Try The Soup

soupAn old man comes into a restaurant, sits at his usual table, and orders his usual soup.

The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there.

“Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks.

“I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.

“Is it too hot?” the waiter asks.

“No.”

“Too cold?”

“No.”

“Too salty?”

“No.”

The waiter calls for the chef, and he goes through the same routine: “Too hot?” “Too cold?”, but the old man replied, “No, no, no!”

Finally the chief, at his wits end, says, “Sir, I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?”

Says the old man: “A-ha!”

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Golfing with the Old Man

god-golfingJesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par three.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.

Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the ball onto the green, and putts for par.

The old man is up. He drives the ball and it’s heading for the water trap. Before the ball lands in the water, a fish jumps out and catches the ball in its mouth. Before the fish lands back in the water, a bird swoops down, snags the fish, and begins to fly away. As it’s circling over the green, a bolt of lighting strikes the bird, causing it to drop the fish onto the green. The ball pops out of the fish’s mouth, and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus turns to the old man and says, “Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we’re not gonna bring you next time.”

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What’s My Lion Anyway?

lionA hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.

He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

It just goes to show you that even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

 

 

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Turn Yourself White

blackTwo black guys were walking down the street when they saw a sign out in front of a building building:

“Turn yourself white! Only 99¢!”

So they stop and check their money situation. Jamal says, “I gots a me a buck even. Fo’ quotas.”

Tyrone pulls the change out of his pocket and says, “All I gots is 98¢, but here’s whats we do. You go in, get yourself made into a honky, and then come out and gimme the penny so I can get it too.”

“OK,” says Jamal.

So Jamal walks inside, and about 15 minutes later comes back out white as can be.

Tyrone says to him, “Ok, now gimme that penny so I can be white too.”

Jamal replies, “Fuck off and get a job, nigger!”

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The Redneck’s Prostitute

redneckA redneck was walking home late at night and noticed a woman lurking in the shadows.

“I can give you a good time for five dollars”, she called out.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but what the heck, its only five bucks, so he took her around behind the bushes. It had only been a few minutes when all of a sudden a light flashed on them. It was a police officer.

“What’s going on here?”, demanded the officer.

Bubba was startled, and he cried out, “I’m making out with my wife!”

“Oh, I’m sorry”, said the cop, “I didn’t know she was your wife.”

Bubba said, “Well, neither did I, till ya shined that light in her face.”

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The Plane Is Going Down

mexicanA Russian, a Mexican, and an American were taking a small charter flight over the Atlantic. Without warning the pilot comes back from the cockpit and tells them that the plane is having engine trouble and they’re losing altitude. “If we don’t lose weight quickly, we’re going to crash into the ocean!”

The Russian pulls a tarp off a large palette of Russian vodka. He says, “We have plenty of this Vodka back in mother Russia,” as he shoves it out the cargo bay.

The pilot comes back and shouts, “It’s not enough, we’re still losing altitude!”

The Mexican pulls the tarp off a large crate containing the finest tequila. “We have plenty of tequila back in Mexico,” he says as he shoves it out of the cargo bay.

It wasn’t long and the pilot shouts back, “We’re doing better, but we still need to lose a little more weight or we’ll crash!”

Without hesitation, the American grabs the Mexican and throws him out the door, and says, “We have plenty of Hispanics back in the States.”

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Arabian Ailment

arabYusef came to the United States from Saudi Arabia, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to Doctor after Doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab Doctor. The Doctor said, “Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.”

Yusef took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the Doctor he said, “It worked. I feel terrific! What was it?”

The Doctor said, “You were homesick.”

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The Exchange Rate

asianAn Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and the clerk exchanged it for $72

The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, “Fluctuations.”

The Asian man began to storm out, while turning around and shouting, “Fluc you Americans, too!”

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Presidents’ Day

presidentsThe next day in class, the teacher stood before the class room and said, “Next month is February, students, and on the third Monday of every February, we celebrate Presidents’ Day. Can anyone tell me why we celebrate Presidents’ Day?”

There was a moment of thoughtful silence from the class before Suzy raised her hand.

“Oh good,” thought the teacher, “surely Suzy will know why we celebrate Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays.”

Suzy paused for a moment and started out slowly, “Presidents’ Day is when President Obama walks out the front door of the White House, and if he sees his shadow it means we have one more year of unemployment.”

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The President Visits an Elementary School

schooldeskPresident Obama was visiting an elementary school class. Standing before the students, one bright little girl spoke up and asked, “What kind of questions should we ask?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles.

“OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you another question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know shit?”

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Voice Recognition Radio

lexusPatricia had just bought her brand new Luxury Lexus convertible and was driving down the street when she realized should could not get the radio to work. She drove back to the dealer for help. “Madam,” said the sales manager, “the audio system in this model is completely automatic voice recognition. All you need to do is to tell it what you want to listen to, and it will immediately start to play exactly what you asked for.”

Patricia blinked her eyes with a smile and spoke clearly at the dashboard, “Rock and Roll”. There was a pleasant ding, and Bruce Springsteen started playing is the most with the most amazing sound quality she ever heard. “Classical!” she exclaimed, and after a polite ding was the finest symphony she’d ever heard. “Country!” she said, and the music flowed with Toby Keith.

Patricia was thrilled with her previously undiscovered feature, thanked the manager and drove off the lot. No sooner than a mile down the road, a reckless driver cut her off and nearly crashed into her new car.

Without thinking she slammed on her brakes and shouted, “ASSHOLE!”

There was a pleasant ding, followed by the announcement, “We now bring you last night’s State of the Union Address from President Obama”.

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Making Very Happy People

af1President Obama, his wife Michelle, and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Air Force One from Chicago to Washington DC.

Oprah looked out the window and remarked, “You know, I could throw a thousand dollar bill out this window and make one person very happy.”

Michelle replied, “I could throw ten one-hundred dollar bills out this window and make ten people very happy.”

Barack, not to be outdone, said, “I could dump one-hundred ten dollar bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

The pilot, overhearing the conversation from the cockpit shouted back, “I could toss your three asses out the door and make 319 million people very happy.”

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Defective Stamps

obamastampThe Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it, but the Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1.The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

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How Cigarettes Can Lead to Infidelity

cigarettesOne evening Marge asked her husband to go to the store for cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed. He figured he could go into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar a beautiful woman starts flirting with him. They had a couple of beers and one thing lead to another. Eventually they ended up in her apartment.

After the man sobered up a little, he realized its 3AM. “Oh no! My wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?”

As luck would have it, she did, and he proceeded to shake it generously onto his hands, and quickly left.

When he got home, his wife was still up, and very pissed, “Where the hell have you been?!”

“Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”

“Oh yeah?” said Marge. “Let me see your hands!”

He reluctantly held out his hands.

She took one look at them and shouted, “You God damn liar! You went bowling again!”

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