Author Archives: f2x

Gay Joke Parade.

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What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in one room?
100 people that don’t do dick!

What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A fruit stand.

What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

What’s the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
At a straight rodeo everyone yells, “Ride that sucker”

Why do so many gays have mustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.

Did you hear about the homosexual letter?
Only came in male boxes.

When in Greece, how do you separate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar.

What did one gay sperm say to another?
“How do we find an egg in all of this shit?”

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega-sore-ass.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-a-lot-o-pus.

What’s the favorite pickup line in a gay bar?
“May I push your stool in?”

Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
He found a hare up his ass.

Did you hear about the gay truckers?
They exchanged loads

Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
They went outside to exchange blows

Did you hear about the two gay judges?
They tried each other.

Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for “lesbian”.
It has been changed to “vagitarian”.

Did you know 70% of the gay population were born that way?
The other 30% were sucked into it.

Hear about the new gay sitcom?
“Leave it, it’s Beaver.”

How can you tell if you’re watching a gay Western?
The entire cast is hung.

How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.

What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
Bisexual.

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.

What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A tran-sister.

What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A lesbian with a hard-on.

What do you call two lesbians with their period?
Finger painting.

What do you call hemorrhoids on a homosexual?
Speed bumps.

How can you tell if your refrigerator is gay?
It farts when you pull your meat out.

How do you make a lesbian anorexic eat?
Put a mink stole around her dinner plate.

Why did the gay criminal keep going back to prison?
He loved it in the can.

Did you hear about the gay guy that’s on the patch?
He’s down to four butts a day.

What’s the definition of “Tender Love?”
Two gays with hemorrhoids

What’s the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud.

Anti-Pasta Salad

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Recently I prepared a boxed pasta salad. It was a bag of spiral pasta that you had to add your own Italian dressing to it, and that’s not a problem… The problem was that not only did it have the dry spiral pasta, but also dehydrated black olives. Those ugly things tasted like wood or cardboard or… Oh, trust me… it was just nasty.

A Little Pasta Humor

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Did you hear? Al-Qaeda have hidden bombs in tins of Alphabet Spaghetti.

If they go off, they could spell disaster!

What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?

They both wriggle when you eat them.

Here’s a new Pasta Diet guaranteed to help you lose weight!

You walk pasta grocery, you walk pasta restaurants and fast food chains, and you keep on walking pasta your refrigerator!

A rather successful American businessman went on trip to Italy to expand his company’s operations over seas. While he was there, he had an extramarital affair with a young Italian girl. Not long after, she came sobbing to him and told him that she was pregnant by him and didn’t know what to do.

“Don’t worry my dear,” he said. “I’m very wealthy and I’ll see to the child’s needs and yours so long as you can be discreet and not reveal to my wife of our affair.” The businessman gave her a mailing address and went back to the States.

Sure enough, nine months later he was sitting in his den at home when his wife came in with the mail. She remarked, “That’s strange. You got a postcard today from Italy. It says you need to send payment for three spaghetti dinners, two with meatballs, one without.

Why don’t Italians like to barbecue?

Because the spaghetti keeps falling through the grill!

Cruelty

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Sometimes I can be cruel. I mean really, really cruel. Once I said to a spinster shrew: “Look at me, now look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man. Sadly, you don’t even have a man.” Believe it or not, over time her personality has gotten better. We still eat lunch together.

I’ll just order off the fork.

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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

“I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks maybe the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary rub this fork in your snatch before I take it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here”

Expensive Nuts

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A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he’s ever seen in his life.  The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise, and asks:  “Ess-tues me ser?”

“Yes sir,” replied the clerk.
“Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?”
“Pistachio’s?  They’re six dollars a pound.”
“SSit!” The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks “Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?”
“Almonds?  They’re seven fifty a pound.”
“SSIT!  tas pensive” Replied the tongue-tied man.
“Welp, how bout your pikanns?”
“Pecans?  They’re on sale today, they’re only four fifty a pound.”
“Welp, Ssit.  Just div me a poulnd of dose dhen.”
“Alright then,” says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of pecans.
Then, the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk:”Sirr, I just wana tay tank you fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan’t hep it.”
The clerk replies with a smile.  “Oh sir, you don’t have to thank me for that.  I don’t make fun of anybody, for any thing!  I don’t know if you noticed, or not, but I have a rather large nose.”
The tongue-tied guy replies, “Oh, is dat your noze?  I tought dat wuz your penuz since your nutz arr so damn high!”

Just tossing it out there…

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17 Reasons Masturbation Is Better Than Real Sex

1. Your hand always lets you finish first.

2. It’s free.

3. Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It’s all I can get.

4. You call the position.

5. “Premature ejaculation” ? hehehe

6. No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.

7. Your privates are your best friend.

8. Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.

9. Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.

10. Easier to join their “Mile High Club.”

11. You get to scream out your own name.

12. Peeing is considered foreplay.

13. Nobody ever says, “Why is it all green and wrinkly?”

14. You’ll never have two women, but you’ll always have two HANDS!

15. Four words: “Brad Pitt hand puppet.”

16. You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.

17. Don’t have to clean up fur afterward.