Bass Note Bracelet

A lady walked into a fancy jewelry store. She browsed around, spotted a beautiful diamond bracelet and walked over to inspect it.

As she bent over to look more closely she inadvertently broke wind. Very embarrassed, she looked around nervously to see if anyone had noticed her little accident and prayed that a sales person wasn’t nearby.

As she turned around, her worst nightmare materialized in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greeted the lady with, “Good day, Madam How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little accident, she asked, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answered, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit when I tell you the price.”

Bass Note Bracelet
9 (90%) 2 votes

Endearing Terms

A guy was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner. His buddy, an elderly gentleman, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 60 years.

While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.”

His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.”

Endearing Terms
7 (70%) 2 votes

The Sunday School Teacher

After the Sunday services, the man approached the lovely young Sunday school teacher and asked, “How about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?”

“Why Yes, that would be nice,” the lady responded.

That Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant. When they sat down, the man suggested, “Would you like a cocktail before dinner?”

“Oh, no,” said the woman, “What ever would I tell my Sunday school class?”

The man felt a little humbled by the remark, but they went on to have a lovely dinner. After dinner he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, “Would you care for a cigarette?”

“Oh my goodness no!” exclaimed the woman. “I couldn’t face my Sunday School class if I did”

Again the man felt a tinge of shame for tempting the Sunday school teacher.

A while later he was driving the lady home and passed by the local motel. He’d been morally rebuffed twice already and figured he had nothing to lose. He ventured forth with, “how would you like to stop at this motel?”

“Sure, that would be nice,” she said with anticipation.

The man couldn’t believe his ears. He spun the car around, pulled into a parking space in front of a room, and checked in.

The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the two woke up in each other’s arms. The man looked into her eyes and asked, “What ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”

The lady gave him a lecherously tempting smile and said, “The same thing I always tell them: ‘You don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'”

The Sunday School Teacher
10 (100%) 2 votes

Getting a Sample

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office and while there the Doctor asked for a sperm count. He gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this – First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn’t get the jar open.”

Getting a Sample
10 (100%) 1 vote

Mildred’s Heart Condition

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Millard’s mother to pass away first.

Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage, so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all those years.

However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.

Chester was sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detected a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she was shy he sent her off to the bathroom to get undressed.

When she reappeared in her silk satin nightie, he got her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulled the first strap on her nightie.

She blushed just as red as her silk satin nightie, but she was still apprehensive about explaining her heart condition.

Meanwhile Chester was looking at the first breast he had seen since his own mother’s. It was hanging there down to her belly button! Apparently gravity took it’s toll over some sixty years. He noted her anxiety but figured she was just nervous about her first time.

He then pulled the second strap and saw the second breast unroll downward before him.

Poor Mildred was beside herself. She had to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she said, “Chester I have acute angina.”

Chester replied, “I sure hope so. Cuz you’ve shore got ugly tits.”

Mildred’s Heart Condition
4 (40%) 1 vote