Naughty Uncle Ted

A man came home early from work and heard strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s happening here?” he asked.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cried the woman.
He rushed back downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son came up and said, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet, and he’s got no clothes on!”
The man slammed the phone down and stormed upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and ripped open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there crouched his brother, totally naked, cowering in the closet.
“You rotten son of a bitch!” said the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

Helping a Choking Victim

A couple of cowboys walked into the local bar to grab a  beer and wash the dust from their throats. They stood at the bar, drinking and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who was eating a sandwich, began to cough. It became apparent that she was in real distress.
One of the cowboys looked at her and said, “Kin ya swaller?”
The woman shakes her head no.
“Kin ya breathe?”
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The cowboy walked behind the woman, lifted up the back of her dress, pulled down her panties, and ran his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion.
The woman was so shocked, that she had a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she began to breathe again, the cowboy slowly walked back to the bar and took a drink from his beer.
His partner remarked, “Ya know, I’d heard of that there “Hind Lick” maneuver, but I ain’t never seen nobody do it!”

Penis Tanning

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his pecker. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand leaving his willie sticking up. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing a cock sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, “There’s no justice in this world.”
The other lady asked what she meant.
She said, “When I was 20, I was curious about it.
“When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
“When I was 40, I asked for it.
“When I was 50, I paid for it.
“When I was 60, I prayed for it.
“When I was 70, I forgot about it.
“Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I”m to old to squat.”

Birthing in the Back Hills

It was a long time back in the deep woods of East Tennessee, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called out to assist in the delivery in there cabin. Since they had no electricity out there, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.”
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world, but the doctor said “Whoa there! Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. There’s another one coming.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby boy.
“Now hold that lantern up high! There’s yet another one!” said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby, this time a little girl.
“Keep that lantern right where it’s at. It seems there’s a fourth one coming!” cried the doctor.
The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and said, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’em, Doc?”

The Art of Packing

Brad was frequently hanging out at the local beach, but he just couldn’t make it with any of the girls. One day he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.
“Dude, it’s obvious,” says the lifeguard, “you’re wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. You need to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos  about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato inside ’em. I’m telling you man… You’ll have all the babes you want!”
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his spanking new Speedos. It wasn’t long before he realized something wasn’t right. Everybody on the beach was totally disgusted as he walked by. They covered their faces, turned away, and laughed.
Brad went back to the lifeguard again and asked, “What happened? Why is everyone so disgusted?”
“Oh Jeezus!!” exclaimed the lifeguard “The potato goes in front!!”