A lumberjack went to the owner of a logging company and applied for a job, claiming to be one of the best loggers in the business.

The owner said, “Okay, show me what you can do. Chop down that redwood over there.”

The lumberjack got to work right away, and in less than five minutes he was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, “How did you chop that tree down so fast?”

The lumberjack said, “I had a lot of practice in the Sahara.”

The owner remarked, “What are talking about? There aren’t even any trees in the Sahara!”

“Well no,” said the lumberjack. “Not anymore.”

John went to interview for a job with the county.

The interviewer asked, “Are you allergic to anything?”

“Yes,” John replied. “Caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“I see,” remarked the interviewer. “Well then, have you ever been in the military service before?”

“Yes,” John explained. “I was in Iraq for one tour.”

The interviewer noted, “That will give you 5 extra points towards employment. By the way, were you disabled in any way?”

John said, “Yes, a bomb exploded near me, and I lost both of my testicles.”

Upon hearing this, the interviewer grimaced and said “I’m sorry to hear that, but the good news is that you have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm, but tell you what: You can start tomorrow at 10 am, and just plan on starting at 10 am every day.”

John was a bit dismayed by the unusual preferential treatment and remarked, “If the hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, then I want to do my part and come to work at the regular time.”

“I didn’t mean to offend you,” explained the interviewer. “You see, this is a government job. For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. I just didn’t see any point in you coming in for that.”

A little guy got on a plane and sat next to a window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, hulk of a guy plopped down next to him and immediately fell asleep.

After the plane took off, the little guy started to feel airsick, but didn’t want to wake the big guy to ask if he could let him out to go to the bathroom.

Suddenly, the plane hit an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passed through the little guy. He could not hold it any longer and hurled all over the big guy’s chest.

The big guy woke up and looked down to see the vomit all over him.

Without hesitation, the little guy asked, “Are you feeling any better now?”

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and hit his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable, and he shouted, “Jesus Christ!”

Joseph said, “Write that down, Mary! I like that name a lot better than Clyde!”

Tom was cleaning out the attic of the house he just moved into when he found a ticket from a local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was well over twenty years old.

Being curious, Tom took the ticket to the shoe repair shop. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to an older gentleman behind the counter.

The man behind the counter said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these,” as he disappeared into the back. A couple minutes later the man called out, “Here they are!”

Tom could hardly believe it!

The man came back to the counter, handed Tom the ticket, and said, “They’ll be ready next Thursday.”

After successfully swaying Congress to add certain line items to the budget, two lobbyists when out to lunch to celebrate.

One of them remarked, “It’s shame my great-grandchildren haven’t been born yet.”

“Why is that?” asked his colleague.

The lobbyist explained, “So they can see how the government is spending their money!”

It was the couple’s first child, and the mother had just given birth to a beautiful baby boy at the hospital.

As the new family headed out the hospital door, the father turned to asked the nurse, “What time should we wake the little guy in the morning?”

Moshe was a holocaust survivor who finally died of old age. When he got to heaven he was able to meet God, and the two of them had a nice long conversation.

At one point Moshe said, “Hey, I have a joke about the holocaust,” and then proceeded to tell it to God.

God listened to the joke and remarked, “You know, I don’t find that joke to be very funny.”

Moshe replied, “Well, I guess you had to be there.”