Suzy came in from playing outside and went up to sit on her grandfather’s lap. “Grandpa,” said, little Suzy, “will you make some frog sounds for me?”
Puzzled by this request, her grandfather asked, “Why?”
“Because,” explained Suzy, “Daddy says that when you croak, we’re all going to Disneyland!”

There was a lady in her 90’s who became a bit of local celebrity since she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions about what it was like to be newlywed in her 90’s.
“This isn’t my first husband, so it’s not much different than the others,” she replied with a smile.
“Oh? How many husbands have you had?” the interviewer inquired.
“This one will be my fourth,” she replied. “I was married in my 20’s to a banker, then my 40’s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher.”
“What does your current husband do?”
“Oh he’s a funeral director.”
The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.
“It always made sense to me,” she replied. “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was recklessly speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say,…”
“And I said keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Not likely,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.
What’s the difference between a black man and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
What’s the worse part about being a black Jew?
You have to sit at the back of the oven.

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He pleads to the operator, “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line and says, “OK, now what?”

A nice, calm and respectable woman went into a pharmacy, looked the pharmacist straight in his eyes and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The woman replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord, have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! My license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! No! You cannot have any cyanide!”
The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and calmly replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

A guy runs into a stunning hooker in a bar. After the initial ice breaker and small talk she says, “This is your lucky night. I’m running a special. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.”
The guy thinks it over and says to himself, “Hey, why not?”
He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and lays three hundred-dollar bills one at a time on the bar as he slowly says, “Paint… my… house.”
This one is kind of fun for me as it’s actually costing me $3500 to get my house painted right now.

Four nuns were in a car crash and died. They went to the Pearly Gates and stood before St. Peter.
He said: “Before I let you into heaven, I have to make sure you’re pure. Have any of you had anything to do with a man’s private parts?”
The first said: “I saw a penis once.”
Peter replied: “Wash your eyes with the holy water from the fount and then you can enter heaven.”
The second said: “I touched a man’s penis once.”
Peter replied: “Wash your hands in the fount and then you can enter heaven.”
Just then the fourth cuts in front of the third. Peter asked “what are you doing?”
She replied: “If I have to gargle with that water, I’m going to do it before Sister Ruth sits in it.”