Category Archives: Jokes

While trying to get ahold of an associate over the phone, the caller was greeted by a child whispering, “Hello.”

“Is your Daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the man asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes.”

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the man asked, “Is anyone else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his associate’s home, the man asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the man asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the man, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.”

Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the man asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, ”Me!”

A cannibal walked into a meat market to buy something for dinner. When the cannibal began to inspect the meat case, he noticed the market specialized in brains. Upon further inspection, he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats.

It seemed that carpenter brains were going for $1.50 per pound, while plumber brains cost $2.25 per pound. The cannibal then noticed with alarm that politician brains were selling for $375.00 a pound.

With overwhelming curiosity, he asked the owner why the huge difference in the price of brains.

With a deadpan expression, the owner responded, “Do you have any idea how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?”

A teenager lost his contact lens while playing basketball in the driveway. After a brief but fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she had found the lens.

“I looked everywhere, how did you do that?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I, on the other hand, was looking for $150!”

A Swiss tourist was visiting Australia. He pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asked.

The two Aussies just stared at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tried.

The two continued to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing, and the the frustrated Swiss drove off in disgust.

The one Aussie turned to the other and said, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” said the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Bonus:

How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him down a hill.

An inventive young fellow had created a new bicycle design and wanted to test its stability at high speeds. He asked a friend, who owned a Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of the car to test his new design. His friend said, “Sure.”

So the young man tied the bike to the back of the car and instructed his friend, “I’ll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down.”

With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well as the vehicle accelerated to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine.

All of sudden, a Corvette came up beside the Mustang and revved its engine. The driver of the Mustang forgot all about his friend on the bike and took off drag racing the Corvette.

A mile down the road a police cruiser clocked the two racing vehicles at over 100 mph! The officer called into headquarters on his radio. “Hey, you guys aren’t going to believe this, but there’s a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here, and some guy on a bicycle is ringing his bell trying to pass them!”

A man always wanted to go skydiving and was finally able to gather the courage. He went to the airport and inquired about what is involved in the jump.

The manager explained the procedure to him: “We are expert chute packers and have never had a failure. We will take you up in the plane and tell you when to jump out. You’ll pull the main chute ripcord. It always works, but if it doesn’t, you’ll pull the auxiliary chute ripcord. You’ll float softly to the ground, and we will meet you in that truck over there.”

The man decided to go for it. The plane took off and circled the airfield.

He jumped out and the main chute failed. He pulled the second ripcord and that failed.

As the man looked down towards the fast approaching ground, he muttered, “I bet that damned truck isn’t there either.”

Once upon a time a guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. (This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws, tornadoes and droughts, not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hot tubs, mellowspeak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn’t skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: “If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can.”

Fred was pretty perplexed at this and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they’d ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale. Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.

Until one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, “Martin’s coming! Head for the hills!” The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn’t believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.

He didn’t wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, “Wait here til I get back!” The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, “You pussycats stay here til I’m done!” The cats fearfully sat down.

Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared, “What the hell do you think you’re looking at?!”

Fred managed to say, “N-n-n-nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?”

To which the fellow replied, “Hell no! I don’t have time! I gotta get out of here. Mad Martin’s coming!”

A father and his eight year old son where walking down the aisle in a drug store when they happened to pass by the condoms.

The boy asked, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the father replied, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. He picked up a package of 3 and asked, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replied, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

The boy noticed a 6-pack and asked “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men”, the dad answered, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

Then who uses these?” he asked while picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for the married men, One for January, one for February, one for March…”

A frustrated father told his colleague, “When I was a youngster, I would be sent to my room whenever I misbehaved, but my son’s room has a color TV with a game console, a computer, not to mention his cell phone! It hardly serves as punishment.”

“Well the first thing I do with my kid, is take away his cell phone,” said the colleague.

“And then what do you do after that?” asked the frustrated father.

The colleague replied, “Then I send him to my room!”

A doctor at a teaching hospital was discussing an X-ray with his students.

“The patient had been walking with a pronounced limp for some time,” he said. “This X-ray shows us his fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

Pointing to a student, the doctor asked, “You! What would you do in this case?”

“Well, uh…” the student stammered. “I guess I’d be limping too.”