Author Archives: f2x

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, “Hello class, I’m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an “r” after the first letter.”
The entire class says, “Hello Mrs. Prussy.”
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, “I remember it has an “r” after the first letter.”
“That’s right!” she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, “Mrs. Crunt?”

Danny walks into a grocery store where he sees one of his closest friends, Bob. Bob approaches him with a sincere smile and greets Danny.
After a good conversation between the two men, Bob looks at Danny with affection and says: “Listen, Danny, you’re my best friend. I respect you a lot and would never do anything to hurt you, but I’ve got to let this off my chest. I think you deserve much better than Lola. I’m telling you this as a friend. Your wife is not exactly a conservative woman!”
Danny looks at Bob in bafflement and replies: “What do you mean?”
Bob looks him straight in the eyes and whispers in his ear: “Look around! Why do you think there are almost no men in this grocery store? As a true friend, I feel obliged to tell you this. Every time you go grocery shopping, there is a very long line-up at your front door!”
Danny, confused and puzzled asks : “What are you trying to say?”
Bob looks at him in sorrow and replies: “I hate to break this to you, my dear friend, but your wife is a money hungry whore! I think you should divorce her!”
Danny, startled by Bobs rude comment replies in a fury: “What kind of a friend are you? You must think I’m an Idiot! You want me to divorce her, so I’ll have to wait in line, too?”

Two old men in their 80’s were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The younger 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around the sales lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, “I want five loaves.”
She said, “Five loaves?! My Goodness! It’ll be hard before you even get to the 3rd loaf!”
He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this shit but me.”

A group of American tourists came into an Irish pub. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, “I hear you Irish think you’re great drinkers. I bet €5,000 [Euros] that no one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes.”
The bar was silent for a moment, and then only sound of a chair sliding as one Irishman left. No one took up the bet.
Forty minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and asked, “Hey Yank! Is your wee bet still on?”
“Sure!” said the American, “30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of €5,000.”
“Grand so!” replied the Irishman, “pour the pints and start the clock.”
It was very close, but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
“OK Yank, pay up!” added the Irishman.
“I’m happy to pay, and here is your money” said the American forking over the cash. “But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?”
The Irishman replied, “Well, sir, €5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I would be able to do it.”

A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only.
The patrons of the bar decided to test him.
The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.
First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, “That’s maple.”
They then tried birch; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly.
He did this with every piece of wood they brought before him.
The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose.
He sniffed for a while. “Boy,” he said “this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell the other side.”
So they took they waitress and put her ass near his nose.
He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, “You guys can’t fool me! That is the shit house door from a tuna boat!”

A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman .
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.
She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other, so, they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.
All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman” he says, “But if it’s anything like fuckin’ a ‘roo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

During a rather rowdy party, one unattached female guest kept disappearing into a back bedroom with one man after another, including the host.

This did not go unnoticed by the host’s wife, who was quietly smoldering, but kept her composure, so as not to ruin the party.

It was still fairly early when ‘Miss Willing’ approached the hostess looking somewhat frazzled and rumpled.

“I’m sorry to rush off,” she explained, “but I don’t feel too well.”

“Of course, I understand my dear,” was the hostess’ response. “You must have a splitting backache.”

A flight attendant on a cross-country flight nervously announced at about 30 minutes outbound from LA, “I don’t know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners.”
There was a bit of disgruntled murmuring amongst the passengers. When the murmuring died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight.”
Her next announcement came an hour later. “If anyone would like to change their mind, we still have 29 dinners available.”

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Key,” where a small key is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.
Of course, the woman wanted “The Key.”
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful — the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the key and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your tits.”
“No point asking about the beard then, eh?”

Abigail immigrated from England to the United States where she met her true love, Harold. After the wedding they left for London. After they arrived at Gatwick Airort, Abigail headed for the British passport control line while her newlywed husband Harold waited in the foreigners’ line.
It was finally Harold’s turn, and the customs officer asked him the purpose of his visit.
“Actually, I’m here on pleasure,” explained Harold. “I’m on my honeymoon.”
The customs officer looked first to the left, then to the right of Harold. “That’s very interesting, sir,” he said as he stamped the passport. “Most men bring their wives with them.”