thief.

“The same guy who named the rottweiler Jesus,” remarked Clarence.

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The Perfect St. Patrick’s Day Hangover

beerA husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover after St. Paddy’s day. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up in bed and sees his clothing on the dresser beside him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!”

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. You puked in the hall and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door”.

Confused, the man asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean with breakfast on the table waiting for me? I would have expected a big argument with her!”

His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes off, you said, ‘Leave me alone, lady! I’m a happily married man!'”

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