Category Archives: Jokes

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.
St. Peter looked out through the gates and said, “Wait here. I’ll be right back.”
St. Peter goes over to God’s chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to Peter, “How many times do I have to tell you? You can’t be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!”
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God’s chambers and says, “Well, they’re gone.”
“The guys wearing hoodies?” asked God.
“No. The Pearly Gates.”

(A special thanks goes out as this was a contributed joke.)

Two men, sentenced to die on the same day, were led down to the room where the electric chair was. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, “Son, do you have a last request?”
The man replied, “Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?”
“Certainly,” replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, “Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?”
“Please,” said the condemned man, “Kill me first.”

A 4-year-old boy was asked to pray before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.
He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one.
Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited — and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying?”

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are – my – test – results – back?”

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”
The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. By the ways, you got nice house.”

The passenger tapped the driver of the taxi on his shoulder to ask him a question.

Suddenly, the driver screamed, lost control of the vehicle, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped mere inches from a store window.

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. “Don’t ever do that again! You scared the daylights out of me!” scolded the driver.

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

“Sorry, it’s not your fault,” conceded the driver. “Today is my first day as a cab driver. Previously I had been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”

Three elderly men at a retirement home were complaining to each other of their constipation issues.
The first one said “I wake up everyday for breakfast at seven in the morning and I can’t take a piss until ten”.
The second man replied “You think you have it bad? I can’t take a piss or a shit until the afternoon even with all the laxatives!”.
The third elderly man told the two “You think you two have it bad?! I piss and shit at eight in the morning!”.
“Well what’s so bad about that?” They asked.
“I usually wake up at nine”.

A customer asked, “In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?”
The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or, if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”
The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”
The guy says, “Because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m
Polish?”
The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 quarts of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 quarts of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a jar of instant coffee, and a pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt at check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

A brunette, a red head, and a blonde were having a very interesting conversation and it got around to their daughters. The brunette said, “I went in my daughter’s room the other day and found a pack of cigarettes, I didn’t even know she smoked!”
The red head said, “I went in my daughter’s room and found a half-empty bottle of vodka! I didn’t even know she drank!”
Then the blonde burst out and said, “I went in my daughter’s room and found a pack of condoms, half-empty, I didn’t even know she had a penis!”