A man accompanies his wife to the doctor.

After the wife’s check-up, the man ask the doctor what he found.

‟Your wife has acute vaginitis.”

‟I know that, doc, that’s why I married her. But what’s wrong with her?”

An avid golfer had never gotten to know a female well enough to have a steady relationship. As the years went by, he realized he’d probably never get married, since he sure wasn’t giving up golf.

As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in short order they grew very fond of each other. He kept asking himself: “Is this the one?”

One evening at a restaurant, he opened up to her. “As you have probably figured out, I’ve grown very fond of you, and have started to think about a future together”

She interrupted to say “I have been feeling the same was about us.”

He smiled at her and continued: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?”

“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course just about every day, every holiday, just every chance I get. I try to play 36 holes each day, but if the weather is good, I’ll try to pay even more.”

He finished with: “I thought you should know before we go any further.”

She pondered this for a moment and said, “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, “I’m a hooker.”

There is a long pause, and her heart was sinking with every second of protracted silence.

She watched him fidget with his hands, and still there is silence. She began to despair.

Finally, he picks his head and looks right at her: “That’s not really a problem. Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”

A German Shepherd, Labrador retriever and a cat died and went to heaven. All three sat before God who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German shepherd said, “I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master.”

Good,” said God. “Then sit down on my right side. Labrador, what do you believe in?

The Labrador answered, “I believe in the love, care and comforting of my master.

“Ah,” said God. “You may sit to my left.”

Then he looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”

The cat answered, “I believe you’re sitting on my seat.”

A man on a train gets up and moves to the doors. A conductor notices and says “Sorry sir, this train doesn’t stop at the next station on a Sunday night.” Seeing how disappointed he is, the conductor says “It does slow down going through the station though, perhaps there is a way I could help you if you like.”

So as the train slows down the conductor takes hold of the mans coat collar and lifts him out over the platform, “Start running in the air so you don’t fall over as you touch the ground.”

The man starts running in the air as the conductor lowers him and he has so much momentum as he hits the platform that he runs past his carriage and comes alongside the next one, the door of that carriage opens and a passenger reaches out, grabs his coat collar and lifts him inside, slamming the door, saying “You’re lucky there mate, this train doesn’t stop here on a Sunday night.”

A psychiatrist was doing his rounds in a mental hospital.

In the first room he saw a patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asked the patient what he was doing.

The patient said, “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player.”

The doctor remarked that was a good goal to have and moved to the second room where he saw a patient standing on his bed swinging an imaginary golf club.

The doctors asked him what he was doing and the patient replied, “I’m not going to be here forever. When I get better I want to be a golfer.”

The doctor said that it is good to have goals and moved on to the third room where he saw the patient standing on his bed pouring a bowl of cashews down his pants while performing pelvic thrusts.

The doctor asked, “hat the hell are you doing?”

The patient responded, “I’m never getting out of here! I’m fucking nuts!”

John had just gotten out of prison. All he had in his possession was a shoe lace and $10.00. While he was in prison, all he could think about was eating pussy. That is all he wanted to do when he finally got out.

Now that he was out and had some money, he went to the nearest whorehouse to fulfill his dream. He went up to the counter, slapped his $10.00 bill on the counter, and told the person, “I want to eat some pussy.”

The guy behind the counter looked at him, and said, “Dude, this is $10. I can’t get you anything for that. What year do you think it is?”

John grabbed the guy by the collar and started shaking him “I just got out of prison. Im going to eat some pussy if it’s the last thing I do.”

“Okay, okay….I think we can work something out,” the guy said.

He led John to the back of the whore house to the oldest, most used up worker in the place. “Well…this is what you get for $10.”

John didn’t care. He started going to town. While he was doing the deed, he felt something get stuck between his teeth. It was a Corn Flake. “Okayyyy,” he thought. He had corn flakes for breakfast, so not a big deal. He continued on his quest until he felt something else get stuck in his teeth. It was chipped beef. “Okay, this is really weird”, he thought. They sometimes served chipped beef in prison, but John hasn’t had it in weeks. He started to feel ill and said, “I think I’m going to throw up.”

The worker looked down at him and said, “That’s what the last guy said.”

A man walks down the street and suddenly notices his watch has stopped working.

He looks around looking for a watch shop nearby. At the end of the street he sees a small store with a big clock hanging outside and he goes over there. When he enteres the store, to his surprise he does not see a display of watches, but only a long counter, behind it sits a Jewish rabbi with a long white beard.

“Hello,” the man says, “Can you please check my watch, I think it broke down.”

“I’m sorry,” the seller says “I do not know anything about watches. I am a mohel. I perform circumcisions”.

“How nice,” the man answers “definitely important work.” He continues. “But if so, why did you hang a large clock outside your store?”

“Well,” replies the mohel “What do you expect me to hang out there?”

A chicken walked into a public library, marched up to the desk and said, “Bok, bok , bok, bok.”

So, the librarian handed the bird a book, the chicken accepted it and then left.

Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, threw the book on the desk and said, “Bok, bok, bok, bok.”

Once again the librarian handed the chicken a book, the chicken accepted it, and then left.

Ten minutes later, the chicken was back again! It marched up to the librarian, threw the book on the desk, then said, “Bok, bok, bok, bok.”

The librarian handed the chicken a third book, but this time decided to follow the bird. She watched the chicken hurry down the street and stop at a pond, where there was a frog sitting on a lily pad.

The chicken showed the book to the frog, but the frog just shook its head and said, “reddit, reddit, reddit”

The old man is beloved in his community and everyone is sad. He calls his family in and tells them “for my last wish, I want a license to practice law. I don’t care how much you have to spend or who you have to bribe but I can not die happy unless I have that license.”

They are very puzzled but are determined to carry out his last wish. It takes a couple of weeks but they bribe some officials and get someone to claim to be him and pass the bar exam. Finally the license arrives when he is on his deathbed.

He says “Now I can die happy knowing that some good will come of this, and my friends and family will not be sad, because now when I die there will be one less lawyer”

The forest animals decided that they didn’t like stepping on crap every day, so they got together and built an outhouse.

Everything was great and forest floor was much cleaner after that. But one day, they found out, that window on the outhouse was broken. So they held a meeting and asked if anybody knew anything about the broken window.

Sheepishly, the rabbit said, “I am a bit embarrassed, but last night I was using the outhouse, when the bear came in. He grabbed me, did his business, then he wiped his ass with me and threw me out the window.”

The animals reprimanded bear and made him fix the window, but after a couple of days the door was smashed. Another meeting was called and again asked if anybody knew anything about the broken door.

Sheepishly the fox said, “I am a bit embarrassed, but last night as I was using the outhouse, the bear came in. He did same thing with me as with rabbit a few days ago, but he threw me out through the door.”

So the animals again reprimanded the bear, made him repair the door, and explained as best as possible that this behavior will not be tolerated.

Then two days later, the whole outhouse was destroyed. It was completely smashed to pieces. Again a meeting was called and asked if anybody knew anything about it.

Sheepishly, the porcupine said, “I am a bit embarrassed…”