A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your husband’s face while you are having sex?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“Well, how did he look?”
“Very angry.”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere, and he said, “Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband’s face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?”
“He was looking through the window at us.”

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
“I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home — but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t ever happen again.”
Bob, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife dead.
A few moments later, a second text came in, “Damn Auto spell!! Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to your WiFi, not wife.”

Jim and Fred are at the local pub discussing the respective sex lives.
“Well,” says Fred, “truth be known, I’m just bored with screwing the same hole night after night after night. I guess I’m hankering’ for a bit of variety.”
Jim replied, “Well, if you want variety, why don’t you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?”
Fred says, “What? And have a house full of kids?”

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to the best looking girl in the place and starts looking at his watch.
The girl notices this and asks him if his date is late.
“No”, he replies, “I’ve just got this new state-of-the-art watch and I was just about to test it.”
“What does it do?” she asked.
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me.”
“What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
“Ha! Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!”
“Damn thing,” the guy says tapping the watch, “must be an hour fast.”

A married couple walks past a gorilla enclosure, at the Zoo.
Says the woman, “Mark, do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I will expose one of my breasts, and see how excited it gets, just as men do.”
Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.
See, says the woman, “Now, I know why you react the way you do. Men can’t control their animal instincts, just like gorillas can’t.”
Says Mark, “Now expose both breasts, and let’s see what happens.”
The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla. It gets very excited, and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.
Says Mark, “This is incredible!! Now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum, and let us see what happens!”
The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now, is extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman, and starts ripping the clothes off her.
The woman yells. “Mark, what do I do now? Help me!”
Mark replies, “Tell him you have a headache and you are not in the mood. Now let us see if gorillas and men are the same!”

Mike and Angie were sitting at the table reading the newspaper and periodicals at breakfast.
Angie laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in her magazine, which she then read aloud, “Did you know that a woman’s breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?”
Her husband, Mike shot back. “So, how come yours don’t?”
Without even pausing, Angie replied, “Because you’re not pumping hard enough.”

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, “Hello class, I’m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an “r” after the first letter.”
The entire class says, “Hello Mrs. Prussy.”
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, “I remember it has an “r” after the first letter.”
“That’s right!” she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, “Mrs. Crunt?”

Danny walks into a grocery store where he sees one of his closest friends, Bob. Bob approaches him with a sincere smile and greets Danny.
After a good conversation between the two men, Bob looks at Danny with affection and says: “Listen, Danny, you’re my best friend. I respect you a lot and would never do anything to hurt you, but I’ve got to let this off my chest. I think you deserve much better than Lola. I’m telling you this as a friend. Your wife is not exactly a conservative woman!”
Danny looks at Bob in bafflement and replies: “What do you mean?”
Bob looks him straight in the eyes and whispers in his ear: “Look around! Why do you think there are almost no men in this grocery store? As a true friend, I feel obliged to tell you this. Every time you go grocery shopping, there is a very long line-up at your front door!”
Danny, confused and puzzled asks : “What are you trying to say?”
Bob looks at him in sorrow and replies: “I hate to break this to you, my dear friend, but your wife is a money hungry whore! I think you should divorce her!”
Danny, startled by Bobs rude comment replies in a fury: “What kind of a friend are you? You must think I’m an Idiot! You want me to divorce her, so I’ll have to wait in line, too?”

Two old men in their 80’s were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The younger 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around the sales lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, “I want five loaves.”
She said, “Five loaves?! My Goodness! It’ll be hard before you even get to the 3rd loaf!”
He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this shit but me.”