Category Archives: Jokes

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?” “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.” “OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?” “Now really,” the mother says, “These are personal questions and are really none of your business.” Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?” “Those are enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. “My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” said the friend, “All you need to do is look at her drivers license. It’s like a report card; it has everything on it.” Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?” “I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now. “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?” “And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.” “Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?” “Because you got an F in sex.

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
• Biker: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It’s not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There’s drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who’s motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there’s drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

It’s 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue’s father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they’re planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.” Bobby is shocked. “Excuse me, sir?” “Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.” Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda’s house. “You owe me money,” she says. “For what?” The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.” The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.” The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda. Look it up.” She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary, and it reads, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while … then he said,
“You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asks … “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said …. “Oh, that’s so lovely … What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
optimistic about saving his testicles.

A man told his best friend he accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

The friend asked. Are u going to be all right?

I don’t he said. The next bathroon trip I take might spell disaster.

Two whales are swimming around in the ocean one day when the guy whale shouts at the girl whale says
“Hey look! That is the ship that harpooned and killed my daddy!

She says “ I think your right.”

He says Angrily “ I want to kill them! I want to hurt them! I want to mess them up!”

She says “I do to but I don’t that there is anything we can do to kill them.”

Well he comes up with a plan. What he lays out for her is for both of them to fill up their lungs with as much air as possible, swim under the ship, exhale all their air at the same time, and sink the ship.

She says “I don’t think that will work, we could never sink that ship!”

After talking about it for a little he talks her into it.

They go through to motions, get under the ship, and on the count of three they start exhaling. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh they exhale and empty all the air in their lungs!

Sure enough the water all around the ship gets aerated, the ship gets top heavy and flips over and starts sinking!

The sailors start jumping off the ship and they start swimming towards the land.

The guy whale says “Quick honey, eat the sailors before they get to the land!”

She puts her foot down and says “look I agreed to the blow job but I’m not swallowing the semen!!!!”

Dear Abby,
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. It’s the usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife
has been going out with the girls a lot recently – although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.” I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my boat next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed that the lower unit seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Worried Sick in North Carolina

The Cowboy and Indians

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet

the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, “You going to die. But we sorry for

you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you

die.

What is first wish?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.” The Indians

get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then

slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse

comes back with a naked blonde.

She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians

look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man … can only think of one

thing.”

The second day, the chief says, “What your wish today?” The cowboy says, “I

want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy

leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps

it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead.

She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their

heads, figuring, “Typical white man … going to die tomorrow and can only

think of one thing.”

The last day comes, and the chief says, “This your last wish, white man. What

you want?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians

bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them

hard and yells, “Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”

d ladies who socialize together are having tea when one complained to the other,” my husband refuses to have sex with me. I turn to him in bed and he turns his back on me.
Her friend replied “The reason for that is that ad we grow older we get bigger down there and they don’t get much satisfaction anymore”.
Puzzled at this, the lady went home, drew her bathwater, and took the mirror off the wall. placed it on the floor, straddle it and looked trying to determine if, in fact, it was bigger than she remembered.
As she’s doing this her husband comes home, runs up the stairs and barges in to take a leak.
The door hits her in the elbow and she cries out
” you dam near broke my arm!
He replied, “You’re lucky you didn’t fall down that hole.You could have broken your neck!”.