Category Archives: Jokes

A gentleman walking down the street was passing a restaurant. As he strolled by he noticed the diner next to the window was eating the biggest, juiciest steak he had ever seen.

When he got back to the office, he told his associates about what he saw, and they were all very excited to see these enormous steaks for themselves. After work, the group went to the restaurant for supper.

They asked to be seated near the back of the restaurant, and were handed their menus, but they knew what they wanted and promptly ordered their steaks.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out the smallest steaks they’d ever seen.

“Now see here,” the embarrassed gentleman said to the waiter. “Earlier today when I walked by your establishment, you served BIG, juicy steaks. Now that my friends and I are here, you are serving these small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?”

“Well, sir,” replied the waiter, “You and your friends aren’t sitting by the window.”

The mother of a teenage son sought the counsel of a local preacher. She was concerned about what her boy would grow up to be. The preacher smiled and assured her that he knew of a way to find out.

While the boy was at school, the preacher went into the boy’s room and placed four objects on his bed. A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.

“We will hide behind the door,” explained the preacher to the mother, “and when he comes home from school this afternoon, we’ll see which object he picks up.

“You see, if he chooses the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! On the other hand, if he picks up the coin, he’ll be a business-man, and that would be okay too. If he picks up the bottle, he’s destined to be a no-good drunkard, and that would be a shame, but worst of all is if he picks up that magazine. That means he’s going to be a skirt-chasing pervert!”

The mother and preacher waited anxiously until the boy came home and went to his room.

The boy tossed his school books onto the floor, and with a curios eye, he inspected the four items that had been placed on his bed. Finally, he placed the Bible under his arm, put the silver dollar in his pocket, and took a swig from the bottle while admiring the naked centerfold.

“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher whispered in horror, “He’s going to be a politician!”

Bill suffered from chronic respiratory issues, so his doctor suggested he move to Arizona for his health.

After he got settled into his new home, he noticed that an old man lived next door. Bill went out to meet the old man and said, “My doctor told me to move here for my health. So tell me, is this really a healthy place?”

“It sure is,” the old man replied. “Why when I first arrived here I couldn’t say one word, I had hardly a hair on my head, I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed.”

“That’s wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you lived here?”

The old man smiled, “I was born here.”

A painter named Jack always tried to save a buck whenever he could, so he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. He somehow managed to get away with this for some time.

One day, the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job.

He erected the trestles. put up the planks, and started thinning down the paint with turpentine.

As Jack was up on the scaffolding painting away, there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

A shy little 4-year-old went with his mother to a department store.

The store manager tried to strike up a conversation with the boy by asking, “How old are you?”

No response.

The manager then asked, “Don’t you know how old you are?”

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

“Oh,” replied the manager, “and do you know how old that is?”

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the manager asked, “Can’t you talk?”

The shy little child looked at him and replied, “Yes, can’t you count?”

As George and Alex sat at the bar, George remarked, “My sex life is just like my Corvette!”

Alex cocked his head and raised his eyebrow before saying, “George, you don’t have a Corvette.”

George replied, “My point exactly!”

A young man excitedly told his mother that he had fallen in love and was going to get married.

“Just for fun, Mama, I’m going to show you a picture of 3 girls,” said the young man, “and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

As the mother nodded in agreement, the son took out a photograph of three young women, and showed it to her.

She immediately blurted out, “The one on the right.”

“That’s amazing, Mama! How did you know?”

The mother replied, “Because I don’t like her.”

As the car came to a stop on the edge of a lonely country road, the young woman remarked, “You aren’t going to pull that old ‘out of gas’ routine on me, are you?

“No,” said the fellow. “I’m going to pull the ‘here after’ routine.”

“What’s that?” she asked unwittingly.

“If you’re not here after what I’m here after, you’ll be here after I’m gone.”

A Blonde, a red head, and a brunette were walking along an island beach. One of them found a bottle and a genie popped out.

The genie said he would grant each of them one wish.

The blonde said, “I need to get off this island. I wish for a rowboat.”

With a flash, a rowboat appeared and she rushed it out into the water.

The redhead said, “I also need to get off this island, so I wish for a jet ski.”

With a flash, the jet ski appeared, and the redhead rushed it out into the water, overtaking the blonde.

The genie then turned to the brunette as she shook her head.

”I guess I’ll take a million dollars,” said the brunette, “and just use the bridge to get back home.”

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”

“Objection!” said the defense attorney. “Irrelevant!”

“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand. “I don’t mind answering the question.”

“I object!” the defense said again.

“No, really,” said the blonde. “I’ll answer.”

The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”

So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”

The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know.”