A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”
Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds, Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!”

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”
“Huh,” the younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did. “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the elder doc said, “Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”
“Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.

He takes off his shirt and the woman says, “What a great chest you have.”

The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of pure dynamite!”

He takes off his pants and the woman says, “What massive calves you have.”

The body builder tells her, “That’s another 100 lbs. of pure dynamite.”

He then removes his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment.

The woman replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was.

One day, Little Johnny’s teacher, Miss Buzbat asked the class “children, if you know the answer, please raise your hand! Tell me things you can suck!”
“Ice cream, ma’am!” Little Mary answered.
“Good, Jane.” Miss Buzbat said, “Anyone else?”.
“How about a lollipop!” said Steven.
“Very good, now it’s your turn Johnny!”, the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, “A lamp!”.
The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny’s answer. Then the teacher asked him, “Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?”
“Well, last night when I passed my parents’ bedroom”, Little Johnny answered, “I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it.”

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they’ll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, “NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!”

Ethel thinks her husband is starting to go deaf so she decides to test her theory. She stands about 30 feet way and calls to her husband, “Marvin!”
There was no response.
She then stands 20 feet away and calls out to him again, “Hey Marvin!”
She is surprised that he still doesn’t hear her call.
Ethel tries again, and this time from 10 feet away, “Marvin!”
Marvin turns around and says, “And for the 3rd time Ethel, what do you want!?”

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits. Soon he noticed a lion in the distance running towards him with a hungry look in his eye.
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, the dog immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the lion was about to leap, the old dog exclaimed, “That was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?” Upon hearing this, the young lion stopped mid-stride and hurried to safety in the trees.
A squirrel who had been watching from a nearby tree, knew the dog’s tricks and decided to trade his knowledge for protection from the lion. Catching up with the lion, he explained what happened and struck a deal. The young lion was furious at being made a fool of and said, “Hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
The old dog spied the lion coming with the squirrel on his back. Instead of running, he sat down with his back to the pair, pretending he hadn’t seen them yet. When they got close enough to hear, the old dog said, “Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!”

An American, an Englishman, and a Frenchman found themselves stranded along a rural country road. They traveled together walking down the road. As it was starting to get dark, they saw a farmhouse. They went to the front door and knocked, hoping the kind farmer would grant them shelter for the night.
“Well, I only got room for  two of you,” explained the farmer. “One of you will have to sleep in the barn with my pigs.”
The three travelers looked at each other and the American nodded to indicate that he would be the one to sleep with the pigs.
As everyone snuggled down for the night, it wasn’t even half and hour, and the American was knocking on the door. “Please! Will someone trade with me! I tried, but the stench and the noise were too much!”
The Englishmen took pity and said, “All right, I’ll sleep with the pigs.”
But it wasn’t a half hour later and there was a knock at the door. The poor Englishman was in tears from the horrid smell and begging for someone to trade with him.
The Frenchman shrugged his shoulders and headed for the barn.
Yet again, it hadn’t been even a half hour, and the knock came at the door.
It was the pigs!

Two men were having lunch together when one says to the other, “I made the worst Freudian slip the other day. I was trying to buy train tickets from this beautiful female conductor. She had these really huge breasts, so I meant to say ‘I would like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, but instead I said, ‘I would like two pickets to Titsburgh.'”
The other man says, “I got a better one. I was having dinner with my wife the other night, and I meant to say, ‘please pass the salt,’ but instead I said, ‘you miserable bitch, you ruined my life.'”
 

Oh, BTW… The house is finished, and that means I’m back to posting jokes on the weekdays again. Don’t expect a whole lot while I get back into the swing of things.