Category Archives: Jokes

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was recklessly speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say,…”
“And I said keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Not likely,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.
What’s the difference between a black man and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
What’s the worse part about being a black Jew?
You have to sit at the back of the oven.

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He pleads to the operator, “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line and says, “OK, now what?”

A nice, calm and respectable woman went into a pharmacy, looked the pharmacist straight in his eyes and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The woman replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord, have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! My license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! No! You cannot have any cyanide!”
The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and calmly replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

A guy runs into a stunning hooker in a bar. After the initial ice breaker and small talk she says, “This is your lucky night. I’m running a special. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.”
The guy thinks it over and says to himself, “Hey, why not?”
He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and lays three hundred-dollar bills one at a time on the bar as he slowly says, “Paint… my… house.”
This one is kind of fun for me as it’s actually costing me $3500 to get my house painted right now.

Four nuns were in a car crash and died. They went to the Pearly Gates and stood before St. Peter.
He said: “Before I let you into heaven, I have to make sure you’re pure. Have any of you had anything to do with a man’s private parts?”
The first said: “I saw a penis once.”
Peter replied: “Wash your eyes with the holy water from the fount and then you can enter heaven.”
The second said: “I touched a man’s penis once.”
Peter replied: “Wash your hands in the fount and then you can enter heaven.”
Just then the fourth cuts in front of the third. Peter asked “what are you doing?”
She replied: “If I have to gargle with that water, I’m going to do it before Sister Ruth sits in it.”

A city boy moves to the country and decides he’s going to start farming. He goes to a local hatchery and tells the owner, “Give me 100 baby chickens.”
A week later he returns and says, “Give me 200 baby chickens.”
Again, a week later young man returns. This time he says, “Give me 500 baby chickens.”
“Wow!” the hatchery owner replies. “You must be doing really well.”
“Not really,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged. When his boss asked him what happened, he explained, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”
“Well,” the boss said, “that explains one ear, but what about the other?”
“They called back!”
 

A turtle was walking down the alley in New York City when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate the incident and asked the turtle if he could describe his assailants and give his account of what happened.
The poor turtle with a confused look on his face replied, “I don’t know, Detective, it all happened so fast!”
 

A brain and a pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The brain says, “Can I get a couple of beers from me and my friend here?”
The bartender says, “There’s no way I’m going to serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the brain.
The bartender explained, “Well, you’re clearly out of your head, and your friend looks like he’s about to start something.”