Jeff met his friend Doug at the bar after work and Doug was really upset.
“What’s wrong, pal?” asked Jeff. “You look kind of down.”
“I am. My wife said she wants to have sex in the back seat of the car,” said Doug.
“So what’s wrong with that?” remarked Jeff.
“Well,” sighed Doug, “she wants me to be the driver.”
The man was feeling a little frisky after working late one night at the office.
He went home and found his wife sound asleep in the bed with her mouth wide open. He went to the medicine cabinet, got two aspirin, and dropped them into her mouth.
She started to choke, but quickly recovered and demanded to know, “What did you put in my mouth?”
Nonchalantly he said, “Two aspirin.”
“BUT I DON’T HAVE A HEADACHE!” she shouted.
Moving in he said, “That’s all I wanted to hear.”
A man paid a visit to a psychiatrist and said, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The doctor asked, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” said the man.
“Really? Why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugged his shoulders and replied, “We needed the eggs.”
Timmy and Kenny were out hunting deer.
“Did you see that?” asked Timmy.
“No,” said Kenny.
Timmy remarked, “Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead.”
“Oh,” Kenny said with a nod.
A couple of minutes later, Timmy said, “Did you see that?”
“See what?” said Kenny.
“Are you blind?” said Timmy. “There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.”
“Oh,” said Kenny, now shaking his head.
A few minutes later Timmy once again said, “Did you see that?”
By now, Kenny was getting aggravated, so he said, “Yes, I did!”
Timmy looked at him and said, “Then why did you step in it?”
A Jewish congregation honored their retiring Rabbi for his 25 years of service by sending him on an all expenses paid vacation to Hawaii.
When he walked into his hotel room, he found a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.
She greeted with a sultry, “Hi, Rabbi! I’m a little something extra that the President of the Temple arranged for you.”
The Rabbi was incensed. He picked up the phone, called the President of the Temple and shouted, “Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you, and you have not heard the end of this.”
Upon hearing this, the naked woman got up and started to get dressed.
The Rabbi turned to her and snapped, “Where do you think you’re going? I’m not angry with you!”
The principal walked into the 4th grade class where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
Altogether they came up with about 40 names.
The principal scolded the class and told them that in his day students knew the names of every single state.
One child raised his hand and said, “Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.”
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 94 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
The woman became violent, and in the commotion she ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment where he fell to his death.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.
“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 94, if he could still screw, he could fly too!”
Father Michael wanted to raise money for his church, and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To everyone’s surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:
“FATHER MICHAEL’S ASS SHOWS”
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won, and the paper read:
“FATHER MICHAEL’S ASS OUT IN FRONT”
The Bishop was upset with this kind of publicity, and ordered Father Michael not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper’s headline read:
“BISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MICHAEL’S ASS”
The Bishop was furious, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. Father Michael decided to give it to one of the nuns in a nearby convent. The next day, the paper’s headline read:
“SISTER MARY HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN”
The Bishop nearly fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00, and the next day the headline read:
“SISTER MARY SELLS ASS FOR $10.00”
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. By now you probably can imagine what the headline in the paper read:
“SISTER MARY ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE”
