A boy comes home from college

He was a bright kid, and the first person from his small town to actually attend college. So when he came home, no expenses were spared.

The town threw a huge party in the center of town, with everyone cooking and bringing a dish. There was music, dancing, food, all to celebrate his return.

As the town sat down to eat, the boys father raises a toast. After he asks the boy,

“So, what did ya learn, out there at that fancy school o’ yours?”

“Well” says the son, “π r²”

All of a sudden, the father knocks his son to the ground.

“Dad what’s wrong!?!” The son says

The father, furious, says,

“You mean to tell me, that we spent all this money, you spent all that time, just to tell me Pie are square?!?!? We know that Pie are round!!!! Corn bread are square!!!”

“A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”
Rancher: “This dog don’t talk!”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doin alright”
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)”
Dog: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Rancher: “Horses don’t talk!”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it goin?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at rancher)
Horse: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?”
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)……
“Th-Th-Them sheep ain’t nothin but liars!!!””

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. When he touched it, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that she could deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, the man blurted out, “Turn the entire ocean into beer!” The genie clapped her hands and the entire sea turned into brew.

The other man looked in disgust at the one who made the wish and said, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

An armed masked man burst into a bank and yelled “EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!”

Terrified, the patrons and staff complied.

As the robber loaded up his sack with cash, his mask slipped off. He quickly pulled it back up and saw two guys who may have seen his face.

He pointed his gun at the first guy, “Did you see my face?”

“Yes”

BANG! He shot him dead on the spot.

The robber pointed his gun at the second guy, “Did you see my face?”

The second guy pointed to a woman sitting in the reception area, “No, but my mother in law did!”

The preacher liked to coordinate his message with the choir every Sunday.

One week the preacher said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of steadfastness in our service to God. What hymn should we sing?”

A member of the choir chimed in with, “I Shall Not Be Moved!”

The next week the preacher said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of tithes and gladness in giving to the Lord. What hymn should we sing?”

A different member of the choir called out, “Jesus Paid It All.”

The following week the preacher said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this week on the evils of fornication. What hymn should we sing?”

From the back row an older choir member sighed fondly, “Precious Memories.”

An accordion player stops at a convenience store to grab a six pack.

As he’s closing the car door he sees his accordion in the back seat and has a split thought that maybe he should put it in the trunk, but then thinks nah, he’s literally gonna be just 20 feet away for 2 minutes.

The guy’s in the shop for only 90 seconds, but as he’s coming out sees that his rear window has been smashed. He shouts “oh no, not again”!

He looks in the back seat, and sure enough, there’s three accordions.

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
“If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?” he asked.
“Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
“Go and get help!” he cried.
“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”
“Take my shoe”, he said, “and cover yourself.”
Holding the shoe over her p☆bes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!”
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, “There’s nothing I can do…he’s in too far.” 🤣🤣🤣🤣

A man and his wife were having hard financial times, so they decided she could make money as a prostitute. Being new and not quite sure what to do, she asked her husband what to do.

He explained, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you’ve got any questions, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

Not five minutes go by when a John pulled up and asked, “How much?”

“A hundred dollars,” the woman announced.

“Damn! All I’ve got is thirty,” the man sighed.

“Hold on,” said the woman, and she ran back to her husband. “What can he get for thirty dollars?”

“You can use your hand to jerk him off,” he replied.

She ran back and told the guy that all he could have for $30 was a hand job. He agreed, so she got in the car and unzipped his pants.

Out popped an incredibly large cock. It was the biggest she had ever seen. She stared at it for a minute, and said, “I’ll be right back.”

She ran back around the corner to her husband and said, “I need you to loan this guy 70 bucks!”

It was the first day of school, and the new first grade teacher was taking down the children’s names.

One boy spoke up and said, “My name is Johnny Fuchauer.” (F*ck-hour)

Miffed by the obvious fake name, the teacher retorted, “There’ll be none of that nonsense this year, Johnny! Now tell me your REAL name!”

The kid said, “No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuchauer. You can go across the hall to second grade and ask my brother if you don’t believe me!”

So the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the second grade classroom door. The second grade teacher had stepped out for a moment, so the first grade teacher entered the room and asked the class, “Do you have a Fuchauer in here?”

A kid in the front row replied, A fuck hour? Heck, we don’t even get a cookie break!”

A very tall man walks into a bar…and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. “What’s that for?” the lady questions. “Oh, I have this so that when I’m on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me.” Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. ‘What’s that ?’ the lady questions again. “Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.” Then the man drops his underwear and on his pe☆is he has a tattoo that says AIDS. The lady screams: “Don’t tell me you have AIDS!” The man replies: “No, no…!!! Calm down…!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣