A man paid a visit to a psychiatrist and said, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The doctor asked, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” said the man.
“Really? Why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugged his shoulders and replied, “We needed the eggs.”
Timmy and Kenny were out hunting deer.
“Did you see that?” asked Timmy.
“No,” said Kenny.
Timmy remarked, “Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead.”
“Oh,” Kenny said with a nod.
A couple of minutes later, Timmy said, “Did you see that?”
“See what?” said Kenny.
“Are you blind?” said Timmy. “There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.”
“Oh,” said Kenny, now shaking his head.
A few minutes later Timmy once again said, “Did you see that?”
By now, Kenny was getting aggravated, so he said, “Yes, I did!”
Timmy looked at him and said, “Then why did you step in it?”
A Jewish congregation honored their retiring Rabbi for his 25 years of service by sending him on an all expenses paid vacation to Hawaii.
When he walked into his hotel room, he found a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.
She greeted with a sultry, “Hi, Rabbi! I’m a little something extra that the President of the Temple arranged for you.”
The Rabbi was incensed. He picked up the phone, called the President of the Temple and shouted, “Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you, and you have not heard the end of this.”
Upon hearing this, the naked woman got up and started to get dressed.
The Rabbi turned to her and snapped, “Where do you think you’re going? I’m not angry with you!”
The principal walked into the 4th grade class where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
Altogether they came up with about 40 names.
The principal scolded the class and told them that in his day students knew the names of every single state.
One child raised his hand and said, “Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.”
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 94 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
The woman became violent, and in the commotion she ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment where he fell to his death.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.
“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 94, if he could still screw, he could fly too!”
Father Michael wanted to raise money for his church, and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To everyone’s surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:
“FATHER MICHAEL’S ASS SHOWS”
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won, and the paper read:
“FATHER MICHAEL’S ASS OUT IN FRONT”
The Bishop was upset with this kind of publicity, and ordered Father Michael not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper’s headline read:
“BISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MICHAEL’S ASS”
The Bishop was furious, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. Father Michael decided to give it to one of the nuns in a nearby convent. The next day, the paper’s headline read:
“SISTER MARY HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN”
The Bishop nearly fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00, and the next day the headline read:
“SISTER MARY SELLS ASS FOR $10.00”
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. By now you probably can imagine what the headline in the paper read:
“SISTER MARY ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE”
The sexy housewife was built so well that the TV repairman couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came into the room, he’d nearly jerk his neck out of joint just to get a look at her.
After he finished the job, she paid him and said, “I’m going to make a… well… unusual request. But first you have to promise me that you’ll keep it a secret, OK?”
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. “Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man, he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I’m a woman and you’re such a big strapping young man… ”
The repairman was so excited he could hardly speak, but managed to mutter, “Yes? Go on!”
“And since I’ve been wanting to ask you ever since you walked in that door…”
“Yes? Yes?!”
“Would you help me move my refrigerator?”
A glum looking man was sitting at the bar. The bartender asked, “Hey buddy, what’s got you down?”
“My wife kicked me out of the house,” replied the melancholy gent.
“Why’d she do that?” asked the barkeep.
“Well, the other night I came home, and she reminded me that it was our anniversary.”
“Oh no,” said the bartender. “You forgot it, didn’t you.”
“Yeah,” said the man, “but that’s not what got me in trouble.”
“Really, what was it then?” asked the barman.
“She said she wanted me to take her someplace pricey.”
“So where’d you take her?”
“The gas station.”
A woman found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He trimmed and cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some depilatory cream and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
The lady went to the drug store and asked for some depilatory cream.
As the druggist handed her a tube of “Nair”, he told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
The lady replied, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The druggist then advised, “If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days.”
The lady said, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”
The druggist furrowed his brow, and then said, “Stay off your bicycle for a week.”
Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane, only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”
