Category Archives: Jokes

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.

He takes off his shirt and the woman says, “What a great chest you have.”

The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of pure dynamite!”

He takes off his pants and the woman says, “What massive calves you have.”

The body builder tells her, “That’s another 100 lbs. of pure dynamite.”

He then removes his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment.

The woman replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was.

One day, Little Johnny’s teacher, Miss Buzbat asked the class “children, if you know the answer, please raise your hand! Tell me things you can suck!”
“Ice cream, ma’am!” Little Mary answered.
“Good, Jane.” Miss Buzbat said, “Anyone else?”.
“How about a lollipop!” said Steven.
“Very good, now it’s your turn Johnny!”, the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, “A lamp!”.
The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny’s answer. Then the teacher asked him, “Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?”
“Well, last night when I passed my parents’ bedroom”, Little Johnny answered, “I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it.”

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they’ll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, “NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!”

Ethel thinks her husband is starting to go deaf so she decides to test her theory. She stands about 30 feet way and calls to her husband, “Marvin!”
There was no response.
She then stands 20 feet away and calls out to him again, “Hey Marvin!”
She is surprised that he still doesn’t hear her call.
Ethel tries again, and this time from 10 feet away, “Marvin!”
Marvin turns around and says, “And for the 3rd time Ethel, what do you want!?”

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits. Soon he noticed a lion in the distance running towards him with a hungry look in his eye.
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, the dog immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the lion was about to leap, the old dog exclaimed, “That was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?” Upon hearing this, the young lion stopped mid-stride and hurried to safety in the trees.
A squirrel who had been watching from a nearby tree, knew the dog’s tricks and decided to trade his knowledge for protection from the lion. Catching up with the lion, he explained what happened and struck a deal. The young lion was furious at being made a fool of and said, “Hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
The old dog spied the lion coming with the squirrel on his back. Instead of running, he sat down with his back to the pair, pretending he hadn’t seen them yet. When they got close enough to hear, the old dog said, “Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!”

An American, an Englishman, and a Frenchman found themselves stranded along a rural country road. They traveled together walking down the road. As it was starting to get dark, they saw a farmhouse. They went to the front door and knocked, hoping the kind farmer would grant them shelter for the night.
“Well, I only got room for  two of you,” explained the farmer. “One of you will have to sleep in the barn with my pigs.”
The three travelers looked at each other and the American nodded to indicate that he would be the one to sleep with the pigs.
As everyone snuggled down for the night, it wasn’t even half and hour, and the American was knocking on the door. “Please! Will someone trade with me! I tried, but the stench and the noise were too much!”
The Englishmen took pity and said, “All right, I’ll sleep with the pigs.”
But it wasn’t a half hour later and there was a knock at the door. The poor Englishman was in tears from the horrid smell and begging for someone to trade with him.
The Frenchman shrugged his shoulders and headed for the barn.
Yet again, it hadn’t been even a half hour, and the knock came at the door.
It was the pigs!

Two men were having lunch together when one says to the other, “I made the worst Freudian slip the other day. I was trying to buy train tickets from this beautiful female conductor. She had these really huge breasts, so I meant to say ‘I would like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, but instead I said, ‘I would like two pickets to Titsburgh.'”
The other man says, “I got a better one. I was having dinner with my wife the other night, and I meant to say, ‘please pass the salt,’ but instead I said, ‘you miserable bitch, you ruined my life.'”
 

Oh, BTW… The house is finished, and that means I’m back to posting jokes on the weekdays again. Don’t expect a whole lot while I get back into the swing of things.

I know, I know… I said I’d be back on the 7th, but things didn’t work out the way I had hoped. Here’s the scoop:

Back in mid-April, the lovely “Department of Building Services Housing Inspection Division” sent me a lovely letter telling me my house looked like shit and needed gutters. They gave me until June 30th to have it done, or they “may issue a legal order”. After inspecting the situation for myself, it turns out they were pretty much on the money. The exterior of the house was really looking shitty.

For the first month and a half, I was getting estimates and applying for home improvement loans. Apparently the painters in my town don’t like credit cards, and the banks didn’t like my credit report. So what seemed like a good idea at the time, ended up being a waste of time. (BTW, my credit card doesn’t give me “convenience checks”, so that wasn’t an option.)

Plan B was to get my dad to help me… and talk about a deal with the devil.

I really could not do this on my own, so without Dad’s help, I’d really be fucked. On the other hand, my dad is in his 70’s, so things aren’t going very fast… or smooth.

You know they say experiences like this bring families closer together… Right now, we both want to gouge each others eyes out with salad forks, so people who say things like that are full of shit.

On a brighter note, we’re actually doing a pretty good job. The trim work looks fantastic, and the body is going to be done in a couple of days.

I know… Most people do the body first then trim, but Dad wanted to do it bass ackwards, and it turns out he was right. I have open eaves, so painting them by hand would have been a bitch. Dad used his paint sprayer to get the job done in a fraction of the time. So now we’re having to cut in the body color around the trim, then cover the windows and doors so we can cut loose with that paint sprayer again.

So that’s it, right?

Nope… Gutters.

See the old gutters were just nailed right into the rafter tails. E.g. no fascia board. The rafter tails were also cut at an odd angle, so we had to square them… There were a lot of little complications like this, but Dad’s insisting we do things the right way, and I couldn’t agree more with him. It’s a lot more work, but in the end, the house should be set for the next 20 to 30 years.

With all the little details we’re taking the time to address, I imagine it would have probably cost close to $8000 or more to have a contractor do it, but so far it’s only cost me about $3200.

Funny how I can charge up $3200 on a credit card, but get turned down for a loan from the bank to have a professional do it… But in the end, the professional wouldn’t have fixed the deteriorating woodwork, or repaired the broken and missing tiles for the siding.

So after all is said and done, all I can say is that Home Depot and Sherwin-Williams better send me a fucking Christmas card.

And yeah… The city only gave me to June 30th to have to work done… Sorry. I tried, but it’s going to take us a little longer. They could get that court order or whatever… But honestly, we’re getting the work done, and we’re going above and beyond to make this house look really nice. I really don’t see them making too much of a fuss about it.

For the curious, the house was boring ass white with shitty ass white trim… but now it’s “Needlepoint Navy” with “Swing Brown” trim, and no more white.

Bold but soothing colors, and the neighbors love it.

So let’s just extend this hiatus a little longer… The house is going to be a couple more weeks yet, but I owe my dad big time after this. He wants two weeks of lawn and garden help, and believe it or not he wants me to update his resume!

We’re just going to add it all up and say see you in August… I hope!

They hadn’t even noticed they’d been sitting just a couple stools away at the bar for the past half hour when the man offered to buy the lady a drink.
“So what’s your name, miss?” he asked directly.
“I was named after the two things I like best: Carmen. Because I like cars, and I like men,” she confidently replied.
“Huh… Me too,” the man said.
“Oh really?” said Carmen. “So what is your name?”
“Beerfuck.”
And now my dear friends… I must take another hiatus whilst I put my house in order. I hope to see you Monday, July 7th with good news and great jokes.

A little girl goes to the zoo with her parents, she sees the elephant pen and runs as fast as she can to see them. When she gets there, the big bull elephant has a huge erection. As her father walks up, she asks, “Daddy, what is that thing between the elephant’s legs?”
“Honey,” the father gently said, “That’s the elephant’s ‘weewee’.”
A moment later, the trailing mother catches up. The little girl excitedly tells her mother, “Daddy says that thing between the elephant’s legs is his weewee!”
The mother sees the beast’s pendulous member and replies, “No Dear, your daddy has a weewee. This elephant has a cock.”