A little girl complained to her father, “Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!”
Trying to be funny, her father joked, “But honey, you already have a sister.”
Confused, the toddler asked, “I do?”
“Sure,” her dad said, pulling the kid’s chain. “You don’t see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!”
The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, “You mean just like my other daddy!”
A ventriloquist walked into town and saw a Texas rancher sitting on his porch with his dog.
The ventriloquist said, “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”
Rancher said, “I suppose you can, but the dog ain’t gonna talk back!”
The ventriloquist said, “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
The dog said, “Doin’ alright”
The rancher showed an extreme look of shock.
The ventriloquist said, “Is this your owner?” (pointing at rancher)
The dog said, “Yep.”
The ventriloquist said, “How’s he treat you?”
The dog said, “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
A look of disbelief fell upon the rancher’s face.
The ventriloquist said, “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Rancher said, “The horses don’t talk!”
The ventriloquist said, “Hey horse, how’s it goin?”
The horse said, “Cool.”
The rancher now has an even wilder look of shock.
The ventriloquist said, “Is this your owner?” (pointing at rancher)
The horse said, “Yep.”
The ventriloquist said, “How’s he treat you?”
The horse said, “Pretty good. Thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
The rancher was completely overwhelmed with amazement.
The ventriloquist said, “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
With a nervous stutter the rancher replied, “Th-Th-Them sheep ain’t nothin but liars!”
A young boy was sent to the principal’s office.
“What is your name?” asked the principal.
“D-d-d-david,” replied the child.
The principal remarked, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
“No,” replied the boy, “My dad has a stutter. They guy who made out my birth certificate was an asshole.”
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
“So, how is everything going?” inquired God.
“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain.”
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ‘symmetrically balanced’.
“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave a lot of the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.”’
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
“Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?’”
“Just fantastic,” she replied, “But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.”
God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let’s see. Where did I put that useless boob?”
Now doesn’t that make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!” she screamed.
“That’s funny,” he muttered, “You even sound exactly like her.”
That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
“How do you know?” the friend asked.
“She wasn’t at home last night, and when I asked her where she had been, she said she’d spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”
“So?” the friend replied.
“So, she’s a liar because I spent the night with her sister, Shirley!”
A man walks into his doctor’s office.
The doctor asks the man why he is there.
He replies, “It’s my penis, I would like you to take a look at it.”
The doctor says, “Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out I’ll have a look for you.”
The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his underpants.
After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says, “I have to say, I can’t see anything wrong with it.”
To which the man replies, “I know. It’s a fucking beauty, eh?!”
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here’s the final word on nutrition and health:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than in the United States.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than than in the United States.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than in the United States.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than in the United States.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than in the United States.
6. The French eat foie gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than in the United States.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
A farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about twelve-years-old, opened the door.
“Is your Pa home?” the farmer asked.
“No sir, he ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went to town with Ma.”
“How about your brother, Joe, is he here?”
“He went with Ma and Pa.”
The farmer stood there shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for you?” the boy inquired politely. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Pa.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably. “I really wanted to talk to your Pa. It’s about your brother Joe getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment and said, “You would have to talk to Pa about that”, he finally conceded. “But if it helps you any, I know that pa charges $50 for the bull, and $25 for the boar hog. But I really don’t know how much he gets for Joe.”
It was after dinner when Jerry realized he was out of cigarettes. He decided to pop down to the local bar for a pack, telling his wife he’d be right back.
When Jerry got to the bar, the bartender offered him a cold beer on the house, so Jerry decided he had time for just one. He’d been nursing it along when a gorgeous blond came in the door, but he looked the other way. She went right over to him and sat down. One thing led to another and she invited him back to her apartment.
Back at her place they went at it like crazy, as their passions took over. The next thing Jerry knew it was four o’clock in the morning. Jumping out of bed, he shook the girl awake and asked if she had any baby powder.
“Yeah, in the bathroom cabinet,” she said still half asleep. He dusted his hands, drove home at ninety miles per hour, and pulled into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him with a rolling pin in her hand.
“So WHERE have you been?” she screamed.
“Well, you see honey,” Jerry stammered, “I only went out for cigarettes, but Morty offered me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and she invited me back to her place…”
“Wait a minute,” snapped his wife. “Let me see your hands,” as she eyed the whiteness of his fingertips. Turning on him furiously, she said, “Don”t you EVER try lying to me again, you rotten little bastard! You’ve been bowling again!”
