A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex.
The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.
The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, “Man oh Man, I finally did it! I’m no longer a virgin.”
The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, “Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?”
“Well,” the guy explains, “I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity.”
Astounded, the girl replies, “So you really love me?”
“Oh God no!” the guy says. “I just got sick of waiting.”

A recently retired older man had just returned from the Social Security office with his first check.
His wife was curious as to how he got the check since he absentmindedly left the house without his wallet or any other form of ID.
The man replied, “I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hair on my chest and they took that as proof of my age.”
“Well get back down there and pull down your pants,” she squawked. “Then you can get disability too!”

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two pets apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds; rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain, unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet answered, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back, and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he’ll be able to withdraw.”
“Do you really think that will work?” she asked.
“Well, it just worked on me.” he replied.

Little Mary was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
“What are they doing, Grandma?” asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, “The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”
“They’re just like people, aren’t they Grandma?”
“How do you mean?” asked the Grandma.
“Offer someone a helping hand,” said Mary, “and they’ll screw you every time.”

A young man came into work looking a bit shopworn. His manager was rather displeased with the worker’s less than professional appearance.
“I’m sorry, boss,” said the young man. “It’s my girlfriend. She wants sex three to four times a day. I’m so exhausted, I just don’t know what to do!”
The manager’s furrowed brow softened with understanding, “For God’s sake marry her! That’ll put a stop to that shit real quick!”

There was a church meeting where the topic was “Burial or Cremation?”. Two of the people got rather worked up.
The first one said to the other, “If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!”
The other replied, “Well, I’m told that petroleum comes from fossilized remains, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!”

There was an adult bookstore that opened right next door to a church.
The church members were unhappy about that, so they prayed that the store would go away.
Sure enough the store burned to the ground.
The bookstore owner took the church to court, claiming they were at fault.
The judge after hearing the complaint said that she couldn’t comment on how the case would be settled, but she thought it amazing the 525 church members didn’t believe in the power of prayer, and one adult bookstore owner who did.

Tom was riding along in Larry’s new car. As Tom admired the new vehicle, he asked Larry about its features.
Larry listed the usual, then added, “It tells me to slow down as I approach the speed limit. It warns me when I have to stop. It also points out solid no-passing lines.”
Tom was impressed by these new features and asked to see them demonstrated.
“I would,” explained Larry, “but these features work only when my wife is in the car.”

After a few too many visits to the “Pleasure Parlor” Bill notices green lumps on his willy. So off he goes to the doctor.
The doctor explains “You know how wrestlers and rugby players get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says Bill, nodding seriously.
“Well” says the doctor, “You’ve got Brothel Sprouts.”